


After They've Bloomed

by mamokou (mafreila)



Category: TsukiPro the Animation
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Basically Kouki is fucked up, Character Study, Child Abuse, Depression, Emotional Trauma, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Homophobia, Hospitalization, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Physical Abuse, Slow Burn, Terminal Illnesses, Underage Drinking, a lot of tags because this is a wholeass ride. i am sorry, kenryou cameos quite a bit, some suicidal ideation, they are a side pair in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:09:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 55,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24443368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mafreila/pseuds/mamokou
Summary: Etou Kouki had always been sick. As long as he could remember, he'd been surrounded by these plain white walls, isolated for life.Now, though, things were different. He had a chance to turn things around, to make new memories and move on from the loneliness he'd felt all those years before; what kinds of things, he wonders, will he be able to do? What kinds of people will he meet? With excitement buzzing through him, he set off to begin his new school life.
Relationships: Etou Kouki/Fujimura Mamoru
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to... the longest fic i've ever written, and a whole mess at that. this fic is MOSTLY pre-written (up till chapter 7 as of when I'm posting this), but i still have a lot of writing to do and proofreading as well, so please forgive me if i end up missing a day or two as i get caught up!
> 
> most importantly, please note all the tags on this fic. despite the rather lighthearted summary, this is NOT a happy fic and topics will get quite dark! take caution of this and don't read if you are uncomfortable w/ the mentioned topics. i will also do my best to provide elaborate warnings for the more drastic parts in the chapters that they come up in.
> 
> if you've read this whole notes, then... thanks for putting up with a rather lengthy ramble before starting the fic! i do hope you all enjoy, and any kudos or comments would make me so so happy! feedback is appreciated especially since i've never written such a huge fic and i'm a bit worried about how it will turn out www.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to... the longest fic i've ever written, and a whole mess at that. this fic is MOSTLY pre-written (up till chapter 7 as of when I'm posting this), but i still have a lot of writing to do and proofreading as well, so please forgive me if i end up missing a day or two as i get caught up!
> 
> most importantly, please note all the tags on this fic. despite the rather lighthearted summary, this is NOT a happy fic and topics will get quite dark! take caution of this and don't read if you are uncomfortable w/ the mentioned topics. i will also do my best to provide elaborate warnings for the more drastic parts in the chapters that they come up in.
> 
> if you've read this whole notes, then... thanks for putting up with a rather lengthy ramble before starting the fic! i do hope you all enjoy, and any kudos or comments would make me so so happy! feedback is appreciated especially since i've never written such a huge fic and i'm a bit worried about how it will turn out www.

Etou Kouki had always been sick.

As far back as he could remember, he’d been cooped up in a dimly lit hospital room, the only sign of his existence within these walls being the messily scrawled out letters of his name displayed next to the door in the hallway. Some parts of the name had faded due to how long he’d been there, large white specks interrupting the deep black of the dry erase marker that had been used to write it. It wasn’t as if this nameplate really mattered in the first place, since his parents were always too busy to visit him, and he hadn’t been going to public school, so no one besides the nurses and doctors constantly checking up on him ever came to see him in this small, rundown room at the end of the hall on the fifth floor.

This was his reality. Etou Kouki had never learned anything different from this life of waking up to have his vitals checked, then going through various tests to see if his health had improved -- these people always found positive comments, but Kouki could read their faces like an open book, watching their nervous smiles as they tried to cover up the fact that his health wasn’t getting much better -- before spending the rest of the day doing his best to fill the hours. The only things he could look forward to when he woke up in the morning was knowing that he could go back to sleep once the day ended. That was just how things were for him, and that’s how they’d always been. 

In fact, right now was the first time he was able to see something besides those plain white walls keeping him isolated from the outside world; he’d finally been discharged, with the exception of him coming in weekly for health check-ups and a stern talking to about how he should call right away if he started feeling weak at any point in time. He’d smiled and nodded, but the truth was that he could barely pay attention to the words being spoken to him with the excitement coursing through his veins, trying to soak in the news that he was allowed to leave. 

Things hadn’t been hopeful. They never had been, and Kouki felt that holding onto some inner desire to leave the hospital would just hurt him more in the end, so he’d cast those wishes of his into the deepest corners of his mind, accepting that this would be the way he’d live out his life; alone, never knowing the secrets beyond the tiny square window that he often gazed out of in curiosity. 

However, for the past week, it seemed that his vitals were reading positive numbers, matching what was “normal” for a child of his age and build. The reactions he got from his doctor were no longer forced, but genuine happiness had sunk onto his face as he told Kouki that he may be able to go home soon. Honestly, he hadn’t really understood, because wasn’t this his home? What was a “home,” really? But the excitement that the other expressed made him all the more curious, a tiny smile pulling at the corners of his lips -- something he never did. There wasn’t much reason to smile when there was no happiness inside this facility; he tried his best to be happy for those who were being discharged in the neighboring rooms, but deep down, all he felt was a bitter emptiness inside his gut, because he was the only one who remained every time. 

So when he was informed that he would be discharged, he didn’t know how to react. All he was familiar with was that dark feeling that made him feel like he was being swallowed up every time he heard happy congratulations and tears of joy were shed for those who were very clearly not him. It didn’t make sense that suddenly things had changed, that now it was  _ him  _ who was being spoken to…

His mother seemed happy when she came to pick him up, but a little scared. Sometimes, Kouki wished he hadn’t gotten so good at reading other people’s hidden emotions, because that fear glinting in her pale eyes made him anxious. She’d mumbled something about his father, too quiet for him to hear, as she filled out the paperwork for his release, and was silent the rest of the time, even as she held his hand and guided him out the front doors.

Now, three days had passed; the young blond stood outside his new primary school classroom, listening to the chatter of other children buzzing from behind the sliding doors, both intimidating him and drawing him in at the same time. 

Finally, Kouki had been given a chance to turn things around, to make new memories and move on from the loneliness he'd felt all those years before; what kinds of things, he wonders, will he be able to do once he walks through this door? What kinds of people will he meet, and will he be able to make friends with them? He had to admit that he was a bit concerned, having been away from kids his age for so long, about whether or not he was capable of fitting in, or socializing decently. 

While he was deep in thought, the blond failed to notice another kid walking towards the classroom, jumping when a voice suddenly called out to him.

“Hey, whatcha doing standing out here for? Class is gonna start in two minutes. W-Wait, actually, have I seen you before?” A navy-blue haired kid curiously approached Kouki with wide eyes, scanning him up and down with a thoughtful expression. He spoke quickly, and energetically, bouncing on the soles of his feet as if struggling to stay still; the blond smiled in return, filled with glee at the fact that there was someone willing to speak to him right off the bat.

“Ah… well, this is my first day, so--”   
  


“Oh! You must be the transfer student Mr. Tsukishiro was talking about…!! What’s your name? Mine’s Kensuke, but you can just call me Ken!”

One thing that Kouki could tell right off the bat was that Kensuke had an unlimited amount of energy, but he felt was a nice change of pace from the gloomy atmosphere he’d grown so familiar with. Perhaps even something that he really needed in his life. 

“O-Okay, Ken… My name is Etou Kouki. It’s truly a pleasure to meet you.” He bowed his head, which evoked a shocked sputtering noise from the other boy.

“S-So formal…!! Really, you don’t have to bow like that,” Kensuke insisted in a hurry, waving his hands about as he tried to get Kouki to stop what he was doing. The younger boy immediately straightened up, frowning in obvious confusion. “A-Ah… I’m sorry, was I not supposed to…?”

Kensuke clearly struggled to come up with a response, flabbergasted by Kouki’s formality and general grasp on the situation -- or lack thereof. “I-It’s fine, so please don’t worry about it! It’s just a little embarrassing, is all… ehe….” Scratching his cheek, the blue-haired boy giggled, lightening up the atmosphere a bit. “L-Let’s be friends, okay! Hm… Kouki…. hmm…”

Tilting his head at how deep in thought the other was, Kouki spoke up. “Is something the matter…?”

“Ah, got it! Kou! I’ll call you Kou, so you call me Ken! They have the same number of letters and everything, so it’s perfect!” Kensuke flashed a bright grin, bending his wrist up so that his hand was positioned near his face to show off two fingers, which only made Kouki confused. “Two….? Um… there’s three letters in both, is there not…?”

Kensuke’s smile fell in shock. “Eh…. wait, seriously?! Kou, you don’t know what a peace sign is?!” He shoved the two fingers closer to the blond’s face, as if it would force him to understand the meaning behind them; Kouki flinched backward a bit at the sudden movement, but this caused him to bump square into someone behind him.

“I-I’m so sorry, I didn’t see…--” 

Turning, Kouki quickly had to crane his neck upward once he realized it was an adult he’d knocked into, growing more flustered by the minute out of embarrassment at his clumsiness. With a deep brown colored suit hugging at his figure and a flashy tie complimenting it rather nicely, he was left to assume that he’d just tripped into his own teacher. 

Bowing down once again, at a more drastic angle this time, Kouki gave another apology, refusing to lift his face until the tall man placed a hand on top of his head, gently patting him. “Hey, hey, there’s nothing to be sorry for. I should have watched where I was going, so please raise your head. Now, you’re Etou-san, correct?”

“Eh…? How did you know?” Kouki’s mouth fell open in surprise as he lifted himself back up, gaping at the rumored Mr. Tsukishiro (he’d only heard his name one time from Kensuke, and it wasn’t even in the midst of telling a rumor) and relaxing a bit at how soft his gaze was. His humiliation began to fade along with his bright red face, swallowing as he dusted off his uniform.

“Well, I try my best to remember all of my students, and I certainly haven’t had the pleasure of meeting you before. I assumed it was probably the Etou-san who was meant to transfer today, rather than a random kid showing up to my class, fufu. Why don’t you come in and introduce yourself to the class?”

“Y-Yes, sir!” Glancing around, Kouki noticed that Kensuke must have already scurried into the classroom unnoticed while the teacher had been caught up speaking to him, and he laughed a little, warmth filling his heart; he wasn’t sure what it was exactly, but everything this new “friend” of his did made him feel quite happy inside. Like the way he flashed a smile and gave a thumbs up to Kouki from his desk when the blond stepped up to the chalkboard, nervously picking up a piece of chalk, and that made all his nerves disappear like dust blown away by the wind, despite the fact that everyone’s eyes were trained on him so carefully.

For a long time, the blond boy just stood there, chalk in hand, the soft murmur among the students swimming loudly in his ears. He begged himself to remember the stroke order for his name, flashing back in his mind to the burn of aching wrists after lonely days in the hospital spent writing various things nonstop, trying to make sure he was learning something. His parents hadn’t the time to homeschool him while he was there, so he’d had to take things into his own hands, self-teaching himself characters whenever he’d felt well enough to do so. Some of the nurses were kind enough to help teach him, but for the most part, he’d had to rely on his own mind power.

Before Mr. Tsukishiro could cut in, Kouki took in a deep breath and reached a frail arm to press the head of the chalk to the board in front of him, choosing to trust his muscle memory. “My name is Etou Kouki,” he began, shakily scrawling out the two kanji for his last name, pausing for a moment between his last and first name. “...You write it like this. I really hope that we can all get along.”    
  
Setting the piece of chalk back into the crevice of the chalkboard, Kouki spun on the heels of his feet to bow to the kids seated throughout the middle of the classroom, earning scattered applause at his introduction. Once the noise died down, the blond prepared to walk towards the back of the room, but a voice he didn’t recognize spoke up as he took his first step forward.

“Is it true that you’re sick?”   
  
Freezing in place, Kouki felt the air leave his body in one single exhale, as if someone had pushed on his lower gut and forced everything out of his lungs. Even if he wanted to respond, he couldn’t get any sound out, his eyes wide in fear. This was the one thing he didn’t want his classmates to know about; he didn’t want people to treat him differently just because he was sickly. He felt that special treatment was entirely inappropriate, so he’d planned to keep the whole thing a secret, and make up some story about why he hadn’t been in school for so long. It was already bad enough that his teacher was aware of the situation.

Before panic could fully settle into his reflexes, he heard a voice that he quickly recognized as Kensuke’s. “ _ Ryou…!  _ That’s not something you can just ask like that!” 

Forcing himself to take a look at the boy which his newly met friend had called Ryou, Kouki’s eyes widened a bit at the sight of just who was leaning against his desk so casually, sneering at the blond; what first caught his attention was the silver hair that framed his narrow face perfectly in long curly strands, glittering in the bright lighting of the classroom. His eyes were a cold pink that narrowed in warning when Kouki looked his way, making him shiver uncomfortably. On top of the impression his dazzling beauty gave off, there was an air of confidence to him that was overbearing, rolling off of him in waves all the way to where Kouki stood frozen in place.

There was even a calculated grace in the way that he sighed, tucking one strand of hair behind his left ear and letting his eyes flutter shut for a moment before he quietly glanced over at Kensuke. It was obvious that the two knew each other well, though maybe not in the best of ways, Kouki observed with a small frown. 

“...I guess. I was just a little curious, that’s all.”

Laughing nervously, Kouki offered another bow to the class, but mostly to this acquaintance of Kensuke’s, who now seemed like he was harshly judging the blond for every action he took; the scrutiny made him feel even more insecure than before as he scurried to the back of the classroom, sliding into an empty seat furthest away from the others and trying not to bring any unnecessary attention to himself. 

Mr. Tsukishiro’s gentle voice made him feel calm, though, reassuring him that things were alright as he introduced himself and began the first of their lessons; the blond stared intently up at the chalkboard, scribbling down notes enthusiastically the entire time.

When the class period came to an end, Kensuke approached Kouki immediately, grinning sheepishly as the other students flooded out of the door behind him in an extremely disorderly fashion.

“Hey! Um… I want to apologize on Ryou’s behalf. I’ve been in school with him for years and, well… he can be a bit blunt sometimes, so… just know he didn’t mean any harm, okay! He’s not a bad guy, I swear!”

Pressing his palms together as he lowered his head to Kouki apologetically, the taller of them spoke quietly, trying not to let the person in question overhear him; the light-haired kid was quietly packing up his bag in the center of the room in no particular rush, much unlike the other students. He hummed a tune quietly to himself that couldn’t quite be made out. “Oh,” Kouki says simply, nodding his head along to Kensuke’s explanation. “I see. It’s alright, really, I just was taken a bit by surprise, is all…” Pausing to think, the transfer student took a deep breath in. “I would like to properly answer him, one day.”

Kensuke gave a nod, crossing his arms over his chest. “Mm, I honestly think that he already got the answer he wanted based on your reaction, but… I think that would be nice, too, for you to tell him. I’ll be rooting you on, Kou!” Before he had a chance to respond, his classmate continued talking like he didn’t even need to breathe, teal eyes lighting up as he prattled on to Kouki. “Anyways, I was gonna ask where you live, ‘cuz if you live near me we should walk home together! Ah, but on Thursdays I’ll be busy, so I can’t do it then. I walk home with Ryou -- ah, his full name is Ryouta, by the way, I just call him Ryou -- on those days, since it’s his only day free from ballet practic-- ah, I mean… ahah, I probably, really, should not have said that…. ahahah….” 

Sticking out his tongue playfully as he tried to laugh off his slip-up, Kensuke nervously glanced over his shoulder, then back at Kouki again. It didn’t really make sense to him why this was such a bad thing to have said, so he simply made a small noise of surprise. “He’s practicing ballet? That’s incredible. I’ve heard it’s really difficult, so I hope it goes well for him.” 

“Ahah…. yeah, well… it’d be amazing if you could pretend that you never heard that. Ryou will get real mad if he finds out I told you…” 

Laughing quietly, the blond nodded, though he was even more confused than before. “Why does he not want other people to know? I think it’s really amazing that he’s doing something like ballet.”

Kensuke simply shook his head. “He’s a real work of art, that Ryou… he wants other people to see him a very specific way, ‘n I guess ballet isn’t a part of that picture. His mom wanted him to take classes, but it’s not like he doesn’t enjoy it -- in fact, I think he loves it. But...” Sighing, he started to guide Kouki out of the doorway, still rambling about his friend. 

The two of them wandered to the school entrance, discussing which ways they both needed to take to get home. As it turned out, they would be walking to the same station, but taking separate lines once they got there; this gave about ten minutes of idle chit-chat before they had to say their farewells, which they spent mostly discussing school or their classmates, and it wasn’t long before they’d reached their destination.

In the midst of the drowning noise of the station, Kouki bowed to Kensuke -- which made him just as flustered as the first time, if not more so due to the crowded area around them, but he didn’t comment on it further. “Thank you for everything, Ken,” the blond said with a smile as he raised his head back up, eyes crinkling with the happy expression on his face. “I’m very happy to have already made a friend in class. I appreciate your kindness very much... See you tomorrow.”

“Yup! See you tomorrow, Kou! Travel safe!”

“You too,” Kouki turned with one final wave to Kensuke, approaching the gateway to take the train home. He swiped his card reader against the scanner to get through, although he fumbled a bit with the process since this was only his second time trying it out, and last time his mother had been there to show him how it worked. It wasn’t too difficult, though, once he placed the card against the right part of the screen and heard it beep happily in response, allowing him to pass through.

Once he’d found a spot on the right train, carefully following signs and struggling a bit to read them, he couldn’t help grinning to himself; he’d never imagined he’d be this happy. Even once he got home, his smile never faded, the high of today’s events never leaving his mind and leaving him feeling the most content he’d ever felt in years. He was finally going to school like everyone else his age, and had a new friend.

He would be able to feel like he was normal, for once in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> relatively simply chapter to begin with so not much to say! kouki is about 11 in the beginning of this fic just for reference, entering his last year of primary school.
> 
> thanks for reading :> i will be posting chapters daily @ 2pm CST as best as I can!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp, here goes. the first chapter was just a little introduction, and i didn't want things to get super serious in the very beginning, but from here on out everything is gonna get really dark, really fast.
> 
> there is your warning! severe warning for child abuse in this chapter, and some clear mental unwellness in kouki.
> 
> enjoy!!

“Are you sure you’re doing alright, Kou? You don’t look too good…”

Sighing as he tucked his notebook away, the blond didn’t respond to Kensuke’s worried comment at first, simply staring at the contents of his bag with a blank expression. It wasn’t until the blue haired boy waved a hand in front of his face that he flinched, snapping back into reality. “Ah… Ken, did you need something?”

Kensuke frowned, a displeased look on his face, which made Kouki feel a twinge of guilt even though he wasn’t sure what he’d done wrong. He shrunk under the scrutinizing gaze of his friend, slumping back into the seat of his desk. 

“Oi, oi,” the other laughed nervously, waving his hands in a panic, “don’t get so down, I-I’m just worried! You weren’t responding to me,” Kensuke quickly explained, then placed his hands on top of his classmate’s desk, rapping his fingers along the wood surface. “You just look… unwell. Is everything okay? You’re not pushing yourself too hard, are you?”

The edges of Kouki’s eyes crinkled as he smiled softly, warmth flooding through him at having such genuine concern aimed at him; certainly, his family had never been there to give him such worried glances, such kind words. It made him feel like he actually mattered, this time around.

Though, of course, he never wanted to be a burden to his friend, either. He felt remorseful that he’d let himself space out so badly that he’d been unable to realize someone was speaking to him in the first place, let alone respond naturally.

“I’m fine, Ken. Thank you. I’m just thinking how much time has passed…” He laughed, but it didn’t sound like the usual contagious, bubbly laughter that he often gave. “We’re already about to graduate middle school, huh?”

As he spoke, his eyes narrowed, reflecting on their history up until now. Frankly, it didn’t feel like he’d just lived nearly four years of his life since that day he began public school, but… it made sense. Kouki had spent so many long days and nights burying himself in textbooks, trying to catch up on all the content he’d missed while in the hospital, just to get to this point, so the years had flown by. Studying was one of the only things he had time for, and even when he managed to catch a break, he was too scared of letting his family down to let himself relax. He couldn’t afford to slack off, not when he just wanted to make his parents proud of him for  _ something _ , sometime in his life.

Now, though, he couldn’t help but wonder if his efforts were even worth it, because he certainly hadn’t received any acknowledgement. Not even a single compliment for his hard work was thrown his way -- he almost felt like a dog begging for scraps underneath the table when everyone else was eating.

“Right! Have you decided what high school you’re going to yet? You’ll probably try to stay local, huh.”

Kouki nodded quietly, cascading his gaze away from the energetic boy. “My family wants me to go to a really popular school in Tokyo, since…. well, since they have the money to pay for me to attend, but… I think I’d rather just stay here.”

“But... you should go, right? If you have the opportunity to be successful, you should take it.”

Kensuke flashed a peace sign, and Kouki meekly offered one back, forcing a small chuckle. “I just... don’t really know if it’s what I want, Ken,” he murmured, a pained expression on his face that immediately told the blue haired teen that he should back off a bit. “Ah… sorry. Of course, you still have another month or so to make a decision, but… I just want you to thrive, y’know?”   
  
“I think you should be worrying about yourself, first, Ken,” Ryouta cut in from his desk a few feet away, mindlessly flipping through a novel without even glancing up. For a second, Kouki had forgotten the boy was even there, from how quiet he was. Despite that silence, though, it was clear that he always observed everything going on around him carefully. “How are your grades doing? Are you sure you’re even going to graduate?”

“Hey! I’m doing just fine, thank you, Mr. Elite Student! Maybe you and Kou should team up and go to some fancy school together, then, if you’re gonna nag on me so much!” Kensuke pouted, crossing his arms over his chest and shooting a playful glare at the silver-haired boy who still refused to offer his full attention to the conversation.

“Some of us don’t have the money for that,” Ryouta laughed, but it was a sad sound, with a hint of malice to it. Just as Kensuke was about to scold his friend for the unnecessary comment, Kouki suddenly rose to his feet, slinging his bag over his right shoulder and turning away from the both of them. “I’ll head home first,” he announced quietly, heading towards the door before either of them even had a chance to speak up; it was clear things would go south if he stayed there any longer.

“See, look what you did, Ryou!” Kouki could hear his classmate hiss under his breath, though whatever Ryouta said in response -- assuming he even said anything -- was drowned out by the sound of him sliding open the door. “See you guys tomorrow,” he forced the farewell out of his lungs, as if the words were being crushed out from his windpipes, because he felt scared; scared that if he didn’t say goodbye, that he would never get the chance to, since his health had been deteriorating so much as of lately.

There had been warnings upon warnings. Kouki’s doctors had explicitly told him not to push himself too hard, because his body was still weak from how long he’d been sick; it would be easy for him to fall ill again if he became too stressed over his studies. If he was falling behind, he was informed that he could speak with his teacher about repeating the year once again to play things safe and avoid risking his health. 

But that felt like giving up to Kouki. He couldn’t fail, because now was the only chance he had to succeed, and he wished for that more than anything. Or, maybe, just maybe, that was just because that’s what his father had yelled at him day after day, night after night, as he struck him with the end of his belt, leaving sweltering red marks over his pale skin until he was reduced to a trembling, crying mess. The blond couldn’t blame him, though, because he’d been crying, too as he’d begged Kouki to do his best -- though it was all a fuzzy blur to him now. 

In all honesty, maybe those times were better than the reality of the present, where his parents never even gave him the light of day. If he wanted to eat, he would cook for himself, and if he needed laundry done, that was his own business to take care of. Maybe this kind of thing was normal for kids going into high school, he told himself, but after several visits to Kensuke’s house, he was well aware that he was the exception. The Yaegashi family got along swimmingly, to the point where the blond could hardly ever get a word in at the dinner table over their happy banter.

It was just a bit lonely. That was all. 

So he’d pushed himself to the brink of death and back every day, trying desperately to get the attention he desired. He downed coffee after coffee so that his heavy eyelids could stay open for just five more minutes, scribbling down notes that he wouldn’t even be able to read the next day because his hands felt numb from writing for so long. 

In the end, all he’d gotten was more beatings; he didn’t understand why his father was so worked up now. Hadn’t he just been upset because Kouki needed to try harder? So why was he still hitting him for the exact opposite reason? It hurt so, so badly. His skin felt like it was going to melt off, and all he could think was how badly he wanted to escape from this place. 

It got to the point where all he could look forward to was the exhaustion he felt around four in the morning after a long study session, when he had to fight to keep himself conscious, because at least then no one was awake, and he was too tired to feel numb. Now, he found himself longing for that sort of feeling he’d had back then, so he’d begun studying ahead of their lessons, trying desperately to feel alive again. Trying to be exceptional so that he could get his parents eyes on him again, even if just for a second. Just to hear that he’d done well, or that someone, anyone, was proud of him.

Kouki supposed maybe he was going a little too far, now, since Kensuke had managed to notice he wasn’t feeling well… but what else was he supposed to do, if not force himself to get ahead of everyone else in his class? His father would be disappointed in him if he started to slack off, surely. He would feel numb, like he does now, sauntering through the hallways of school, back to his empty house where no one would answer when he announced “I’m home” just out of habit. To his empty bed, where he wallowed in negative energy, curling in on himself and crying out of fear, out of sadness. Wondering if he should just disappear, because people like Ryouta don’t want some snobby rich kid around, and so it would be easier for everyone to thrive if Kouki was gone, right?

It didn’t really matter too much what he wanted anymore. He just wanted everyone else around him to be happy, so… he felt that maybe, if he could vanish from this earth, and stop causing so much misery, that would be nice. 

Somehow, he was able to drift off to sleep, letting those thoughts form a black cloud that swallowed his whole body before he faded into the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! a pretty short chapter today i honestly didn't realize until posting... sorry ;__; most chapters will be way longer than this one i promise!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for homophobia, and use of the f slur for this chapter. that’s about it for really heavy stuff, but the same warnings from last chapter apply from here on out really!

Kouki woke up in the hospital. He could register the dull sounds of equipment and faded chattering before he even became conscious, and for a while he wondered if he should even bother to open his eyes, just to see the familiar white tile ceiling above his head. 

Alas, he forced himself to look, to face reality head on -- because if not now, then when would he? It wasn’t as if he could run away forever — though, If only he could. 

“You’re awake!” 

“....Huh?” Confused, the blond blinked a few times, as if the familiar face hovering mere inches away from his own would prove to be a hallucination and fade into the air if he reopened his eyes enough times. “Ken…? What… are you….”

Kensuke moved away from him, so Kouki slowly sat up, feeling a dull ache throbbing at the back of his head. He felt his heart sink when he recognized the IV inserted into his left arm, pumping fluids into him. Ah, that’s right, he hadn’t eaten in a while, had he…?

“You didn’t come to school, so I came to your house with a copy of Ryou’s notes to give to you… and no one was answering the door, s-so…” Kensuke seemed smaller, somehow, as he relayed the story to Kouki, his eyes cast to the floor. 

“A-As I was trying to figure out what to do, your father came home…”

Startled, Kouki’s shoulders tensed, and an intense flare sparked in those dull blue eyes of his. “What did he do…?!” His voice broke a bit as he asked the question, immediately assuming the worst; vivid images of his father hitting and kicking his friend surfaced in his mind, and he felt like he might throw up at the thought, so he nudged the hospital’s trash can a little closer to him just in case he was unable to stop the bile rising in his throat.

“A-Ah, nothing! Kou, calm down, it’s okay!” Kensuke grabbed a hold of his classmate’s hand and squeezed lightly. He was beginning to see his classmate’s situation in a light that he honestly wished he hadn’t; Kouki’s father had been a bit scary, sure, but it seemed there was a lot more going on behind the scenes.

“I just told him you weren’t answering the door… when we came in, you were on the floor. You hit your head on your desk, I-I think, because t…. there… was blood, and… and…”

Remembering the sight seemed to make Kensuke freak out, so Kouki intertwined their fingers and squeezed just like the other had done for him moments ago. “It’s okay, that’s enough. I think I understand now…” With his free hand, he felt around the back of his head, confirming that there were bandages striped around the middle of it. 

“Um… I just… want to ask you something, if that’s okay.”

“Eh? Of course… What is it?” Kouki felt more than a little nervous at the other’s formality; it was certainly odd for him to ask permission before blurting out his thoughts. 

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?” 

The blond’s heart twisted in his chest, sending pain through his body. The worst part, was that he wasn’t actually sure what his friend was referring to; which of the dozens of secrets that he kept about his personal life was the problem here? 

“You should have at least told the teacher, if you felt you couldn’t trust me, but if you were feeling sick you should have let someone know… we could have helped! I-I…. I feel like this is my fault, I’m sorry…” 

“Your fault? Ken, don’t be ridiculous…! What are you talking about?!”   
  
“I mean, that I noticed you weren’t feeling well! I should have been more direct, I should have tried to help you, but I--”   
  


“Ken, stop it!” Kouki didn’t realize he was yelling until a nurse cracked open the door, trying to find out the source of the commotion. He ducked his head down in an apology, biting his bottom lip as he trembled in frustration. “This was always going to happen, anyways,” he whispered, leaning back against the pillow propped behind him on the hospital bed. “Please don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine.”

Kensuke frowned and he lifted up Kouki’s hand off the bed, studying it as if the answers he wanted were within the crooks and crevices outlining the surface of his palms. ...“I’m gonna come visit you lots, okay! So please… I-I want to be there for you. You’ll be back in the classroom real soon, I know it. But until then, I’ll bring you Ryou’s notes and help! Er, well… maybe I should just bring  _ him _ , because I’m not a very good tutor… eheh…”

Rubbing the back of his neck, Kensuke sheepishly smiled as he rambled on. “Ah, no, I really don’t want to bother you guys,” the blond insisted quietly. “It’s okay, I’m having my family bring my textbooks here, so I can just study myself…”

“But that’s so lonely! At least let me visit you after school. Please…? I don’t know what I’ll do without being able to see my best friend! Kooouuuu….” Kensuke gave his best puppy-eyes look, where he stuck out his bottom lip in an overexaggerated pout. Kouki burst into laughter at the expression; it was probably the first time he’d let out that warm laugh of his in months, and the blue-haired boy broke out in a huge grin upon receiving such a reaction. 

“Fine, ahaha… Then, it’d make me very happy if you’d come by every once in a while. But please, don’t let it distract you from school.” 

“I’ll be fine! Don’t worry. I have to go back home for dinner, now, but I’ll come back right after school tomorrow, ‘kay? You also have my digits if you need to contact me for anything. I’ll respond right away! I’ll be just like one of those nurse call buttons where you can ask for assistance!”   
  
Kouki giggled. “I have one of those right here, though…” he pointed out, holding up the small remote for Kensuke to see. The teen’s mouth fell open, struggling to respond, a blush spreading across his face when he realized that yes, this was a hospital, of course there would be one here... 

“W-Well… well, not all nurses are a dazzling young boy such as me, who also happens to be your best friend, r-right? Right?!”

“That’s very true,” the blond laughed again, running his right hand through his bangs to sweep them to the side. Kensuke’s gaze caught on watching the action happen, his mouth open in a small “o” as he observed. “Wow, your hair’s sure getting long now, huh… I didn’t really notice. It’s pretty.”

He reached forward to touch the long locks of hair flowing from his head, smiling at how soft to the touch they were. “Really pretty. You should definitely keep it long.” 

“Eh…? Ah, thank you, Ken,” Kouki smiled, tilting his head; he wasn’t sure if that was meant to be a compliment, really, but it sounded like it. “If you say so, then I’ll be sure not to cut it.” 

“You better not! Alright, take it easy, okay… I mean it. You’ll be feeling better in no time as long as you just get some rest.” Kensuke gave the top of Kouki’s head a gentle pat, then rose to his feet, gathering his bag from the furthest seat in the corner of the hospital room. This was the first time Kouki had ever seen something in that chair, since no one ever visited him here; the sight filled him with a bittersweet feeling that swelled up inside his chest.

“Yeah. Thank you, Ken… for everything.”   
  
“O-Oi, that’s seriously a death flag, don’t talk like that….! You have plenty of time left to thank me. In fact, if you really wanna thank me, then work on getting better! That’s what would make me the most happy.”   
  
“Ah… Then, I’ll do my best…” With a subtle nod of his head, Kouki’s gaze followed Kensuke as he slipped out of the hospital room, sliding the door shut behind him; the silence that followed his departure was deafening, leaving the older boy feeling more alone than ever. Despite that, though, it wasn’t as crushing of a feeling as it would have been years ago, because he knew that his friend would come to see him again tomorrow -- that fact made him feel much less alone.

Smiling solemnly to himself, Kouki sighed and glanced around the room; nothing really seemed to be different about his surroundings from the last time he stayed here, though he supposed that would be a bit more surprising than if it had remained the same. He rolled onto his side, feeling the light tug of the IV connected to his arm as he tried to get comfortable. This time is different, he tried to remind himself, closing his eyes and allowing himself to fixate on the fact that he would be able to see Kensuke again tomorrow. Everything would be alright, he wasn’t alone this time, he told himself as he allowed himself to fall into a light slumber to pass the time.

The nurse who was taking care of him was a different one from before, but that was to be expected -- it had been nearly four years, after all. Luckily, though, she was kind from what Kouki could tell, and she apologetically explained that because of his medical history, it wasn’t a good idea to discharge him for at least a week, especially when his vitals weren’t reading how they were supposed to. She hurriedly assured him that it was likely just because of the impact on his head, and that there was likely no big issue to worry about. 

One week turned into two, though, and two to a month. During the third week, Kouki’s mother came to visit him, and the visit filled him with anxiety. She called in his nurse almost immediately upon seeing him, asking if it was okay for them to cut his hair. 

“Dear, it’s getting much too long, you’re starting to look like a girl…” His mother grimaced at the sight of his appearance, shaking her head in disappointment. Kouki felt sick to his stomach, shaking his own head back and frantically grabbing onto her arm. “Mother, please, I want to keep it this length, I--” 

“Oh…? Kouki, honey, what have I told you about talking back? My decision is final -- I won’t have my only son looking like a  _ faggot _ .”

Gritting his teeth, the young blond simply lowered his head in defeat, murmuring an emotionless agreement. He knew there wasn’t much point in fighting back; it would only make the situation worse for him if he tried to stand against her when there was something she wanted. 

She hummed a joyful tune when she snipped off the long locks of hair that Kensuke had admired so happily just weeks before, sending a blond pile of hair fluttering down to the tiled floor of the hospital room, strand by strand, until the length of his hair was at the base of his neck; the skin there grew goosebumps, not used to the lack of warmth covering it from the cool air. His mother held a mirror up to let him examine her work when she was done cleaning up her trimming job, but he couldn’t manage anything more than a forced smile, thinking how much he absolutely despised it. 

Kouki had broken his promise.

That was all he could think of, even after he explained what happened to Kensuke and got a cheerful “don’t worry about it! Kou looks super cool now, too!” in response; guilt consumed him as the days went on, and he grew weary.

There was no end in sight; it had been a little over a month since he’d been so sweetly assured that he’d be out by the end of the week. As the second month began, Kouki began to toy with the idea that he wasn’t even sick, but his doctors just wanted to milk his family for all they were worth. He laughed as he spoke his theory aloud to Kensuke one evening, legs crossed and arms resting in his lap as he remained perched on the hospital bed. 

“I know it’s silly, and it’s just a thought but… I don’t even feel that bad, it doesn’t feel like I’m sick,” Kouki rambled, and his classmate nodded vigorously as he listened along, a thoughtful expression on his face. These sort of serious conversations became a norm for them, and Kouki was very thankful that the blue-haired teen didn’t mind listening to him vent, because he was sure he’d go crazy if he was cooped up in here all alone again, only able to keep his feelings to himself.

“...and I don’t know, I’m just… I’m really tired of spending my whole life here, surrounded by these walls. My own family doesn’t even come to see me… it’s so miserable.” He sighed and clenched his fists, then unclenched them. When Kensuke didn’t reply at first, Kouki glanced up curiously, only to see teal eyes staring him down. 

“E-Eh…. did I say something weird…?” He asked in confusion, nervously shifting on the bed. Kensuke blinked, then placed his hands on his thighs, taking a deep breath. “You said you’re tired of staying here, right?” He finally asked, glancing to either side of him as if he was afraid of being overheard.

“Why wouldn’t I be? There’s a whole world out there I could be enjoying, but instead I’m forced to stare at blank walls all day. Of course, you coming to visit helps tenfold, but any other time is really tough…. I-I….just want to escape…” 

“...Then why don’t you?”   
  
Huh. Kouki wasn’t expecting that response at all, whatsoever. 

Stunned, it took him a minute to even think about answering the question, but Kensuke continued upon seeing how flabbergasted he was. “Since you’re not in critical condition, am I right in saying that you don’t have someone watching over you at night? That’s why you have a call button. So, what I’m saying is… you could easily sneak out.”

“K-Ken, I don’t know if you realize, but this is the  _ fifth floor.  _ How exactly is it  _ easy  _ to sneak out of here?!” Kouki spoke in a hushed whisper, but the shock in his voice still got across without him needing to yell. 

“Hey, listen, I mean it! With my help, we can get you out of here lickety split, if that’s what you want. People who are visitors can enter as they please, so all I have to do is give you some spare clothes to change into! Once you’re out of that hospital gown, you’ll pass off as a visitor for sure! You could just waltz right out the front door, Kou!”

Kouki pinched the bridge of his nose as he listened to the other’s explanation; it was a very… Kensuke-like plan, that’s for sure, but that wasn’t exactly a good thing sometimes. “You are aware that I spent all of my childhood practically  _ living  _ in this hospital, correct? Any staff member would recognize me walking down the halls. I appreciate you trying to cheer me up, but this is a little too far of a joke,” he laughed softly, folding one hand over the other. 

“It’s not a joke!” Kensuke exclaimed, eyes flashing as if he was offended at the remark. “I’m serious, Kou. I don’t want you to be stuck here anymore… so, won’t you believe in me?” 

Kouki scoffed under his breath. “It’s not a matter of whether I believe in you, but rather I don’t want you getting in trouble for assisting in breaking me out of a hospital,” he explained, raising an eyebrow at his friend. Kensuke laughed quietly, nodding in agreement. “I suppose so. But…!! There’s no evidence in this plan that directly links me to being involved. All you have to do is wear the clothes I give you! Hell, I could even give you my sister’s clothes if that’s…ahem, actually, no, never mind. A cross-dressing Kou might be a little too much.” 

“Ah, yeah, I’d rather not…” Kouki agreed awkwardly, grimacing. “A-Anyways!” Kensuke coughed, trying to relieve the brief moment of tension. “Listen, I’ll check in wearing these clothes, and then give you them when I get in the room. We’ll do a clothes swap, see! That way, you’ll just look like me when you leave! Ah, but I guess that makes it hard for  _ me _ to leave, huh…”

“Clearly. Ken, it’s really okay, you don’t have to work so hard to come up with an escape plan… aren’t exams coming up in almost a week? You  _ are _ studying for them, correct?”

Kensuke gulped, laughing nervously at the topic change. “O-Of course I am…!” The forced reply made Kouki chuckle, the corners of his eyes crinkling. “Will you really be okay…” he wondered aloud, making a playful gesture at his classmate. “Stop it…!! You’re starting to sound like Ryou, he already lectures me enough about my studying habits!”

“Ahah.. sorry, sorry. It’s just… you do need to take that more seriously than… whatever this escape nonsense is. I’ll be fine living like this, really.”

“Mmm… if you say so… But,” pausing, Kensuke fixed the boy perched on top of the hospital bed with a chilling stare. “I think that you can get out of this place anytime that you want to; you’re just scared to fight for what you want… that’s all.”

“Huh…?” Kouki’s eyes widened at those words, a twinge of hurt pricking at him; he noticed the way Kensuke’s eyes darkened a bit, an unusual grim expression on his face. Before he could make a rebuttal, his friend rose to his feet, trying to quickly force a smile, waving his hands in the air frantically.

“....Juuuust kidding! Sorry, I couldn’t resist making a comment like that.” 

Laughing it off, Kensuke turned away so that his face couldn’t be seen. “For real, though, I do need to get going. It’s late, and my sister’s probably gonna yell at me for missing dinner… Ah, um, I’m gonna be MIA for a bit since I should probably do some cramming...”

Kouki nodded, offering a small smile even though the blue-headed teen still wasn’t turning back to face him. “Yeah. Good luck, Ken, I’m sure you’ll do great.” It filled him with loneliness to know that he wouldn’t be able to speak with his friend for a while, the one person who could complain to about his situation, but he knew it wouldn’t be for long.

“Mhm. Take care till I can come back, okay? Byebye!” 

And with that, Kensuke was gone, leaving Kouki in the dimly-lit night of the hospital room, eyes narrowing as he thought over the way that conversation had shifted towards the end. He could remember the drop in his classmate’ voice as he spoke ,the way it had sent a cold chill down his spine; he was certain those were Kensuke’s true feelings just then, but...

Was he really that much of a coward…? The more that he thought about it, he realized that was right, after all. He had been running from reality all this time, when the solution had been right in front of his eyes. 

If he wanted to leave so badly…

“...I’ll just leave, then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im posting this chapter on mobile since i’m out all day so sorry if there’s any mistakes i didn’t catch! thanks as always for reading


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for brief mentions of physical abuse, but most of this chapter is a happy fun time! 
> 
> most being the key word

It had been simple, really. 

He’d spent the whole next day fretting over his plans, despairing over the tiny details that could easily go wrong, wondering what might happen to him if he got caught; however, he realized that night that he’d been afraid over nothing. His biggest concern had been the IV in his arm, but he managed to get extremely lucky with that issue; perhaps some higher being out there was on his side, aiding him in his escape, because his nurse informed him around nine o’clock that she was going to stop supplying fluids to see if they could identify what was the cause of his symptoms, since trying to keep him hydrated clearly wasn’t making him better by now. 

She had removed the needle and taped a cotton ball to the inside of his arm, patting it lightly as she assured him that if he should feel odd for any reason through the night, he could call for help immediately. He felt a bit guilty taking advantage of the kindness she’d offered him, wondering if she would treat him so kindly if she’d known that he was planning to make a break for it that same night.

Regardless, thanks to this, he was able to slip out of his room with no troubles. No one had even questioned him, as it seemed the hospital closed down the side branches after eleven o’clock when visiting hours ended; any nurses on duty were likely watching patients in critical condition, or helping with emergency room visits. Whatever the case, it meant no one was there to question why he was meandering about the halls at such a late hour, which made for an easy exit. It had been so simple that it made Kouki laugh at himself for having been so weak before, so scared of consequences that he had obediently stayed cooped up in that room for so many years. 

  
But now…Now things were different. Kouki closed his eyes as he felt the cool March breeze tickle at his bare neck, fresh air flooding his lungs when he breathed in, cleansing him through and through. 

Behind him, the looming tower of the hospital grew further and further in the distance as he strode forward, excitement coursing through his veins; he would argue that he felt more enraptured now than he had the first time he’d been allowed out of the hospital. Perhaps it was because he knew deep down that he wasn’t supposed to be out here, the fact that he was doing something wrong -- but felt so  _ right --  _ pumping adrenaline through his pounding heart.

It didn’t even matter that he had no idea where he was going; he didn’t even know his lefts from his rights, or where anything in town was, because the only thing familiar to him was the layout of the hospital, and the route from school to home -- everything else was a mystery to him, an exciting tale of adventure that led him forward into a new world he knew absolutely nothing about.

The blond simply walked until his feet hurt, then walked some more -- until he heard a voice. A heavenly voice, that felt like it was calling to him in the form of a song, and so he followed in a trance, blue eyes twinkling with awe and curiosity. 

“My gloria,” the voice sang, “drawing that nostalgic figure in a scene of golden yellow…” The melody swelled in Kouki’s chest, twirling around his heart, the notes squeezing so gently like a comforting hug. The young boy clumsily tried to climb up the rocks in front of him, determined to reach the top of the hill from which those lyrics sauntered down and brushed against his cheek, wiping away the tears he hadn’t even realized were flowing, dripping down his chin. 

“Beautiful…” he whispered, trying to gain his footing enough to take the next step up; he felt exhausted, more overworked than any of those nights that he’d spent studying to the brink of fainting, but it made every breath he took feel so real, so sensational. He could peer around the corner now, revealing a teenage boy with dark, curly hair that clung to the base of his neck, his back pressed up against a sakura tree that had just started to bud. His eyes were closed, but the moonlight filtering through the branches of the tree made his eyelashes glitter, making Kouki stare with wide eyes at the beauty before him. 

Honestly, Kouki thought that he looked like an angel, his figure outlined by the white light of the moon in the sky, hair subtly swaying in the spring wind as he sang that sweet, nostalgic melody that continued to bring tears to the blond’s eyes. 

“Ah!” An exclamation was torn from the hospital escapee as he lost his footing, the rock below his right foot shifting suddenly and sending him falling backward. He wondered for a moment if he was going to die, as he watched the world spin, then turn to a blur -- but before he could wonder further, everything stopped.

“Are you okay?! Geez, hold on tight, my hand’s gonna s-slip…” 

The boy who’d been singing before spoke, and even his strained voice was like cotton candy in Kouki’s ears, melting into a gooey sugary substance that gave him heartburn. It took him a moment to process that he’d been saved, but once he noticed the deathly tight grip around his wrist, he used his other hand to grab back onto the lush grass of the hill above the rocks, pushing himself upward and grunting as he mustered up all of his energy to boost himself all the way onto the surface above. The hill wasn’t that high up, but he still felt the need to gasp for breath once he’d gotten himself to safe grounds. 

“S-Sorry,” he sputtered, shoulders heaving as he swallowed down air in frantic gulps, glimpsing up from the dark patches of grass beneath him to stare at the other, who was now worriedly observing the blond. “Thank you so much.” Scrambling to bow down in an attempt to show his appreciation, he earned a shocked noise from the other, much like how Kensuke had reacted when they’d first met. He felt a little embarrassed about it this time, too, but he couldn’t help but want to make sure this stranger knew how grateful he was for the help he received.

Raising himself once again, Kouki stared up at the flustered teen, blinking thoughtfully as he took a closer look at him. He wore a loose denim jacket that hid the broadness of his shoulders a bit, but not completely, hugging his figure in just the right places to compliment his look. Underneath was a dark t-shirt that looked black in the dark of the night, but Kouki decided that it was a deep purple by the way it occasionally basked in color when he moved back into the dimness of the moon’s glittering light. The shirt hung low on his body, so low that it seemed silly that it wasn’t tucked in, covering his torso all the way to his thighs, where baggy khaki pants took over, reaching down to just above his angles. 

The blond thought it was kind of cute how everything he wore was obviously way too big for him, but it didn’t look bad, just… very like him, from the impulsivity and adventurous behavior he’d seen on display so far. He giggled, then realized the other’s eyes were still on him, probably making the same sorts of observations as the silence began to hang over the both of them. The wind blew gently, rustling the trees and the soon-to-be sakura blossoms budding along each branch.

“....Really, thank you, um…” 

“Fujimura. Fujimura Mamoru,” with a radiant smile that blinded Kouki even in the dark enclosure of the tree they were hidden under, the tall boy introduced himself. “You should be careful out here… That really startled me. Though, I’m glad that I was able to grab you in time....”

Kouki nodded meekly, his voice small as he responded, feeling overwhelmed by the other’s dazzling kindness. “Fujimura Mamoru-san….mm, I was just… wondering what you were doing. Your voice is really pretty…” When he spoke, there was a blank look on Mamoru’s face for a moment, followed by a heavy blush as he glanced away, rubbing his cheek with his finger. “A-Ah…! Is that so? It makes me happy to hear that, thank you very much…ehehe...”

“...Etou Kouki,” the smaller boy murmured, shifting so that he could sit properly on the soft grass beneath him. “My name is Etou Kouki,” he clarified quietly when he only received an inquisitive glance in response to his speaking up. Somehow, even just stating his name gave him butterflies when he said it to this boy; he was sure it was just nerves, since he hadn’t met someone new in so long, but…

“Kouki, huh… Hm, how about I call you Kou-kun? You see, I’m n-not the best with names, and I think nicknames are a lot more personal, a-and, so...” Laughing out, a warm sound that chimed through the cool night, Mamoru ran a hand through his messy hair. Kouki’s heart swelled up; the sound was so comforting, making his shoulders relax instinctively. Right now, he felt like he was home. Not home as in where he lived, that place that filled him with dread and fear, but… where he  _ belonged _ . 

“T-That’s fine… Mamoru-san…” Kouki’s lips formed a straight line, growing flustered. “So, what were you doing before? That was a song, right?” That expression of confusion returned to the brunet’s face as he examined the shorter boy who had perched himself on the edge of the hill, kicking his legs back and forth as he spoke with this newly made friend -- at least, he’d like to think Mamoru was a friend, someone he could trust in right now.

“Erm… yeah, I’m a composer. I couldn’t really sleep, so I came out here ‘cause this is my special spot, and I was trying to come up with lyrics for this melody that’s been on my mind. I find that it’s nice to just… sing, and see where the music takes me.”

“Composer…? Melody?” Kouki’s face scrunched up, and now both of them were terribly confused. “Eh…? Kou-kun, could it be... do you not know much about music? W-Wait, actually…” Mamoru moved back to scan the blond up and down, his eyes shining as the faint light of the moon reflected on flittering fuschia orbs for a brief moment. Then, he reached forward, grabbing a hold of Kouki’s left wrist, frowning as he stared at it like it had all of life’s answers etched into the plastic material that was loosely equipped around it.

“This wristband… and that gown, too… I thought it was a little odd, but... don’t tell me, are you...?”

Fear manifesting into a grimace on his face, Kouki glanced to the side, unable to face the other head on. Even without a full sentence, Mamoru’s question was clear, and his eyes twinkled as they stared intensely at the hospital gown that hugged Kouki’s body, then up at his pained expression. 

“Um… I’m from the nearby hospital, yes. But I’m fine, really, so please, don’t freak out… If I was super sick, I wouldn’t have even made it up this hill, you know.”

Mamoru sighed, shaking his head as he hummed to himself. “No, no, that’s not the issue here. You’re right, but… should you even be out here at this hour? You should be resting, surely! It’s… nearly morning, I think…?”   
  
“You think?” Kouki chuckled at the other’s clear frazzledness, though he felt quite guilty. “Mm, I told you, I’m doing just fine. I… want to stay here with you, just a bit longer…” 

Even he’s surprised at the words that spill from his lips, watching as Mamoru’s eyes widen at his desperation to spend more time with him. “W-With me…? Ah, no, wait, didn’t anyone teach you that talking to strangers is bad…? I’m flattered, but--”

“Mamoru-san isn’t a stranger!” Kouki interrupted, blue eyes narrowing and nostrils flaring as if he’d taken offense to the comment. He shrunk a bit when he realized he’d spoken a bit harshly, rubbing the back of his neck with his right hand. “...I mean, you’ve introduced yourself to me, right? And I don’t think that Mamoru-san is a bad person. So isn’t it fine…?”

The brunet sighed in exasperation, clearly unsure how to handle Kouki and this odd persistence of his. “I’m telling you, you’re too trustworthy… that kind of thing can really come back to bite you when you’re older.” His words were distant, as if he was talking from personal experience, and he didn’t look back at the younger boy for a moment. 

“...I told you before, how I came here because the sound of your voice led me here,” Kouki spoke softly, leaning in a bit closer to Mamoru, moving his hand to prompt the fingers still wrapped around his wrist to release their grip. Flustered, the tall boy complied, mumbling a quick apology as he yanked his arm back and placed both of his hands in his lap. 

“I heard you and I… wanted to know more. I wanted to find out what this feeling I had was, that I’d never felt before… your words, they sounded like… like freedom. Like what I’ve been searching for all this time… It drew me in.”

Mamoru listened quietly as Kouki tried to put his feelings into words, a small smile on his face. “If my music was able to reach you, then I’m glad,” he said, staring up at the night sky through the branches of the trees above them; tiny stars glittered through the gaps, and his eyes reflected the distant light of them as those sincere words left his lips. Then, suddenly, he made a small noise of realization, tearing his gaze away from the billions of white sparkles decorating the darkness above to look at Kouki. Reaching forward and grabbing a hold of the blond’s hand, he grinned, reaching it out towards the sky with the help of his own grip.

“Can you see the stars up here, Kou-kun? Look where I’m showing you, you may not be able to see too well from here…” 

Kouki squinted, letting his gaze follow the path of his arm, down to the end of Mamoru’s finger as he pointed -- but it simply looked like a cluster of dark blues and greys to him. He gave a dismal shake of his head, a hint of a pout at the corners of his lips. “I can’t see,” he answered, slightly disappointed.

“Mm, is that so…. In that case!” 

Abruptly, Mamoru let go of Kouki’s hands, practically jumping to his feet; in doing so, he’d forgotten that there was a tree just above him, yelping in shock when his head made contact with the bundle of branches and flailing his hands to push them away from tangling into his hair. “Jeez, give me a break…!” 

Kouki burst into laughter, only making the older teen more flustered as he tried to escape the mess of branches and buds tumbling off the tree onto his jacket. Once he’d finally managed to break free, he ducked down, breathing heavily with a sheepish expression on his face. “L...Let’s try this again, shall we? And hey, stop laughing at me!”

Struggling to stop the giggles surfacing within him, the young boy shook his head. “S-Sorry, I’m not laughing  _ at _ you! I promise.” 

Still not quite convinced, Mamoru simply sighed, shoulders slumping in defeat. “If you say so, but… I totally just made a fool out of myself, didn’t I…” He mumbled to himself as he turned away, positioning himself on his knees and hands as he tried to eye where the gaps within the lower tree branches were. Crawling past the tree to the other side, the musician beckoned for Kouki to follow, standing up once he’d cleared the shrubbery and desperately brushing off his clothes with an aggravated sigh. Small twigs were plucked off here and there from the fabric of his jacket and tossed to the ground, and Kouki watched with a dumb grin on his face as he rose to his feet next to Mamoru. This was the first time they were both standing side by side, the blond noted; height-wise, he came up to about Mamoru’s upper chest.

“Get on my back,” the brunet urged when neither of them spoke for a moment, lowering himself so that the other would be able to climb up easier. Wide-eyed, Kouki simply stared, dumbfounded, trying to determine if Mamoru was truly serious. “H-Hey,” the taller boy frowned at the obvious doubt in Kouki’s eyes, “I promise I’m not that weak, I won’t drop you… probably…!” 

“Probably?!” Kouki took a step back, but he laughed for what felt like the millionth time that night, his gut beginning to ache a little bit as a result of it. He’d only been with Mamoru for about thirty minutes, now, but it felt like he’d already lived through an entire lifetime of happiness… was it selfish of him to never want this night to end? 

“Seriously, get on! Trust me,” Mamoru insisted, snapping him out of his thoughts.

“O-Okay…” Nervously, Kouki simply fidgeted in place for a moment -- he really did trust Mamoru! But… he was still weak. He’d always been weak, but especially now that he’d walked so far, and climbed up that hill, he wasn’t too sure if he could actually...

Before he could even finish worrying over the risks of letting himself try to step outside of his comfort zone, Mamoru suddenly turned to place his hands on either side of Kouki, lifting him into the air and eliciting a high pitched bark from the blond out of shock. The stomach churning feeling lasted for only a split second though, before his feet touched the ground again, and the both of them let out heavy exhales at the same time afterward.

“M-Maybe not, huh…” Clearly overexerted, Mamoru flopped back onto the soft grass beneath his feet, leaning back against the tree behind them. “I thought it was worth a try… sorry about it.”

“N-No, you just surprised me, that’s all… b-but wait, if I  _ had  _ climbed onto your back, then surely you would have dropped me! Right?!” Frowning, Kouki placed his hands on his hips as he watched Mamoru laugh nervously, sticking his tongue out. “You got me there… Sorry, really! I thought I was stronger… or maybe I just thought you looked lighter, actually.”

“The doctors all tell me I’m way too light for my age,” Kouki stated matter-of-factly, completely crushing any chance of the latter being the case. 

“H-Hey, you’re supposed to be on my side here! If you say that, then surely that just means I’m weak!” Mamoru pursed his lips, but he laughed, causing the blond to giggle a bit, too, as he tentatively took a seat directly next to the musician. He could feel warmth radiating from the other, filling him with a warm feeling deep within in return. Or maybe that was just the happiness he was experiencing, he supposed, since it  _ was  _ an emotion he wasn’t incredibly familiar with these days. 

They both remained silent for a long while, Kouki’s left shoulder brushing against Mamoru’s right ever so slightly as they leaned back against the sakura tree together. It was peaceful, just enjoying the night’s cool air gently caressing his face, swaying his short hair in the wind. 

“Ah, so… I forgot to explain myself, kind of…” Mamoru was the first to break their hushed presence, looking over at the boy sitting next to him. “There’s a constellation called Lynx that’s visible around this time of year in the sky. O-Oh, a constellation is a group of stars that are clustered together, they’re said to form a shape, so they’re named after what they resemble!” 

Mamoru’s eyes seemed to light up as he explained, so Kouki simply stayed quiet as he rambled on, peering up at him from the shoulder he was leaning on. That excited expression of his was one that made Kouki feel all fluttery inside, a tiny smile tugging at the corners of his lips. 

“The Lynx constellation is a bit of an exception, because it doesn’t really look that much like a lynx at first glance… but the name comes from the fact that it’s really hard to see, y’know? That’s why I asked if you could see it or not… The idea behind naming it was that you would need the eyesight of a lynx to be able to see it clearly in the sky. Oh, but there is a theory that it was named after a sailor called Lynceus who had incredible eyesight! It was never proven, though.

“It was created since there was a pretty big amount of space between the two constellations next to it, so I suppose it was mostly a way to fill the gap... I guess it makes sense that you can’t see it, though, since your eyes probably aren’t accustomed to darkness like this… A-Ah, wait, sorry if that’s rude…”

Kouki smiled, shaking his head. “No, you’re right… Though my eyesight isn’t terrible, I don’t think. Can  _ you  _ see it, Mamoru-san?” Tilting his head, he sighed in content; this sort of idle chit-chat as they looked up at the stars together, allowing Kouki to forget about all of his troubles as the fresh air filled his lungs with every breath in… he truly felt at peace.

“Yeah, I can. It’s a relatively big constellation, though it’s very dim… I think that’s what makes it so special though.” 

Moving back slightly, Mamoru ran a hand through his hair; Kouki tried to contain his disappointment at the loss of shared warmth, something he’d lived so long without. He felt that it would probably be too intrusive to reach any further, acting on that selfish desire to gain everything he’d missed out on. “The stars may be dim, but there’s no doubt that someone thought they were significant enough to form a constellation with them… sometimes, it’s not all about how bright you can shine, or what kinds of amazing things you can do, but just… existing and trying your best.”

When he realized Kouki was staring at him with his mouth agape, Mamoru laughed nervously, eyes darting from side to side. “B-But maybe that’s just me being silly! I don’t know, I can think a little… too deeply about things like this…” 

“No, that’s incredible, Mamoru-san… you really know a lot about the stars, huh…”

The brunet glanced back up at the sky to observe the dim stars he’d been speaking of. To someone who didn’t know they existed, they may not even appear in the sky, which felt very lonely to him. Maybe that’s why he was so fascinated by the constellations, and how they spoke of loneliness from light years away from them, twinkling dismally in the darkness that stretched out above them.

“Mm, not that much… I just like to read about things like this, that’s all.”

“But that’s why it’s so cool,” Kouki insisted, offering a warm smile that Mamoru returned after a short moment. “You work hard for the things you’re passionate about. I can see it in your eyes when you talk about it… and I imagine it’s the same when you sing those songs of yours… You’re dazzling, just like all the stars up there, Mamoru-san.”

“E-Eh?! Surely not that much…!” Mamoru blushed heavily, turning his head away from the younger boy in embarrassment at the compliment. Kouki wasn’t sure what it was about those shy reactions of his that he was growing so fixated on, but they made his heart swell more and more every time.

From then, nothing changed; much of their time was spent simply laughing, chatting back and forth into the late hours of the night, enjoying each other’s presence.Soon enough, there was a hint of the coming break of dawn along the horizon, as morning started to sift its watch through the branches of the trees surrounding them. 

It had been maybe four hours, but it felt as if time itself had stopped. 

“...Listen, Kou-kun. You’re… I’ve been glad to spend time with you, because you said you wanted to stay a while longer, but…”

Kouki froze, feeling his joy start to freeze over at the edges of his heart, rendering him immobile. This wasn’t what he wanted to hear… he never wanted it to come to this. He’d hoped that they could stay like this forever, and he wouldn’t have to worry anymore about the hospital, or his sickness, or… or anything. He supposes it was silly to wish for that from the start, though -- of course things couldn’t stay like this.

“...you need to go back, okay?” The teenager’s voice was soft, a feather-light tone as if he was scared he might break Kouki if he spoke these shattering words too loudly. Perhaps that really was something that could happen, with the fear that completely took over the blond’s frail body, sending tremors through him as he tensed up.

Dragging his knees up to his chest, Kouki shifted his body so that he was turned away from Mamoru, much like a child throwing a tantrum. He refused to respond, giving the other the silent treatment; he was aware of how immature this was, especially in the face of how kind Mamoru had been to him, but he was just so scared that he couldn’t help it. He wasn’t supposed to go back there, he was supposed to make a clean break and be free from hospital life for good, so why?

“It’s not that simple,” he finally whispered, and he wasn’t sure if it was to himself or a response to Mamoru’s chiding -- maybe it was both. “I can’t go back…”

“...I was fine with letting you stay out here for a while, but when is that going to end? Kou-kun, you can’t get better if you just ignore treatment… if they haven’t officially discharged you, you really need to go back, it’s not a matter of whether you want to or not, unfortunately. How else are you going to get better? Trust me, this isn’t going to help--”

“Why does it even matter what happens to me?!” 

The pained yell that squeezed itself out of his quickly tightening chest shocked the both of them, and it was clear that Mamoru didn’t know how to respond for a second, eyes wide in surprise. Before Kouki could even process the emotions bursting within him like a dam breaking open, he was suddenly crying, tears overflowing and dripping onto the hospital gown that felt so constricting against his knees. His whole body trembled with every sob, and he buried his face further as if it would stop the older teen from looking at him. 

All he wanted was to stop. He was so humiliated with himself for crying, especially when Mamoru was staring at him, probably judging him for being such a baby. Honestly, he was lucky that it was someone else, because if this was his own house… well, he would have been struck with the end of his father’s belt, firmly told that boys don’t cry. He’d be hit until he stopped, which was always the hardest part, because by the time he could manage to calm down, he’d be crying for a different reason.

Despite knowing this, though, the tears wouldn’t stop. Mamoru didn’t speak as he sobbed, the only sound aside from the soft rustling of leaves moving in the wind being him sniffling and bawling into the torn-up fabric of his gown. A thought flashed through his head that if he couldn’t be happy, and these good times had to end, he’d rather just have nothing at all. 

“You barely even know me, so what does it even matter?! You don’t understand, I c… can’t go back there! I’ll be stuck there the rest of my life, a-and I… I can’t, no, I can’t do this. I’m never going to get better, and I’m so…so f...” Nervously, Kouki froze as a word began to form on his lips, but he seemed unable to get it out, so he tried again. “I don’t want to be treated like some helpless child forever… I’d rather just d… die! So why can’t you just leave me alo--”

Suddenly, Mamoru grabbed at Kouki’s shoulders so tight that it caused him to yank his head up in shock, a slight pain shuddering down his spine at the fingers grasping at either side of him. When he looked up, those fuschia eyes were filled with a rage so intense that it made Kouki shiver all over again. 

“Ow! H... hurts… I-It  **_hurts_ ** , Mamoru-san, p-please let go--”

“It hurts, doesn’t it!?” 

Mamoru raised his voice to a yell. For the first time since they’d met, his voice was not sweet like honey to Kouki’s ears; instead, it grated against his eardrums, rang through his skull and made him cower down on instinct. Maybe it was just because of how his father treated him in the past, but he felt fear gnawing at the very marrow of his bones, telling him to run even though he was frozen in his tracks.

“If it hurts, then that’s the point!” The harsh voice continued to deafen him, making the blond cry even harder than before, struggling to even comprehend the words being pelted at him like stones. “The pain means that you’re alive, doesn’t it?! Wake up and look around you!”

Kouki didn’t like this. He was so scared, he wasn’t sure what he should do, because he worried that if he didn’t do something to fix this situation he’d… he’d... “Please, stop yelling,” he weakly spoke, flinching further into his curled up position as if he would be struck for talking back. Wasn’t that a normal reaction? He felt that it was.

Going quiet for a long moment that left Kouki trembling, Mamoru seemed to calm down a bit, the grip on the blond’s shoulders loosening to a more tolerable amount of pressure. Kouki let out a sigh of relief when that scary expression faded, but the fear still pulled at the strings of his heart, making it hard to breathe properly. “A-ah… I’m sorry, I… wasn’t thinking straight, I’m so sorry. I’m not mad, or anything, I promise, I just… I really can’t forgive that, Kou-kun. I can’t stand by and let you say that you’d choose death, just because things are a little hard right now.”

The blond boy frowned, unable to understand why the other was so mad. Had he said something wrong? Was it so bad for him to want this suffering to end? He couldn’t wrap his head around it, couldn’t comprehend why this whole world had turned against him.

“Sometimes… sometimes, it’s a miracle that you even wake up in the morning. Sometimes, you spend days without properly eating, but you still get up and live another day. No matter how miserable… no matter how horrible your life may be, at least you’re still alive…” 

Mamoru spoke as if he was reciting something he’d memorized, written down a hundred times for a speech. Kouki stared up at him through teary eyes, because while these words were spoken so matter-of-factly, he could tell they were coming from deep within the brunet’s heart. It made him wonder what kinds of things Mamoru had gone through, himself; maybe, just maybe, this boy was someone who knew very well about what it meant to suffer, just like Kouki did.

“...What I’m trying to say, is… I think that you’ve got it all wrong, Kou-kun… That kind of outlook on life? It’s… it’s too cruel. So, please, I don’t ever want to hear you say that you want to die again. Can I ask that of you?”

“Mamoru-san--” 

Ready to interrupt, Kouki glanced up at Mamoru with pain twisting his expression. But the brunet wasn’t done speaking, he realized, as he took in a deep, shaky breath, and looked Kouki in the eyes once again.

“I want you to let me teach you about life. About the joys of music, about how it feels to sing your heart out and let all the negative feelings disappear into the air… about the stars in the sky -- hell, even about the town that you haven’t gotten to see yet. Anything, please, just let me show you that it’s worth living… I don’t want you to give up on yourself just because you’re sick, okay…? So please. Please, let’s go back to the hospital… I’ll come visit every day and teach you something new, to make sure you don’t get stuck alone with your thoughts.”

Both of them fall silent. Kouki digs his nails into his leg, trembling as he tried to process everything that was happening; before, he’d felt so free, so at peace with the fact that he’d never have to return to the hospital again. Now, this boy who he’d become so interested in was trying to force him back into that miserable hell, to ruin this freedom he’d finally achieved, like a cat being shoved into a tiny little crate before a trip to the vet.

But he knew deep down that thinking that was wrong.   
  
Mamoru wasn’t trying to ruin anything. In fact, the worry sparkling in those pale pink eyes of his was as clear as day, waiting for some sort of response from Kouki. Sighing, the blond placed one hand on top of the other’s as it remained curled around his shoulder, afraid to let go. With a bit of prompting, though, he released his grip, still staring down at the sick boy. 

“I promise you,” he continued when Kouki wouldn’t offer a response, “I’ll do everything in my power to make things better. In fact, I told you that I come to this spot often, right?

“This is my favorite spot, but especially in April… the buds on this tree?” Pointing to little clumps of green and pink lining along the branches above them, Mamoru spoke softly. “They’ll bloom and turn bright pink all over. Not only that, but there’s lots of trees like this all around the lake, so it’s a really pretty sight. I think everyone should be able to come here at least once, to sit and view all the trees in full bloom, petals blowing in the wind…”

Mamoru seemed to look back fondly on his own memories of springs spent in this place, eyes twinkling as he smiled, though there was a bit of sorrow in his eyes. “So… I’ll talk with your nurses and convince them to let me take you here again after they’ve bloomed! Oh, I can also take lots of pictures of things for you! I actually left my phone at home today, b-but whenever I’m out I’ll try to take pictures and show you them… My main point being, though, that I promise I’ll take you to this spot! Maybe I won’t be able to convince them this year, since you  _ did  _ break out and all, ahah… but sometime in the future for sure. And I never break a promise!”

“It’s a promise…?” Kouki asked, his voice no louder than a mumble, barely audible over the gentle breeze filtering through the trees. He was extremely apprehensive about this situation, but… he supposed if Mamoru would stay by his side through this, then maybe, just maybe… 

“It’s a promise. Here, stick out your pinky! I’ll even pinky promise you!”

“P-Pinky promise…?” Regardless of his confusion, Kouki did as he was asked, extending his right hand with his pinky stretched out; Mamoru curled his own pinky around the younger boy’s, and giggled before pulling his hand back. “A pinky promise is the strongest of promises! It can never be broken!”

Grinning, the blond laughed again, feeling a twinge of hope within the depths of despair that had taken over him. The way that Mamoru was able to make him smile even amidst such horrid feelings was beyond him; why, exactly, was it that this boy made him feel so safe, so secure, even in the worst of situations?

“...The sun will be up soon, so… Look around you, and just relax for a moment, okay? You’re going to be alright. Let’s not worry about it.”

Kouki glanced around at their surroundings, those words taking him a bit by surprise; for a moment, he’d forgotten that they were here, outside. The emotions swirling inside him like a raging storm almost had him fooled that he was already back in the hospital, surrounded by machinery and an IV stabbed into his arm. He took a deep breath, swallowing down the bile rising in his throat as he struggled to tear himself away from the vivid memories, instead choosing to follow the other’s instructions, closing his eyes for a moment and then reopening them.

There was color. 

Color as far as the eye could see, and it made Kouki’s ache in a happy, calm way that he hadn’t even known to be possible. A bright, warm yellow painted the horizon and all of the trees in sight, with light pinks and oranges dyed all in between, much like a painting he felt he might have seen in the hospital lobby once before. Except, now, it was reality, not just some picture that felt too foreign to him to be enjoyable; right before his very eyes, he could watch as the sun creeped its way up into the sky from behind the trees, inviting all the birds to sing a joyful tune in response to the morning’s arrival.

“Sunrises are one of the many miracles of life,” Mamoru commented as he gazed at the sky along with Kouki, a content expression on his face. “Sometimes, too, the birds whisper to me a melody that I just can’t forget! I’m always grateful for a little push in the right direction for a new song, ehehe…”

Smiling at the way the other rambled on, Kouki twisted his neck to sneak a glance over at Mamoru. The sun’s rays had painted him, too, in such fabulous shades of color, bringing out his beauty in a way that nearly made the blond gasp, breath catching in his throat. This was the first time, he realized, that he’d really gotten a good look at the owner of the lovely voice that had sung out to him hours ago, that had spoken so softly to him throughout the night.

The sight was quite literally, breathtaking. Possibly more so than all the nature surrounding them, these wonders that Kouki was seeing for the first time, combined.

His hair, Kouki realized, was a more purple-ish hue than a true brown, and it shimmered brilliantly as the two of them basked in the light of the sunrise, its vivid color being complimented perfectly by the warm colors of dawn. 

His eyes, too, shone all the more brighter in proper lighting, fuschia orbs absorbing all the light seeping through the tree branches and reflecting it in a billion shades of pinks and purples… it reminded Kouki of how sometimes, when the sun bounced just right against that tiny glass window in his hospital room, there would be these colorful lights that danced along the plain white wall in front of his bed. Whenever those lights went away, Kouki always felt quite lonely, blankly staring at the nothingness that had returned once again to haunt him.

Perhaps, the blond thought, Mamoru was really quite like that light he so fondly remembered, but… would that mean he, too, would simply slip out from the crevices of his fingers, the newfound brilliance he’d managed to capture and hold onto tight disappearing into the air like nothing had ever existed before? He would have nothing again, if that was the case.

Pushing those thoughts out of his mind, Kouki swallowed, letting his eyes linger for a bit longer on the silhouette of Mamoru, the dark hues of his figure looking almost black against the yellows drowning him out in an angelic light. “So pretty…” He murmured, though when Mamoru looked over curiously, the blond realized he’d spoken aloud without meaning to. He quickly glanced back at the landscape splayed out before them with a blush dusting his cheeks, hoping the comment hadn’t been weird.

“Mm, mm, isn’t it gorgeous?”

Sheepishly Kouki smiled, realizing that Mamoru thought he’d meant the sunrise; of course, he believed that was pretty, too, so it wasn’t necessarily a problem that this misunderstanding had occurred. Besides, why would it be weird for him to think Mamoru was pretty, anyways? It was true, the brunet had such an elegant air about him, and all of his features were eye-catching… “pretty” was just the best word to describe his looks. Yet…

Yet, it wasn’t, and it made Kouki’s stomach churn uncomfortably after he’d thought it. He focused his gaze on the horizon spreading out before them, golden hues twinkling among the oranges and pinks; the sun had begun to peak out from the trees, a blinding orb of white-yellow...

“I wish it could be like this forever,” Kouki breathed, closing his eyes and letting the morning breeze gently kiss his cheeks. He’d thought that so many times tonight, that he just wanted to stay by Mamoru’s side for the rest of his life; everything would be much better if he could stay here and forget about his sickness, about those cold, dull walls that were always looming around him in every direction.

“...It’s easy to say that, of course, but… The fact that these things are fleeting is what makes them so stunning,” Mamoru murmured, his eyes narrowing as his smile turned to a more grim expression. “‘Beauty’ isn’t forever. Eventually, everything good comes to an end… and that’s why we have to hold onto these small things so dearly -- we never know how much longer we’ll be able to enjoy them.”

Shocked by the sudden insight, Kouki simply blinked, offering a tiny nod and a slightly hesitant noise of agreement; he hadn’t intended for this to be some sort of philosophical debate, or an argument on why he wasn’t allowed to want these happy times to last forever… It almost felt like he was being scolded. 

“That applies to now, too, doesn’t it? Kou-kun… I think it’s about time.”

Sighing, the blond hugged his knees again, but he didn’t turn away -- not this time. “...I guess so,” he practically whispered, sadness shining in those deep blue eyes of his. “Mamoru-san… I--”

“Don’t worry so much,” the taller teen cut in, flashing that comforting smile of his which never failed to make Kouki’s heart melt. “Everything is going to be okay. I’ll come with you, and I’ll make sure everything is alright… of course, I think that you should be the one to take blame for your mistake, but if things start to head south… then I’ll do what I can to help. So please, know that it’s going to be okay.” 

Kouki felt tears welling up in his eyes, but he fought the urge to begin crying, biting his lip and giving a meek nod of his head. He was scared; so scared, he felt like he wouldn’t even be able to get back to his feet and make his way back to the hospital, but…

Mamoru’s words made him feel safe. His voice reached the deepest parts of Kouki’s heart and embraced them, making him feel all soft and fuzzy inside, to where he could genuinely believe that things might turn out alright. Even if he knew deep down that they wouldn’t… that Mamoru would just have to leave once this was all over, and he’d be alone again.

“Thank you, Mamoru-san.” Kouki exhaled, eyes fluttering open as he allowed himself to stare up at the other’s face for a little longer, still unable to grasp the fact that such a pretty, kind person was really right in front of him.

“Mm. Let’s head back now, okay?” Rising to his feet -- being extra careful not to hit his head this time -- Mamoru extended his right hand to the blond who still remained perched against the tree, stretching his fingers out towards the younger boy.

With a nod, Kouki took hold of Mamoru’s hand; it was warm, and his hand fit perfectly within the palm of it, like two pieces of a puzzle meant to be attached. He smiled as the brunet helped tug him to his feet.

“...Yeah. Let’s head back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOTS of content in this chapter oops… i accidentally made this chapter as long as the first three chapters combined which really says a lot about how i feel about mamokou.
> 
> anyways! fun fact: the scene where kouki is yelling, kouki wanted to say “i’m so fucking tired,” but he got scared to curse, because he’s only heard his family doing it and kouki is a baby. do not let him say fuck
> 
> also, when mamoru and kouki meet, kouki is almost 15 (takes place in march, pre-sakura season so a couple months before his birthday) and mamoru is 17! 
> 
> i hope that covers all the little things i wanted to touch on… sorry (or you’re welcome??) for this being a much longer chapter dsfkshdf


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more mentions of abuse in this chapter, but it's a brief part!

It was around two o’clock in the afternoon, the day after Kouki had met Mamoru; Fujimura Mamoru, a sweet, charming boy who had somehow managed to convince him to return to the hospital, the one place he dreaded more than anything. It was odd, really, how his gentle words of encouragement had made Kouki feel like maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, after all, as they headed back, holding small conversations about nothing in particular along the way.

By the time the two of them returned, and had finished smoothing out the situation with the receptionist who’d looked like she was about to fall asleep at her desk, it had been around eleven in the morning. Mamoru had happily waved goodbye to the blond with a comforting smile, reminding him that everything would be okay, and urging him to get some sleep as soon as possible.

Kouki had certainly  _ tried  _ to follow those instructions, but in the end he’d felt much too anxious to get even a wink of sleep. Even though he was exhausted, and being conscious in the hospital when he could be fast asleep, forgetting about his troubles, was probably one of his least preferred scenarios....

He was also excited. 

Excited, because the other teen had promised to come visit him everyday, so surely Kouki would be able to see him again soon. Some part of him felt that maybe, if he just waited around patiently for the rest of the afternoon, he could be rewarded with a knock at his door at any given moment. With this thought in mind, he’d anxiously laid in bed, tossing and turning, wondering at what moment that certain someone would show up. His hopes began to dwindle, transforming into a dark cloud of concern and nerves inside his chest, telling him that maybe something had come up, after all.

It wasn’t until about four o’clock that he realized something important -- that being, the simple fact that Mamoru needed sleep. Even if Kouki had managed to stay awake waiting for him, surely the brunet was horribly tired after accompanying him all night -- it made perfect sense that no one had shown up yet! He was worried over nothing, and just needed to be a little more patient.

But then came dusk, and every time Kouki nervously asked an attendant if someone was coming to see him, they frowned and shrugged at him, saying they weren’t sure. Before long, visiting hours came to a close, and the blond sadly curled up into bed and closed his eyes, trying his best to remain positive. Surely, tomorrow, he’d be able to see Mamoru again, right? 

Now, it was two o’clock on that following day, and no visitors had made themselves known so far. Kouki glumly played with the leftovers from his lunch, though he insisted to his nurse that he wasn’t done eating it yet, because if he wasn’t able to poke at the small bits of chicken scattered along his tray, he was sure he’d go mad from the nauseating anxiety churning in his gut. He spent the rest of the day this way, until the plate was forcefully taken away from him at around four, and he was left to his own thoughts. 

Despite that dark tide ebbing closer and closer to him, Kouki continued to cling onto the hope that maybe Mamoru would show up. He forced half of his dinner down that evening when he realized that the musician would probably scold him if he found out he hadn’t been eating his meals, and the last thing he wanted was to worry the teen any more than he already had.

Once night fell, though, remaining optimistic became harder and harder, as Kouki’s worries plagued him throughout the night. The darkness closed around him as he lay wide awake, and morning came without a blink of sleep, his anxiety leaving him unable to take even a single bite of the breakfast splayed out on the bed in front of him. He felt ill, and the room threatened to begin spinning around him as these feelings of dread began clawing at the insides of his chest.

Why hadn’t Mamoru come to see him? The question remained, gnawing away at him as minutes became hours ticking away on the clock. Was he okay? Or… surely, he  _ was _ going to come, right? Now, Kouki couldn’t even manage to answer that question with the same enthusiasm as before.

Maybe he’d let his guard down too much. After all, it probably had been foolish of him to think that someone as wonderful as Mamoru really wanted to waste his time in a rundown hospital with a hopeless kid who didn’t deserve any more of the endless altruism he’d received that day. When he thought about it that way, Kouki decided that perhaps it made sense for the older teen to have decided that he didn’t want to come back after seeing the building that morning. He could have just promptly dumped Kouki into the hands of the nurses and doctors that, as nice as they were, made the blond feel like he was going insane every day.

He even began to wonder if perhaps he’d deluded himself this whole time, and there wasn’t anyone named Mamoru that he’d ever met before -- that he’d just created an ideal person in his mind to escape his harsh reality, one where he’d never even run away in the first place. He was stuck here, just like always, and there was no one coming to save him.

“It was stupid of me to think things would be different,” he laughed, a bitter sound that was filled with sadness, as he leaned back against the all-too-familiar pillow resting behind his neck, embracing him with his own pathetic scent. Even Kensuke had stopped coming to see him, and though, logically, Kouki understood it was due to exams, his brain claimed that was just an excuse to get away from him, because why would anyone want to be around such a pathetic brat? He was alone; that was how it would always be, and how it was always meant to be. 

How hopeless.

These thoughts grabbed him by the neck and slowly made it harder and harder to breathe, crushing his windpipes and squeezing the last of the air he had out of his lungs.

“I shouldn’t have even agreed to come back...” Kouki sighed, and he wished that he could roll over onto his stomach so he could hug the pillow underneath him, the one thing he had right now to cling to; but the IV in his arm tugged at the slightest movement of his arm, reminding him that all he could do was lay here and accept things as they were. 

After a long while of staring at the blank ceiling above him, the blond heard a knock at the door, and he groaned. Not even having the energy to offer a response, he closed his eyes, knowing by now that the door would open whether or not he gave the nurses permission to enter; knocking was just a warning of some sort, to let him know that he had approximately two seconds before someone would be bursting through the sliding door.

This time, however, nothing happened. Silence followed the knock, followed by even more silence, and Kouki glanced at the door nervously. Was his mind playing tricks on him? Maybe he was going crazy, too, on top of being sick, and there had never been any sound to begin with. 

“I-Is someone there…?” 

The patient forced his voice out, though it sounded feeble enough that he wasn’t sure if it was audible. Shifting so that he could sit up, Kouki felt his breathing speed up just a little, despite how much he tried to keep himself calm. He just couldn’t help but wonder if maybe, just maybe…

“Kou-kun? It’s you, right? Can I come in?”

Freezing at the sound of the voice he could swear he’s heard echoing in his dreams for the past few nights, Kouki swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat, desperately trying to find  _ something  _ to say. He was conflicted, too, because of course he wanted Mamoru to come in, but he also was pretty sure he looked terrible right about now. He’d been sulking for the past day and a half, and he hadn’t eaten since yesterday, so…

“Come in,” the blond called out after drawing in a deep breath, willing himself to calm down. Why was it such a big deal that he looked terrible? Of course he did! He was a sick kid stuck in a hospital; there wasn’t much to work with to begin with. Maybe it was just because Mamoru was so stunning, that Kouki felt as if he wanted to impress him, but… that was silly. 

When the door slid open, the two’s eyes met, and for a long while Mamoru simply stood in the doorway, scanning Kouki’s gaze for something deep within those distant blue eyes. Meanwhile, Kouki was overwhelmed by the sight of Mamoru in the dimly lit hospital room, the lowest parts of his hair pulled back into a tiny little ponytail that the blond couldn’t quite see when he was looking head-on. 

“You’re… real, right?” Kouki blurted out before he could think twice, and grew a bit flustered at his own ridiculous question, breaking their stare to look down at his covered lap in the hospital bed. Mamoru giggled a bit, but it didn’t sound like a condescending laugh; it was the same warm sound that made butterflies spawn in his stomach, fluttering about all around his body. 

“What kind of question is that?” The tall boy asked, still in the midst of a bout of laughter as he finally stepped into the room, sliding the door closed behind him. “Nice to see you too, Kou-kun…” With those words, Mamoru patted Kouki’s head gently, which made him stiffen up in shock. 

Before he could stop them, tears that he’d been holding back for days welled up in Kouki’s eyes, threatening to spill over within seconds. Alarmed, the brunet in front of him staggered backwards, mouth agape. “K-Kou-kun?! Did I say something…? P-Please don’t cry…!” The sheer panic in Mamoru’s voice filled Kouki with that stupidly warm feeling again, and he didn’t know how to handle all of these emotions overflowing within him.

“M-Mamoru...san…” Leaning over the rail of the hospital bed, Kouki reached out to tug at the brunet’s shirt; today, he’d worn a simple white t-shirt with a purple stripe across the chest area. It was more tight-fitting than what he’d first been wearing, though his pants remained on the larger side, the fabric pooling down at his tan sandals. Mamoru turned, confused, and Kouki immediately buried his face into the warmth of the teen’s torso when he did so, clutching tighter at the thin fabric hugging at the visitor’s waist. 

“H-Hey, really, now…” Mamoru sighed, wrapping his arms around Kouki’s lower shoulders in a comforting embrace; this simply made Kouki sob against him, and the brunet’s heart ached at the feeling of the frail boy trembling in his arms. “Everything’s going to be okay,” he whispered soothingly, running his hand along Kouki’s back and beginning to hum a soft melody -- the boy’s sobs quickly ceased at this, carefully listening to the way the musician’s voice dipped flawlessly between notes like an gentle stream flowing through a sunny forest. He felt as if he could feel the cold water brushing against the palms of his hands, the soles of his feet, slipping through the cracks between his fingers.

It was a peaceful few minutes of Mamoru singing a gentle tune to calm him down, and when he finished the song, he let the very last note gradually die out as he ran out of breath. Kouki sniffled once he’d deemed it safe to let any noise out, removing his face from Mamoru’s lower chest and glancing up at him with a face of pure awe.

“What was that song?” He asked, his voice sounding a little nasal. He separated himself from the brunet to wipe at his nose with the back of his hand, though Mamoru hurriedly found a tissue box on the counter and handed it to him instead. “Not sure! I just sang whatever came to mind… that’s usually how I write my songs, after all. A musician has to be able to come up with melodies on the spot, you know!” He beamed as Kouki promptly blew his nose into a tissue, his eyes sparkling when he looked back up. “Really? That’s so amazing, Mamoru-san! A-Ah, wait, I-I ruined your shirt, I’m so sorry!” 

“Eh…?” Tilting his head in confusion, the brunet glanced down to see what Kouki was staring at to see a few wet spots on his shirt from the other’s crying session. “...Oh, don’t worry about that…! Nothing a little cleaning won’t fix.”

When Kouki still pouted a little bit, unconvinced, Mamoru leaned forward and poked his cheek. “Don’t make that face! I promise, it’s fine. I’ll even wear this shirt again after I wash it, if you want me to prove it.” Huffing, he pulled up one of the lonely chairs sitting unused, covered in dust, in the corner of the room, turning it so that it was facing away from Kouki and then simply sitting backwards in the chair. 

“O-Okay…” The blond meekly agreed, letting the subject drop as he set down his small pile of tissues on the small table next to his bed. The two were quiet again as Mamoru glanced around the room, taking in his surroundings with a thoughtful expression.

“...So, are you feeling better now? I don’t want to pry, so I’m not gonna make you tell me what’s wrong, but… I know crying always makes me feel better when I’m sad.”

Kouki frowned, and for a second it looked as if he was a bit angry; in all honesty, he kind of was, because the musician clearly didn’t seem to get that he was the reason the boy had gotten so upset in the first place. “I… I started to think you weren’t coming back, Mamoru-san,” he whispered, biting his lip as he tried to stop himself from bawling all over again. “I waited, and waited, and I thought maybe you forgot about me, or that… that you didn’t want to see me again, and…”

Mamoru’s face went grim, his smile falling into a straight line that left him looking stern. “Of course I was going to come back,” he breathed, pain twinkling in the centers of his eyes as he tried to read Kouki’s expression. “I’d never…  _ ever  _ just leave you here. I know how hard it was for you to make the decision to come back, so I’d never do something like that. Really, I meant it when I promised you, okay?”

Kouki nodded, a slow, deliberate movement of his head. “I-I just… thought you’d come back right away, so I… I got scared…” When he trailed off, Mamoru reached forward and grabbed ahold of the blond’s small hands, enveloping them with his own warmth; the same warmth that always had such a mysterious way of calming Kouki down, making him feel so secure.

“It’s okay to feel scared,” Mamoru began gently, sliding his own fingers in between Kouki’s. “But… I’m sorry I made you feel that way. T-The… truth is, I was actually… working on a little gift for you. I’ve… never had to visit a hospital before, so I didn’t realize that visiting hours were a thing… I tried to visit the first night, but it was too late, ahah...

“Um, but… that doesn’t really make the pain go away, so I’m really, truly… so sorry that I left you feeling this way, Kou-kun. Here, keep your hands out like this, okay?” Mamoru smiled as he removed his own hands, digging around in one of his pockets with his tongue sticking out a bit in concentration. Kouki obliged, though he didn’t really understand why he was holding his palms together like this.

“...Ah, here it is! Okay, close your eyes.”

Following the instructions given to him once more, the young boy allowed his eyes to flutter shut, darkness swallowing his surroundings. He wasn’t scared, though, because Mamoru continued to speak to him, that sweet voice assuring him that he wasn’t going to open his eyes to see that no one was ever there.

“I made this myself, so it’s not the greatest… but I’m hoping you might like it!”

Seconds later, something was placed into the palms of his hands; something circular in nature that felt light in Kouki’s hands. When he was allowed to open his eyes, he was greeted with the sight of many flowers strung together with flimsy string to form a bracelet. The durability of it was questionable, and it certainly wasn’t of the highest of quality, but…

“This… this is… Mamoru-san…” 

Kouki was still breathless, all the same, and he struggled to find a proper response. The fact that Mamoru had put so much work into a present for someone like him… his heart ached in a way that, oddly, didn’t feel painful to him. It was a pleasant feeling that tugged at his heartstrings, made a smile form on his lips before he could even will it so. 

It was weird, to feel as if he was floating when he was stuck with his feet planted to the ground; he had nowhere to go, and yet, he was flying through the skies, seeing all that there was to see. It didn’t really make sense to Kouki, but he also didn’t want to think too hard about it, lest he psyche himself out of his feeling of calmness. 

The blond ever-so-carefully took a hold of the bracelet and slid it onto his right wrist, marveling at how pretty the flower petals looked all bundled together like that. It was a little loose, but not enough to fall off his arm, so there wasn’t any problem. 

“It’s lovely… Surely you worked hard to make this, though, right?” 

“Eh? Of course! I wanted to cheer Kou-kun up, s-so… um…” Mamoru pressed the tips of his fingers together, blushing and falling quiet when the embarrassment of those words that he’d blurted without a second thought hit him properly.

“That’s very sweet of you, Mamoru-san… but…” Sighing, Kouki twirled the bracelet slowly around his wrist, taking a careful look at each individual petal as he tried to distract himself from the situation at hand, frowning thoughtfully. “Why are you giving this to me?”

The question took Mamoru by surprise, clearly; even if Kouki wasn’t looking, he could feel the hurt in his voice when he responded. “W-... Do you not like it, after all…? You don’t have to… keep it, if that’s the… case…” 

Mamoru’s response grew more and more dismal by each word, sinking down in the chair he was perched against like a pierced balloon deflating; Kouki hurried to refute the claim, feeling horrible for having thrown such a vague question at the other. “T-That’s not it at all! I really do think it’s lovely, Mamoru-san! So please, don’t worry! It’s just…”   
  
“Just…?” 

“I… I don’t think that I deserve something so nice, really. It makes me so happy, it really does! But… I haven’t done anything to deserve this… I’m just…”

Kouki sighed as he felt his anxieties spiraling within his gut, twisting and churning. “I don’t understand…  _ You _ don’t understand, rather. You’ve barely even spoken to me. You don’t… you don’t know who I am, Mamoru-san…so to give me something like this, it’s not… it’s--”

“Maybe you’re right.”

Shocked at the calm, calculated response that cut into his anxious ramblings, Kouki peeked his head back up, feeling his chest ache at those serious eyes of the brunet’s, filled with nothing but concern as he gazed back. “Maybe I don’t understand all that much about you yet. But at the very least, I know you’re a good person, who’s deserving of something nice. Let’s see…” 

Leaning back, Mamoru placed his forearms on the wooden outline of the chair to stop himself from falling out of his seat as he thought for a moment. “...Hm… ‘Kou-kun is a smart boy, who is a bit sheltered but wants to learn more; things like music and the stars fascinate him, or rather, things that he hasn’t experienced while living in the hospital draw him in. He isn’t afraid to take risks, but he fears the consequences that these actions may cause…’ something like that would be how I’d describe you now. So? How’d I do?”   
  
With a silly grin, Mamoru beamed, waiting for Kouki’s response; it was like a puppy wagging its tail, waiting hopefully for its owner to give it a nice pat on the head as a reward. For whatever reason, the blond that was incredibly endearing, or even cute in its own weird way. His hands were still trembling, but hearing Mamoru continue to patiently speak to him was calming, and those words made flowers blossom in his veins, scattering petals into his bloodline. 

“Mm, you flatter me too much, Mamoru-san,” he said, soft spoken. “I’m… not really anything better than a coward, you see. I’ve always been scared of everything… but I just try to put on an act so that everyone thinks I’m brave. So that…”

_ So that my parents will be proud of me. So that I won’t get hit too hard after dinner, when my father barges in and yells at me. So that I won’t be locked up in this place forever... _

An endless stream of reasons that Kouki wouldn’t dare speak out loud flooded through his mind, causing him to leave his sentence unfinished; the same panic from before felt as if it was going to drag him back under the surface, clinging tenaciously to his ankle. Mamoru didn’t comment on the way he fell short, though, and instead offered a comforting pat on the shoulder. 

“...You’re here, aren’t you? For that alone, I think you’re very brave. You not only broke out of a hospital, which is nothing to sneeze at, but you made the decision to come back, and faced your fears head on. You might think that I helped you, by trying to convince you to return, but I didn’t  _ force  _ you to do anything. You, yourself, gathered the courage to do the right thing… that’s not cowardly at all, Kou-kun.”

Stunned into silence, Kouki didn’t reply for a long moment, simply staring at Mamoru as a thousand emotions whirled inside him like a raging storm. But the best thing about being around the other boy, was that he was patient -- too patient, he sometimes felt like. The brunet would simply wait as long as it took, without pressuring the younger boy to respond.

So, for a while, they just sat together, Kouki perched on the hospital bed and Mamoru slumped in the chair below him, the sound of the heart monitor and their soft breathing filling the room. Finally, though, he managed to find a response somewhere within himself.

“You always know just what to say, don’t you…?” Kouki murmured, wiping at his eyes to stop the tears that had welled up in them from spilling over. “Thank you, Mamoru-san. You’re… really too kind to me.”

“Mamoru,” the brunet said softly, “just call me Mamoru, okay? You don’t need to treat me like I’m superior, because I’m really not, Kou-kun. I really do plan to come here to visit you whenever I can, so I don’t want you thinking you need to be so polite with me. We’re friends, from now on -- okay?”

The smile that Mamoru offered Kouki was dazzling, just like all of the happy little grins and giggles the blond had the pleasure of seeing, but it felt so much brighter, so much more ethereal than any of the ones before. Smiling warmly in return, he extended his hand to shake the other’s with a happy noise of approval. 

“...Friends!” 

Kouki confirmed, as if saying it himself would really make it true, and the word vibrated on his tongue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soft chapter!!! soft chapter!!!! who knew she had it in her...
> 
> hope you guys are enjoying, and as always , kudos + comments are very appreciated! thank you!


	6. Chapter 6

With Mamoru by his side, the days seemed to fly by for Kouki; though, one the other side of that same coin, it also felt like every day was an eternity, a never ending fantasy that filled the hospital patient with more joy than he could ever feel like he deserved. It didn’t really make sense to him, how time was able to feel like it had completely frozen, yet also feel like it was passing him by before he could even blink, but… none of that really mattered, because he was happy. Kouki was so, so happy to have the honor of spending time with someone as wonderful as Mamoru, whose mere presence was like a shining star in the dim night sky of his own life.

It seemed like the longer that the two of them spoke, shared so many moments of laughter and smiles, the more Kouki began to feel as if he’d known the musician forever, or even in a previous life. The pain that had built up inside from all those years of loneliness had begun to erode away, the calm waves of Mamoru’s kindness slowly lapping away at the sturdy, jagged edges of his heart until the corners all were smoothed out; eventually, it was as if none of that suffering even mattered anymore, now that he’d been saved.

Because, really, did it? 

At the end of every day, when the nurse would poke her head in and awkwardly mumble that their visiting hours were coming to an end, and Kouki felt that nervous despair tingling in his body… Mamoru would flash him that signature smile of his, the one that made the blond feel such serenity that he’d never experienced in his life until now, and he’d promise to be back again tomorrow.

“I’ll be waiting here right at ten, so that I can come and see you as soon as possible,” he’d say, and his invisible tail would wag, as if he was somehow more excited to be visiting this place than Kouki was to have him come here. It made the blond feel so special, and his heart fluttered whenever those words became reality; every morning, Mamoru showed back up again, truthful to his word. It stunned him in the most joyful way, made him breathless every time there was a knock at his door, that gentle voice calling his name like it was its very own melody. 

What could matter more than that? It felt a little silly, sure, but if Mamoru was going to offer his time, then Kouki was certain -- nothing could ever make him any happier than that loyal dedication. 

The time they spent together was veiled in a blinding light that the young boy held close to his heart; he could feel its rays warming him from within, even just sitting next to Mamoru in silence. So, it made sense to him that time felt it had stopped, even when it  _ didn’t  _ make sense. He couldn’t believe that now, it had only been a week since the brunet showed up at his hospital room, brushing away all of his fears and holding him close. His presence never failed to make Kouki feel like he mattered, like he was loved; these feelings were so new to him, so dazzling that he didn’t know what to do with them, really.

That morning, as Kouki held his chopsticks in one hand, he found himself longing for the other to be here, enveloping his own trembling fingers with that warmth he seemed to have so much of, making the patient feel fuzzy all over from how secure he felt. The thought took him a bit by surprise, but he didn’t have much time to think about it before his phone rang from the side of the bed, interrupting any pondering he could have done. 

With hands that he was now painfully aware were cold, the blond picked up the phone and pressed it to his right ear, murmuring a greeting, his tone dipping up inquisitively. He’d only gotten calls from Kensuke before, and one time from his mother to tell him she was on her way to drop off his things, so having the phone ring was a bit of a shock. There was a possibility that Mamoru had gotten the number from the front desk, or something, but...

“Yo! Miss me?”

A bright, energetic voice that Kouki hadn’t heard in a while rung through the horrible quality speakers of the hospital phone. His shoulders unstiffened themselves when he realized who it was, his posture loosening a bit so that he could actually relax. “Ken,” Kouki breathed happily, a small smile on his face. “It’s been a while. How are things?”

“Urk…! Don’t just dodge my question, Kou! So cruel…” Kensuke let out an overdramatic sob on the other line, and Kouki giggled. “Well, do I really need to answer it? Of course I miss you. Are exams going okay?”

Leaning back as far as he could without dragging the phone stand off the table, the patient exhaled, looking up at the clock. It was nine thirty now, with half an hour left until visiting hours began; he wasn’t exactly sure that he’d be able to offer a lot of time before Mamoru got here, but he was still extremely grateful to be receiving a call from his friend.

“Yup! Easy as cake!” The student beamed, pride filling his voice. “I… actually, um, finished my last one yesterday, to be honest. I was too tired to even think afterwards, so I crashed on my couch the second I got home before I could call…”

Kouki grinned, a small laugh escaping him as he imagined the sight of Kensuke splayed out on his couch, his limbs dangling off the edges. The boy was quite tall, maybe around fifteen centimeters taller than him, and so just from height alone he surely took up quite a bit of room. It was almost  _ too  _ vivid of an image in his head, honestly.

“Haha, it’s fine. I’m glad that you felt they went well, and of course, you should take care of yourself before worrying about me. You’ve been getting enough sleep, right?”

There was a soft hum on the other line. “Yeah, yeah, don’t start lecturing me now… Ryou’s already done way enough of that…” With an exasperated sigh, the boy shifted, causing a few thuds as the phone picked up his movements. “I wanted to come visit today, but my sister wants me to help out with something… Have  _ you  _ been doing okay, Kou? If you want, I can tell her that I have plans, ‘cuz I don’t want to leave you alone in there for too long, ya know!”

Tugging at the collar of his hospital gown, Kouki made a nervous noise that was somewhere between laughter and agreement, his eyes shifting to the side even though Kensuke couldn’t see him through the phone. “W-Well, actually…”

For a brief moment, he thought about telling the blue-haired boy all about his escapade, about meeting Mamoru, about  _ everything  _ that had happened the past week or so. It was all too tempting to spill the details now, even when he knew he wouldn’t be able to get all the words out before the clock struck ten, because it made his heart ache to think of keeping something from his best friend, but… in the end, it felt more appropriate to explain this kind of thing in person.

“...Do you think you can come by this evening, just for a bit…?”

His voice was subdued, sounding almost a little hesitant. Truthfully, the blond felt conflicted, because he didn’t want to lose any of the time he’d grown to love spending with Mamoru so much, but he also wanted to be able to see Kensuke as soon as possible. He really felt excited to talk to his schoolmate and tell him all about what happened, and explain all of the nice things the musician had done for him in just a week’s time.

“Hey, even if I  _ didn’t  _ think I could, I’d drop everything and come running if you asked me to. So definitely, I’ll come see you, Kou! I’ll find a way to get out of the house after dinner, promise.”

Smiling at the other’s kind words, the blond nodded. For a while, the two of them simply chatted back and forth; Kouki appreciated a way to fill the time until ten, especially if he was able to talk to Kensuke to do so. The ever-energetic boy rambled on and on about school, but before long, the conversation turned into comments about the mysterious classmate that Kouki had never really had a chance to befriend properly -- Ryouta.

“...I swear, he must be a genius or something, because during our maths exam he was the first to finish! He was out of the classroom within like thirty minutes! How does someone solve math that quickly?!” Kensuke groaned, though he didn’t necessarily seem angry, or jealous, Kouki noted… rather, there was more of a hint of admiration in the teen’s voice as he made the comments, which was quite curious.

“And really, I’m not sure how he manages to look that good even when we have to show up early for these things! Does he just wake up and his hair is flawless? My hair looks like a damn bird’s nest when I wake up, and I have short hair!  _ His  _ is all long, and pretty, so I’m not sure if he’s just gifted or if he styles it or something in the morning, but God, it drives me crazy!”

Raising an eyebrow, Kouki simply chuckled. “You seem rather worked up over it, Ken.” He gave the clock hanging above another anxious glance -- there was now only five minutes until the turn of the hour, and he was starting to doubt whether their phone call would end in time. He also didn’t want to interrupt, of course, so he simply fidgeted in place as the other continued prattling on.

“Well, of course! He’s such an enigma, even after I’ve known him for years! It’s insane how mysterious he manages to be, and did I mention how pretty he is? Like, it’s not even fair--”

“I’m not sure that ‘pretty’ is a very good word to be using for a boy,” Kouki cut in on instinct, though he felt his chest tighten after he’d said it; his tone had been way too harsh, and besides, wasn’t he such a hypocrite for saying that? He’d thought about how pretty Mamoru was on plenty of occasions, whether it was intentional or not, so... he wasn’t exactly sure why hearing Kensuke saying it about Ryouta made him feel so much more frustrated, to the point where he felt sick to his stomach.

“A-Ah… I mean, I mean it in a nice way, like he’s so pretty it makes my heart skip a beat everytime! Not like, in a bad way you know? I’m not trying to say he’s too girly, or something… I just think he’s gorgeous, and I could stare at him forever… ah, maybe that is a little weird, now that I’m thinking about it…”

There was a long pause that Kouki didn’t dare try to fill, and eventually Kensuke deeply inhaled and laughed nervously. “Yeah, I’m sorry, forget I even s-said that, that’s so creepy, isn’t it? I’m gonna go, I’llseeyoulaterbye!”

The last of his farewell being squished into one flustered, jumbled mess, Kensuke hung up the phone before Kouki could even interject. There was a clicking noise as the call abruptly ended, though the blond left the phone at his ear for a few moments longer, simply flabbergasted at what had just happened. The shrillness of the long, monotone dial tone urged him, though, to place it back on the table, his hands shaking as he tried to position it just right to fall where it was meant to.

The rest of his breakfast left abandoned, Kouki stared at the leftovers sitting on his plate, a half-eaten bowl of rice with a mix of vegetables that now looked anything but appetizing to him. Why had that interaction left him feeling so terrible? Something about the way Kensuke was talking just left a weight at the bottom of his stomach, making him shudder uncomfortably as if a fever was claiming him.

Just as the frail boy moved to lay down, though, there was a knock at the door, snapping him out of his funk immediately. “A-Ah, come in!” The voice that came out from Kouki’s throat cracked upon trying to speak loud enough for his visitor to hear, which left him blushing in humiliation as Mamoru made his way into the room.

“E-Eh? You’re all red, is everything okay? You’re not sick, are you?!” The brunet rushed over to the side of the bed with a sense of urgency, which only made the blond feel more embarrassed over the situation. “I-I’m fine, really,” he mumbled sheepishly as Mamoru placed his palm on his forehead, brushing his bangs to the side with the utmost care.

“Mm… you’re a little hot, but… ah, you haven’t eaten all your food!” Fretting, the musician gazed concernedly at Kouki as he removed his hand away from his forehead, shifting impatiently. “Are you sure you’re not feeling ill?”

Offering the best smile he could manage in return, Kouki softly reassured the older boy, explaining how he’d simply received a phone call in the middle of eating, and hadn’t been able to finish his meal because of that. He found himself thankful that it was (mostly) the truth, because he’d never been very good with lying, and the last thing he wanted was to worry Mamoru with his lack of appetite.

“Oh, so that’s all! Well, I’m glad, then,” Mamoru visibly relaxed as he spoke, letting out a sigh of relief as he pulled a seat over to the side of the bed, just like always. The way his shoulders slumped as he turned had the blond glimpsing carefully, wanting to see the little ponytail poke out from behind; he quickly realized, however, that Mamoru didn’t have his hair pulled back today. Instead, it was pooled around the base of his neck in curly strands that framed his chin and the narrow edges of his face quite nicely, some longer strands even tracing along his broad shoulders.

“Your hair’s down today,” the blond commented matter-of-factly, staring as the other sat in the chair after positioning it just right. No matter what Mamoru did, he always looked so gorgeous, but each style managed to catch Kouki’s breath just as much as the previous… he tried to ignore the uneasiness that settled in his gut when he thought a little too hard about  _ why  _ he felt this way, deciding it didn’t matter right now.

“Eh?” As if he’d forgotten, Mamoru reached up to feel at the base of his neck, humming when he confirmed what the other had said. “Ah…. oh, yeah! I woke up a little later today, and I couldn’t find a hairtie, so I decided to style it down!!” He ran his hands through the dark mass of hair on his head as he spoke, seemingly coming up with an excuse on the spot that didn’t include him dashing out of bed to get here; his clothes seemed to tell that same story, the loose, light-blue t-shirt not at  _ all  _ matching his vivid orange shorts. It was endearing in its own way, though, to think that the musician looked like that because he had been in a rush just to make sure he got to the hospital in time for visiting hours.

When he untangled his hands from his head, Mamoru’s hair gracefully fell back into place, making a brief display of how voluminous it was; it looked so fluffy, especially when it wasn’t pulled back into that tiny ponytail, that Kouki couldn’t help wanting to feel for himself just how soft his hair was.

So he did exactly that, without thinking twice. Reaching forward, the blond placed his right hand on Mamoru’s head, and observed as the brunet went from pale to bright red within a matter of seconds, flushing from head to toe in surprise. He was silent at first as he glanced at the hand stroking down those fuschia locks of his, and then back at Kouki’s face, who had begun to blush a bit himself at the unexpectedly cute reaction he’d received.

“W-Wh...W…. K-Kou-kun…?!” Struggling to even form a sentence, Mamoru whined in embarrassment at the head pat. Kouki could swear that he felt the other lean into his touch, just a little bit, as if he wanted to be petted more. 

But then again, maybe it was just his imagination.

“Hehe. Sorry, I couldn’t help myself… it’s just as soft as it looks…” Speaking softly, he slowly retracted, that fuzzy, tingling feeling flooding through him once again. “And long, too. Are you growing it out? It’s so pretty…” His fingers grabbed onto the ends of one last lock of hair before he released his grip, pulling his hand all the way back; he wasn’t sure why he felt so satisfied at how embarrassed Mamoru was. It seemed like everything made him feel confused when he was with the teen, but in a way that left his skin red-hot on the inside, eyes sparkling excitedly like he wanted to know more of this foreign territory.

The tall brunet took a moment to recollect himself before answering, coughing into his hand briefly. “...Geez! You shouldn’t just do things like that, all of a s-sudden… But, mm…well, I’m not sure, but I’ll probably grow it out. I don’t get my haircut anymore, and I definitely would ruin it if I cut it myself, so…

“What about you, Kou-kun? Your hair is rather short, do they have someone here who helps cut it for you?”

Tensing at the subject, the younger boy moved his hand to feel at the base of his neck on instinct, bitterly remembering a time where he could actually feel hair there. “Ah,” he simply sighed at first, trying his best to find the right words. “My hair actually used to be quite long. No one here cuts it, but my mother… offered to cut it for me, and I decided to go with it.” It was almost laughable, how pathetically the words tumbled out of his mouth, clenching his jaw to fight back the urge to cry at those memories of when he was forced to get his haircut that day so many weeks ago.

“Oh… I see. Hmm, a long haired Kou-kun surely looked really cool… a-ah, not that you don’t look cool now, too! I-I just… mean… I mean, you always look really handsome, that I think you could pull any hairstyle off wonderfully…”

Blinking, Kouki felt his cheeks grow a bit warm at the compliment, glancing down at the hands he’d now placed in his lap, twiddling his fingers together. “That’s very sweet,” he murmured, a small smile on his face, “especially coming from someone as pretty as you…”

In his head, he could hear his own voice scolding Kensuke, harshly muttering that “pretty” was not a word that should be used for a boy, and he felt his stomach twist at it. Peeking up tentatively, the blond tried to see whether he’d upset Mamoru with that comment; instead, he met eyes with the musician, and felt overwhelmed by the emotion in those glittering eyes of his. Kouki found it impossible to read the gaze that stared him down so intensely, but it made his entire world stop.

“Do you really think I’m pretty…?” Mamoru asked, his voice no louder than a mumble. Panicking, Kouki raised his hands up, frantically waving his arms about. “I-I mean, I’m sorry if that was weird, I won’t say it again, I’m really sorry, I just--”

“Kou-kun,” the brunet interrupted calmly, the soft look in his eyes never fading. “It makes me really… really happy, if you think that, so don’t worry. It’s a b-bit embarrassing, but receiving any compliment from you is a treasure.”

“Eh? You’re… happy?” Kouki blinked, trying his best to process the fact that Mamoru was, indeed, not mad at him for what he’d said. It didn’t make sense, because he’d always been told as a kid that finding boys pretty was a sin; only girls were allowed to be attractive, and if Kouki thought anything else, then he needed to stop, immediately. That was something he’d been taught before he could even form those kinds of thoughts, and yet…

“Of course. I think Kou-kun is really... p-pretty, too…” Sheepishly, Mamoru finally looked away, as if that was the last straw for him to become embarrassed once again. Kouki wasn’t sure why a smile spread on his face so easily upon hearing those words, especially when he knew… he  _ knew  _ that he should be disgusted by being called that, and tell Mamoru to never do it again.

“Thank you,” he sighed, turning himself so that he didn’t have to twist his neck so much to properly look at his visitor, who was still happily seated by the bed. “Say, um… today, do you think…”   
  
“Mm? What is it, Kou-kun?”

Taking a deep breath, the patient clutched at the gown that loosely hugged his skin, trying to stop his heart from beating too loud. “Can you… sing some more for me? I… really would love to listen to your music.”

Eyes crinkling with happiness as he grinned, Mamoru nodded without missing a beat. As usual, Kouki felt blinded by his smile.

“Of course,” the brunet scooted his chair a little closer so that there was mere inches between him and the rails of the bed; there was a small screeching as the wooden legs skidded across the tiled flooring. 

“If you’ll listen, I’ll sing for you anytime you’d like, Kou-kun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in canon, kou and ken are only 4 cm apart, but i like to believe kouki was shorter as a kid and had kind of gradual growth (heh) while ken got a growth spurt the second puberty hit him. so that's why i decided to write them as having a bigger height gap. in the context of his chapter, kouki is 155cm and ken 168cm!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for underage drinking, mentions of alcoholism and abuse, heavy peer pressuring, homophobia... basically the whole package in this chapter
> 
> big oof

About a month passed, and things remained the same.

Kouki had to adjust his schedule a bit -- if you could even call having two whole people visiting you while you were cooped up in the hospital a schedule -- so that he could see Kensuke, now that exams were no longer stopping them from meeting, but nothing changed other than that. The blue-haired teen had been ecstatic when he’d heard the details of Kouki’s rendezvous, and was even more fascinated when he learned the patient had been seeing someone every day while the student had been busy.

“Wow, you sure replaced me fast -- I’m hurt, Kou…” Faking pain in his voice, the boy had dramatically swayed, splaying the back of his hand over his head as if pretending he was going to faint. Kouki had giggled, quickly assuring his friend that Mamoru was definitely not a replacement, and then… well, as embarrassing as it was, he’d then continued on to dump fact after fact about the mysterious teen, eyes twinkling with passion when he told Kensuke about how wonderful of a voice the singer had, how smart he was, how kind… he’d even proudly held up his arm to show off the bracelet that clung to his wrist, beaming as he explained that it was a present made just for him.

Kensuke was nice enough to nod along to the whole thing, even offering his own comments of awe and truly seeming enthusiastic about the things he had to say; the two had spoken for what felt like hours about Mamoru, and at the end of it all, his friend had insisted that one day, Kouki should introduce him. He’d agreed, a joyful smile on his face as he imagined a time where he could be with the two most important people in his life, smiling and laughing all together.

Even now, as the weeks passed with relatively normal conversation, Kouki felt so happy that he was able to spend so much time with the both of them in general. These days, he always had one or the other by his side, keeping him company, so he couldn’t say that he felt alone at all anymore; even during the times where he wasn’t allowed to have visitors, when he sat perched on his bed with nothing to do, Kouki didn’t fret. The leftover excitement from each day’s end lingered within him throughout the night, until the very moment he closed his eyes to go to sleep, always assuring him that things were alright -- flawless, even, to where he felt like nothing could possibly bring him down.

One day, though, things were very different; Kouki had no proof to back up this speculation, but he could feel something was off from the minute Kensuke walked into the room. The air was tense, suffocating, even, when his friend stared at him with a serious gaze that the patient rarely had the opportunity of seeing.

“K-Ken…?” Nervously, the blond cleared his throat after speaking up, turning so that he could face his ex-classmate head on. The first thing that the teen did was sit down, which really made Kouki worried; he was the type who could never sit still, so he’d always just stood around, or even paced around the room while the two of them chatted. He  _ never  _ sat down during their meetings, preferring to stay on his feet, so the fact that he was doing so now… probably meant that something was wrong.

“U-Um… hey, Kou… Listen, can I tell you something? Like, we’re friends right? You… you won’t judge me, right?”

Clearly hesitant, the blue-haired boy bit his lip as he awaited a response. It was unsettling, the way he threw so many questions at the other, because the Kensuke he knew was someone who would just speak his mind without needing so much reassurance beforehand.

“Of course, Ken. You can tell me anything. Are you okay?” 

For a moment there was no response at all; his ex-classmate looked like he was on the verge of throwing up, his hands folded over his gut and looking more pale than ever. Then, he sighed, and took in a deep breath, the sound of his inhale filling the small hospital room. 

“...Listen,” Kensuke finally tried again, but his voice came out small and weak, so he fell silent once more. Kouki simply waited patiently until the other was able to fully voice what he wanted to say, though he’d be lying if he said he was comfortable with the way the seconds ticked on and on.

“I… I’m dating Ryou.”

Well, if there was anything Kouki expected to hear, or any direction he’d thought this conversation might go, this certainly was the absolute furthest thing from his expectations; never in a million years would he have seen this coming. The confession left him frozen, unable to speak, but Kensuke quickly filled in the awkward gap in conversation.

“We started dating last week. I never… told you, because it’s been really hard, figuring this stuff out, but... I’ve been thinking for a while that I don’t have any sort of romantic interest in girls. I-I feel bad, ‘cuz plenty of girls from our class have asked me out this year, but I really couldn’t bring myself to go out with them… Like… sure, I could think that they were pretty enough, and that’s… that’s fine, but no matter how hard I tried, I had no emotional attachment -- I wasn’t interested.

“With Ryou, though, it was different. Mm… Honestly, maybe it was really obvious. You know, that I… l-liked him. He may be a bit bad with expressing himself, but I’ve always been able to tell what he’s thinking deep down, and we’ve always been by each other’s sides. It… made sense for us to be together, in my head, but I found myself thinking about it so much lately that I couldn’t take it… Um, well, I explained to him how I was feeling, and… he told me he wanted to be together, too… so… Yeah, we’re dating now. And I just thought… that it was only right, you know? That I tell you, because we’re best friends. And I don’t want there to be any secrets between us… this is kind of huge, at least for me it is, so… haha…”

Kouki felt like he’d forgotten everything about how to keep himself alive in that very moment, his breath never quite making it past his throat everytime he tried to gulp down air. His eyes were wide with surprise at the sudden confession from his friend, and it took an impossible amount of effort for him to try to twist his expression into something more neutral, knowing it would come off as a terrible reaction if he didn’t dial down his shock a bit.

“Oh,” was all the blond said at first, because he really couldn’t get anything out other than the fear and nausea flooding through his veins and urging him to ask what the hell was  _ wrong  _ with his friend, to beg him to take a hard look around him and reconsider. It took a few desperate half-breaths for him to get enough oxygen to his brain to come up with anything that didn’t sound disapproving, pushing down the panic overtaking him as best as he could.

“I see… Well, Kensuke, if you’re happy then... I’m glad for you. I… appreciate you telling me this.” 

A searing pain tore away at Kouki’s insides. He really wanted to mean these words he was saying with all his heart, so the fact that they were mostly forced made him feel absolutely disgusting; he wanted nothing more than to crawl out of his own skin and just…  _ disappear  _ for the way he truly felt about these facts coming to light, about the decisions Kensuke had made.

He didn’t want to feel like this about his best friend. 

Obviously, he had told Kouki this because he trusted him, and trusted in their friendship, so... it was awful of him to betray that trust by being so horrified at this new knowledge. Somewhere, deep inside, he subconsciously decided that perhaps this was something that would pass over, and they’d both laugh about it years later, so it was fine to look past it for now.   
  
All teenagers go through weird phases, right? 

The sick boy felt that he could put up with it for a while, if that was all it was, because he truly cared for his friend. A little discomfort was nothing he couldn’t deal with, right? So, he bundled up all the energy he had into playing the supportive role, offering a bright smile as he hugged the teen who was now very clearly shaking. 

“I’m sure it was hard,” he sighed as Kensuke clung to his shoulders with a vulnerability that the blond had never seen in the boy before; it even seemed like he might be crying, but with his face hidden, it wasn’t clear. “Thank you for confiding in me. You’re very brave, Ken.”

“K-Kou… Really, thank you. I was… I was so scared, that maybe you’d hate me, or something… I don’t even know how to tell my family this stuff, so you’re the first person I’ve told so far that I might be gay. I think they’d accept me just fine, but… but, I… I’m terrified, you know? I… I don’t want to let anyone down.”

“Your family is very nice,” Kouki murmured as he held Kensuke closer, wrapped his arms tighter around the trembling student. “I know they’ll be very supportive.” He wanted so badly to say more, to properly reassure his friend that everything would be okay, but he didn’t have the strength within him to do so. He really was a coward after all, wasn’t he?

“You’re right… y-you’re right, I know that… I don’t know what my life would be like if I grew up in some sort of strict household with homophobic parents, you know? Like, I shouldn’t be scared, because I’m not being watched by some religious freaks who would disown me for dating a boy, b-but…”

“That’s enough,” Kouki sighed, and a little bit of his frustration must have leaked into his voice, because Kensuke detached himself from the embrace they were sharing, that short moment of normalcy they’d had. Desperately trying to save his comment, the blond quickly continued, “everything will be fine. Don’t work yourself up so much over it, please.”

Nodding, Kensuke wiped at his eyes with the backs of his hands, turning away as he did so in a feeble attempt to hide the tears in them, the redness surrounding his eyelids. “...Yeah. Thanks, Kou... I’ll… try my best to tell my family soon, so… until then, can… can I be selfish and ask for you to keep supporting me, too?”

The smile that Kouki offered this time was a little forced, because he still couldn’t quite grasp everything enough to make himself be okay with it. It tore him apart that he wasn’t even sure that he could really give his friend the real support that he deserved in this sort of situation. “Of course, Ken,” he reassured, despite that sinking feeling in his chest, that voice that told him he wasn’t even remotely able to do so.

  
“Thank you. Um, so… I’m going to go if you’re okay with that, because the truth is, I actually asked Ryou to wait outside for me while I did this. I-I was… really, really nervous, ahah… a-and so, you know, I don’t want to leave him waiting for too long.”   
  
Kouki couldn’t help the way his lips pursed into a thin, straight line. Kensuke clicked his tongue when he noticed the sour expression on his face, his eyes darting about to avoid looking directly at the other again; neither of them spoke, and the awkward silence grew unbearable within seconds.

“Y-You know,” Kensuke blurted, desperate to save the deteriorating atmosphere, “I’ll have him come visit with me one of these times, since you guys haven’t seen each other since class. I just felt weird since he was kind of mean to you before. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable without knowing how you felt about this situation first, okay? So, I didn’t mean to make it sound like he doesn’t even care enough to visit, you know? Like, y-you know, I…”

“Ken, it’s fine. I understand, so you don’t need to defend him so much. Go out and have fun, okay?”

Kensuke let out an exasperated noise as he rose to his feet, still looking just as guilty. “I’m really sorry… I promise, he really does care, okay? So please, don’t hate him. He… he’s not that bad, he’s a good person. And… I also want you to know I’m not going to let my relationship get in the way of seeing you, despite what’s happening tonight -- I mean it. You’re a dear friend, and I want to support you as much as I can. So… take care, and I’ll see you again soon.”

And with that, the blue-haired teen quickly made his exit, leaving an air of general uncomfort in his room afterward. Releasing all of the pent up air that had trapped itself in his lungs, Kouki audibly sighed as he let his face fall into the palms of his hands. How could any of this happen? He really did care for Kensuke, but this entire situation put him on edge, made him feel like things were falling apart. He found it ironic that this wasn’t even his own issue -- who his friend decided to date had nothing to do with him! -- but yet, it took just as much of an emotional toll on him.

Frankly, he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to come to terms with his best friend being into boys when he’d been told all his life that being gay was a sin, something that Kouki should never be okay with or else he’d be punished for it accordingly. For nights on end, he laid awake pondering what he was meant to do; of course, he wanted to continue being friends with Kensuke, so he did his very best to hide his inner turmoil, tucking it away within the deepest parts of himself. 

But... acting normal was not as easy as he’d hoped, no matter how many times he tried to make excuses to himself to deal with the situation. Even more unfortunate was the fact that Kensuke was able to tell right away when things weren’t quite right with the way their relationship had shifted. Each meeting between the two felt tense, and conversation didn’t come as easily as before -- everything about their exchanges had become uncomfortable. 

Of course, Kensuke had an idea of why Kouki was being so much more stiff than usual, since the timing of it lined up neatly before his very eyes. It was obvious, and Kouki assumed that’s why Kensuke was being a little withdrawn in return, but he didn’t know how to go about apologizing for it, so he didn’t bring it up. Several weeks passed like this, where the both of them tiptoed around the issue, refusing to address the suffocating air that filled the already cramped room anytime his friend came to visit.

The issue didn’t interfere with how he interacted with Mamoru, luckily; in fact, Kouki had vented quite a bit to the brunet about the rockiness of their friendship, worried that things were going to fall apart any day now. He’d never felt comfortable enough to confess why him and Kensuke were in the middle of this rough patch in the first place, but the musician had been nothing but understanding as he listened to Kouki’s troubles, doing the utmost to comfort him through it all.

It still felt hopelessly miserable, though.

Kouki would be content when Mamoru was around, and always felt much better after speaking his worries aloud to the taller boy, but then he’d be alone again, left to succumb to these dark feelings again. So many sleepless nights were spent wondering what the right thing to do was, because he sure didn’t have the slightest clue anymore, and it was tearing him apart.

When his birthday rolled around, that late evening on May 22nd, Kensuke burst through the door with a silly grin on his face that didn’t look forced for the first time in weeks. Wrapped around his shoulders was a coat that seemed deft for winter, which caused Kouki to laugh a bit at the bizarreness of it all; the blue-haired teen was clearly sweating through it, and immediately started to peel it off upon entering with a relieved sigh. It was a little reassuring that on today, of all days, things felt a little more normal, the air a little more breathable. 

“Yo, Kou! Happy birthday!” The boy greeted, flashing a peace sign as he continued holding onto his coat instead of tossing it into one of the vacant chairs. “Today…”

Squatting down on the floor behind the bed and examining the insides of his coat, the student began to pull out a rather large bottle. “...I’ve brought you a little something, since it’s your special day! We have to be super,  _ suuuuper  _ careful though, ‘cuz if anyone here finds out, then, well… do you know what this is?” Kensuke blinked as he cradled the glass container in his arms, trying to show it enough for his friend to see, but not make it so obvious that he’d get himself in trouble if someone were to walk in; it was light green in color, but since it was glass, Kouki could see liquid sloshing around inside due to the movement.

“Of course I do,” Kouki spoke as the other teen popped off the cap of the bottle, though he didn’t sound happy about it in the slightest. The almost chemical-like smell hit the blond as soon as it touched the air, and his nose wrinkled as he tried to turn away a bit to breathe cleaner air that didn’t have traces of alcohol hanging in it, the heavy scent that sent him spiraling into memories of being beaten by his drunk father. 

Taking in an unsteady breath, the blond closed his eyes, unable to help himself from trembling just from the mere smell. It was taking every last bit of strength to stay calm, because his trauma was plaguing him, hovering just behind his eyelids and pressing until he could see little splotches of static in his eyesight. “...W-Why do you have that? Do you even realize how much trouble you could get in? I hate to break it to you if you don’t, but you could get kicked out of this place, or worse! Do you not even realize that?! Ken, please get that out of here. I-I… I don’t want anything bad to happen, please…”

His voice broke towards the end, and he tightly grabbed at his hospital gown, his heart beating so fast that he couldn’t even keep up. Kensuke simply gave a small laugh though, pouring a small cup of the substance out despite his friends panicked words. “I know, I know. Don’t worry so much, Kou! You gotta take risks every once in a while, y’know? So… just have one cup! Trust me, it’ll be fine! I managed to sneak it up here without getting caught, so I can sneak it down just as easily.”

He set the small cup of clear liquid where Kouki could reach it, and then poured himself a hefty amount. The patient felt sick to his stomach, and he honestly was terrified, unable to keep a hold of himself. If he didn’t calm down, the heart monitor would probably set off a warning to get a nurse in to check on him; on the other end, though, he felt like he was only stressing himself out even more by begging himself mentally to take deep breaths and stop panicking. 

Digging his nails into his arm, Kouki screwed his eyes tighter shut, unable to form a response to his friend’s insisting. He wished more than anything that he had the power to just say no outright, to explain that he didn’t feel even the slightest bit comfortable with a single sip of the substance, but he was too panicked to even speak. Kensuke simply frowned at the lack of a reply, knowing he hadn’t succeeded in convincing the teen.

“...It’s just… you’ve… been really distant, lately, Kou. We haven’t been able to talk like we used to, you know… and… I miss you. I miss you so much, Kou, it’s like you’re not even here when I come to see you. I… d-didn’t really know what to do, but... my mom always gets so giggly and happy whenever she drinks this stuff! So… so, you know, I thought maybe it would help you ease up a bit, and that we could just celebrate, just for tonight… I want to see you smile again. Will you please just have one cup with me? If you really hate it, we don’t have to continue -- promise.”

Lifting his hand to push the cup a little closer to Kouki, whose back was completely turned to the blue-haired boy now, Kensuke pleaded in a gentle, worried tone. The pain in his voice made the shorter boy’s stomach twist even more, and the pressure dug uncomfortably under his skin until he didn’t have it in him to fight back.

Just one drink would be fine, right?

Usually, when his father came in, he completely reeked of the stuff… He... Kouki wouldn’t become like that with one drink, would he? Or… or was that little amount enough to bring out that sort of behavior within him? Both sides made equally as much sense to his confused brain right now, and he didn’t know which to believe. 

“We won’t get caught. Pinky promise. This isn’t my first time doing things I’m not supposed to, you know!” Seemingly proud of the fact, Kensuke smirked as he tried to drive his point even further. A small laugh escaped the blond, despite the situation he was in, and the anxiety that was making it so hard to breathe. “I know,” he agreed, thoroughly amused. “You always got in trouble with Mr. Tsukishiro for pulling pranks in class... I suppose you’ve always been a bit of a rebel from the start, haven’t you?”

As he spoke, Kouki reached for the cup next to him with trembling fingers, shifting so that he could turn to face his friend; the boy’s eyes lit up when he saw the blond taking a hold of it, chuckling. “Guess so. So we’re… really doing this? Listen, I know that… I said what I said, but, if you really don’t want to…”

“Are you backing out now, after begging me like that?” Kouki asked, raising an eyebrow as he began to lift the plastic material to his lips despite the tiny voice in his head screaming at him to put it down and refuse before it was too late. “Didn’t peg you as the type.” 

Just the smell was enough to make him feel nauseous, especially in such close proximity, and it took everything he had to ignore those painful memories long enough to keep the liquid in front of his mouth. It was true that he didn’t want to do this, like, at  _ all _ , but… he had to trust Kensuke. He had to believe that everything would be okay, and that if anyone knew how to help him, it was his friend that he’d known for years.

“I am  **_not!_ ** Oh, you’re so on, if you’re gonna be like that. Come on, before you take a sip, you ever seen when, like... people do this?” The tall boy held his own cup out towards Kouki, but stopped when it was about halfway between them. “You hold out your cup like this, and we like… knock our cups together a bit, and we go ‘cheers!’ before we drink. I think it’s some sort of ritual, I dunno…”   
  
Laughing at the odd explanation, the patient shrugged his shoulders. “If you think we should do it, then let’s,” he agreed quietly, moving the cup away so that he could press it against Kensuke’s cup. “Cheers, Ken.”

“Mm! Cheers!” 

The both of them took a drink, though Kouki took a little longer to get the courage to do so, his mouth hovering for a few seconds above the clear liquid before he finally took a small sip; Kensuke, meanwhile, seemingly downed the whole cup in one big swig, tilting his head back. His Adam’s apple bobbed when he gulped, and then, almost immediately, the teenager began coughing, splaying his hands over his mouth.

“That tastes  **_awful!_ ** Oh man,” hacking mid sentence, Kensuke practically sprinted over to the faucet at the other side of the room, yanking forward the knob on the right side and pressing his mouth to the steady flow of cold water to slurp some down. “Why do people like this stuff!? Ugh, Kou, what do you think?”

Kouki giggled at the other’s chaotic actions, watching the way his expression twisted in disgust every few seconds at the way the alcohol’s taste remained lingering on his tongue even after washing it down with water. As for himself, he’d only taken a small sip, so he hadn’t gotten the taste full force like his friend, but still had to agree. “It certainly doesn’t taste very good,” he murmured. “But... shouldn’t that have been obvious from the start, with how it smells?”

Frowning, Kensuke placed his hands on his hips, clearly dissatisfied with the response he’d received. “Okay, Mr. Smarty Pants! Ugh, really, how are you not  _ gagging  _ right now! Drink the rest of that cup, then see if you can be sarcastic with me, Kou!”

“I’m not being sarcastic,” Kouki insisted with a laugh, still smiling despite the other’s accusations; it was clear they weren’t serious, but mere light-hearted comments. “Something that smells terrible would, naturally, taste bad, too... Are you really sure we should be drinking this in the first place?” He gazed down into the plastic cup; there was about three-quarters left now after the sip he’d just taken. He could see a bit of his reflection staring back up at him, judging him for what he’d done.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s fine! My mom drinks this stuff all the time, I just took an extra bottle that was lying around the house. So don’t worry, it’s totally okay!” 

“If you say so…” Kouki sighed, admitting defeat as he lifted his drink up once again; this time, when he felt the liquid glide across his tastebuds, he was prepared for the strong taste and managed to keep a more neutral expression as he gulped it down, shuddering. The liquid burned as it slid down his throat, coating his esophagus in a most unpleasant way that left him coughing a few times once he’d finally hit the bottom of the cup.

“...T-There. Happy now?”

“You can’t be serious.” Incredulous, Kensuke stuck out his bottom lip in a pout at how his friend still remained cool and collected, just like always. He knew that it would be foolish to wonder whether or not the patient was fazed by  _ anything  _ after the hardships they had faced together, but it still shocked him how much the blond was able to handle; he really was on a whole other level, that Kouki. “How can you even keep a straight face right now? That’s it, I’m trying again!” Pacing back over to where he’d left his coat on the floor, the visitor refilled his cup with more alcohol, the soft pitter-patter of water flowing out of the bottle echoing a bit in the cramped room.

“Ken, don’t push yourself,” Kouki warned, frowning at the other’s determined gaze. “I really do agree with you that it tastes quite unpleasant. So, you don’t have to prove anything, okay? We can stop.” Despite his words though, his friend quickly began chugging down his second cup, screwing his eyes shut as he downed the substance as quickly as possible. Gasping out as he finished, Kensuke slammed the cup down, announcing his victory. “It’s okay, it’s alright! This is nothing. Hey, Kou, do you want another cup? I mean, if we’re  **_really_ ** gonna celebrate, we should go all out, right…?”   
  
The blond felt a sharp pang when he realized his ex-classmate had immediately forgotten his promise that they didn’t have to continue any further. He wondered to himself, in what part was this supposed to be a celebration? This wasn’t fun at all. He was being pressured into drinking, and he really wasn’t sure how much further he could go before he’d start psyching himself into that fear that he was going to turn violent, an entire breakdown tingling at his fingertips and working its way up.

Why couldn’t he say no…? Maybe he should have been more clear, by saying he  _ wanted  _ them to stop, rather than simply putting the suggestion on the table and leaving it there, but… Really, what was so wrong with him that he couldn’t just tell Kensuke that he was uncomfortable, and leave it at that? 

He knew, of course, that it was because of the life he’d lived until now, but the questions still remained in his mind, haunting him. Even though it wasn’t his fault, and he logically knew that, he decided in the back of his mind that it absolutely was his fault for being so broken inside that he couldn’t even stand up for himself anymore. He should have been stronger, he shouldn’t have let his family turn him into this… this… well, what even  _ was _ he? There were too many slews of insults that Kouki felt about himself that he couldn’t even settle on one that fit him best.

“Yeah. I suppose so,” he finally managed to reluctantly agree, voice faint as he forced the words out upon deciding it was too much of a bother to try to express how much he didn’t want to do this. If he was so broken, then what was the use in even fighting back anymore? At that point, he felt that he might as well throw all caution out the window and give up on thinking for himself -- what a funny thought to have on your own birthday, right?

As soon as he’d drunk the second cup, he defeatedly asked for a third, sounding almost robotic in his request. Kensuke was concerned at the sudden change of pace, at that dim light in those pale eyes of his, but ultimately decided that maybe Kouki would open up a bit more about what was wrong once he’d had enough to drink. The more alcohol they had, the more hope they both began to have about the state of their friendship as their back and forths turned into neverending chatter; they mumbled to each other about serious topics, silly topics, and everything in between. 

It was like everything was normal again, except now, five shots of hard liquor were painting Kouki’s insides, soaking into his flesh and making him feel like he was flying. The fifth drink had the two teenagers coughing and complaining just as much as the first one, but the rancid taste and bitter feeling it left in their mouths didn’t really matter too much anymore. What really mattered was that fuzzy, floating feeling that had Kouki staring up at the ceiling and watching it move back and forth. It was a subtle movement, but it was definitely moving -- that’s what he mumbled to Kensuke as he laughed at the observation, and then immediately asked for another refill in his cup.

“U-Um, I know I was the one who… uh, suggested we go all out, or whatever, but I think we should stop drinking now, Kou. You’re not looking so good…” Concerned, Kensuke pushed his piled up coat a little further away from the hospital bed when the blond tried to swoop his arm down to grab the bottle himself. It wasn’t until now that the blue-haired boy thought that maybe,  _ just maybe _ , this hadn’t been his brightest idea.

“Eh…? I’m perfectly fine, Ken, I can handle more...C’mon...” Waving his arms about without any real sense of direction, Kouki giggled at the prospect of him not looking good. Sure, he felt like his entire body had become fifty pounds heavier, every movement of his limbs so much more difficult than before, but that didn’t even compare to the airborne feeling that filled him to the brim, canceling out that extra weight. How could he look bad when he felt this free, with not a single worry? 

_ Besides, _ he wanted so desperately to say out loud but couldn’t remember how to form the words on his tongue,  _ wasn’t this what you asked for? _

“Well, you think that, but you’re already drunk. Listen to me, dude, in what world am  _ I _ the one trying to logic things out for  _ you _ ?! Shit’s scary, Kou!” With a boisterous laugh, Ken carefully tucked the bottle, now closed, back into the depths of his coat, hiding it from sight for good. Kouki simply whined at being denied this medicine that worked way better than whatever the hell his nurses had been pumping through his body all these years. None of his problems mattered at this point, or rather, his brain wasn’t even capable of thinking of those issues that constantly cycled through his head on loop when he was sober. 

Life was absolutely fantastic right now, compared to the miserable hell he’d been going through for weeks.

“You shouldn’t worry so much,” the blond cooed, glancing at Kensuke with glittering blue eyes; though, his stare seemed glazed over, like he wasn’t  _ actually  _ looking at him, but just happened to be turned in his general direction. He giggled, then, and took a glance down at his left arm at the IV still poked into his skin, which at least told the other teen that he was aware enough of his surroundings to actually understand where he was looking. 

“No, no, I really should,” Kensuke insisted, his lips pursing. “I feel like you’re gonna get yourself killed if I  _ don’t  _ worry, somehow… Ugh, you’re so lucky that thing is keeping you hydrated, I feel like my head's g’nna explode…”

The backs and forths they had made Kouki feel so happy, absolutely filled to the brim with glee at how he was able to act like nothing had even happened between them. Some voice deep inside him reminded him that this wasn’t right, and running away was just like him, a complete coward… but he ignored it. He pushed the thought away with all his might, because right now, what mattered was how content he felt, that tingling, calming feeling tickling his nerves and making him giggle. He was so glad to be able to forget his worries for a night...

Except, if there was anything he’d learned by now, it was that these peaceful times never lasted long. He had wondered often if maybe he was cursed, honestly, because at any point where things started to go well for him, they always fell through the floor moments later.

This was no exception.

All it took was a slip of something he’d been wondering for weeks to start it all, a thoughtless question that Kouki had wanted to avoid as long as possible, but couldn’t even think twice before it came out of his mouth without warning. “Hey, hey, Ken… you haven’t mentioned Ryou in awhile. You didn’t, like.. break up?” The last question was like a prayer, asking in the hopes that maybe his friend would say that yes, he’d realized how silly it all was and moved on; he felt disgusting for secretly wanting such a terrible thing to happen just so he could be content. How utterly selfish of him.

“N-No, no, of course not! You wound me, Kou…” 

Kensuke laughed as he shifted in the seat that he’d finally dragged over to the side of the bed, having decided his legs were too wobbly to stand on without falling on his backside. When he’d tried to grab onto the chair closest to them, Kouki had demanded that he not take that one, but the one in the middle instead; his voice had been firm, and it was a little shocking to Kensuke that he was so worked up over a mere chair. His mild confusion faded, though, when the blond sheepishly explained that the closest chair was the one Mamoru always sat in, so it was special to him. He’d flushed even more red than the alcohol had already made his face as he admitted it, pressing the tips of his fingers together; Kensuke thought it was endearing that it seemed Kouki had found someone to care for as much as he cared for Ryouta.

“Ryou and I are doing really well, actually. It makes me happy that you asked,” the blue-haired teen was restless in his chair as he spoke, his eyes seeming to light up at the opportunity to talk about this subject, “‘cuz, you know… I worried maybe you didn’t want to hear about it, which I totally get, so I didn’t bring it up. I didn’t wanna make you upset, but like… yeah.” 

Taking a deep breath, Kensuke smiled. He seemed to be fondly remembering something, his eyes distant for a moment as he allowed himself to be absorbed by his memories. “...Basically, like… um, this ‘s embarrassing, you know… but you’re my friend so I-I wanna tell you… um.”

His words grew slurred together as he tried to make his brain work hard enough to spit out what he was trying to say; sure, he was pretty tipsy, but he wasn’t nearly as drunk as Kouki, so… in the end, he still felt nervous about saying this. He kind of wished he’d had a bit more to drink, so that it would be easier, but he didn’t think it was fair of him to do that when he’d denied Kouki any more alcohol.

“We… um… I-I just recently had my first kiss, with him, you see. I didn’t really know how to bring it--”

“You kissed him?”

Before Kensuke could even finish speaking, Kouki cut in with a sense of urgency to his voice, that silly lopsided look instantly fading from his face. It took all of his focus just to keep himself grounded enough to understand what was going on, because suddenly it felt like his entire world was spinning, and not in the fun, relaxing way it had been doing so until now.

“Y-Yeah.” 

Cheeks flushing in embarrassment, Kensuke refused to look up as he confirmed the fact; the blond leaned in closer, hanging on every word spoken like it was his lifeline. “W-We were… watching a movie together, and--”

“You kissed Ryou.” 

This time, it was a statement, and not a question, but Kouki still sounded just as confused as before, his eyebrows furrowing. It was as if saying it out loud enough times would help him understand what he was being told, but sadly it didn’t make any more sense than the first time he’d asked.

Kensuke seemed to catch on to the fact that Kouki wasn’t happy with hearing this, and his eager expression fell into a gloomy one, looking away from his friend. “Y-Yeah… I did. I-I thought… you might want to know. And, like, I know we’re both still young and all, but… I really love him, so I was... truly happy when it happened. I don’t regret it.”

_ Why? _

All of the alcohol in Kouki’s stomach began trying to retrace its steps, scurrying up his digestive system until he could feel his chest aching with heartburn. His fingertips vibrated with frustration until his hands, too, were shaking. He didn’t understand anything he was being told, and it wasn’t just the fault of the alcohol he’d consumed. “You… really do love him, Ken? You’re being serious, right? This isn’t a joke?”

Kensuke quickly grew uncomfortable with the response, moving a few inches back and fidgeting in his seat. The tension between them began to boil over, and both parties grew more panicked with the second, realizing that everything was falling apart all over again. 

“Why… would I joke about that, Kou? You…  _ do _ understand what I’m saying, right?”

Kouki tensed. His hands curled up into fists on his lap, then relaxed, only to clench even tighter seconds later; he couldn’t stop the rush of anger that began racing through his veins, and that was terrifying. “Can you  _ stop  _ throwing questions back at me?! God, I thought you two were just fooling around, but it’s really so serious that you’d-- you’d k… you’re gonna sit here and tell me you’re  _ in love _ with him? Ken, he’s a  _ guy _ , you know!”

“Ah… So that’s what this is about, after all.”

Sounding almost defeated, Kensuke turned his back to his friend, hiding the tears that began welling up in his eyes as he spoke, no matter how hard he tried to hold them back. Kouki felt his entire body tremble with the effects of the alcohol and rage flaring up inside of him, taking in shallow breaths that didn’t even make it past his throat. Once he tried to respond, he couldn’t find the words, so he simply waited in the terrifying silence that hung over them.

“...Was it all a lie, then? Were you… were you just pretending to care when I opened up my whole heart to you, and told you my biggest secret? You’re sick. Why would you--”

“ **_I’m_ ** sick?” Kouki scoffed, cutting the teen short before he could finish; somewhere in the back of his mind, he panicked, unable to even  _ think  _ the words that were coming out of his mouth until they were already being said. “Give me a break! I’m not the one deluding himself into thinking it’s okay to date a man! I tried so hard to support you, because I thought this was some silly phase, that you’d come to your senses after a few weeks! But no, you’re… God, I… fuck,” the blond cursed, rubbing his temples as he tried to make sense of everything, tried to stop himself from losing control over this sickening feeling.

“How  **_dare_ ** you? If you really thought I was so fucked up when I told you about my feelings that day, you should have told me upfront! Why did you even waste your time making me think you cared? So you could feel better about yourself, all wrapped up in your little world of denial? Hah, I hope it feels fucking fantastic then, Kouki.”

Kensuke staggered for a moment when he stood up, struggling to gain his balance, and then scooped up his coat from the ground, turning towards the door. The blond’s eyes widened when he processed that the other was about to walk out, and he needed to say something fast if he wanted to salvage this situation. “W-Wait, Ken… That’s… that’s not--”

“Keep your fucking mouth shut!” Kensuke screamed, and Kouki felt his world shatter into tiny little pieces at the venom coating those words, the flame of anger and hatred clearly displayed in those teary eyes when he glared at the boy he once would have called his best friend. “I don’t want to hear it. You’re… you’re the  **_worst_ ** , Kouki. I’m leaving.”

And with that, the tall boy stormed out, slamming the door shut behind him to signal his exit.

Immediately after the other had left, Kouki began to cry, himself, burying his face into his knees and sobbing harder than he could ever remember doing in his whole life. His entire body trembled as he filled the empty room with the sounds of his misery, curling in on himself.

The blond knew… he knew he’d messed up, this time, because he’d never seen that face on his friend before. Not even when they’d spent hours venting to each other, and Kensuke would angrily spit out how much he hated something that was happening. That twisted expression filled with hurt and betrayal refused to fade from Kouki’s mind, reminding him that somehow, he’d ruined things so badly that Kensuke -- the super cheerful, energetic Kensuke who always went with the flow so happily -- had  _ screamed  _ at him. He’d yelled with such animosity in his voice, those big, wet, eyes staring at him with hate and frustration as he’d cried, stomping out of the hospital room.

Kouki had caused that, all because he couldn’t sort his feelings out well enough to calmly talk it out; he had been so scared that he’d been running away from how he felt all these weeks, and now...

How like him, to destroy one of the only two friendships he had in life. 

Miserable, Kouki cried pathetically, bawling all of his frustrations out until he finally got so exhausted from it all that he passed out cold, the walls closing in on him when his eyelids fell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ken, an known idiot: what if i gave my deathly sick friend who is in the hospital alcohol? thats an epic birthday present right


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm posting this immediately after writing it because i feel bad that i've gone days without posting;;;!! so im sorry if its not very well written or has mistakes, i haven't had time to edit it. i will go back and work on it as soon as i have the other chapters written tbh u_u
> 
> warnings for descriptions of violence in this chapter, and some homophobia

Kouki felt like his head was splitting in half the next morning, making it near impossible for him to even open his eyes when he became conscious. A groan passed his lips, and he nestled himself up further into the thin blankets covering his body, trying to escape the tiles of light stretched out on the ceiling above him, shrouding himself in as much darkness as he could. Even as he burrowed himself deeper, it still felt like the light seeping through the tiny holes in the fabric was taunting him, so Kouki couldn’t manage to simply fall back asleep like he wanted to. 

  
He’d thought that maybe if he just slept a little longer, he’d wake back up to find it was all some dream and laugh. He knew better than to truly believe that, of course, but… sometimes, it was nice to pretend that he could escape reality just for a little while. But with the pain shooting through his skull in waves, Kouki remained horribly aware of his surroundings, the last conversation he’d had with Kensuke looping through his mind like a broken old record. It was a team effort between his body and his brain to haunt him, shoving the situation in his face every time he tried to turn away.

He really messed up this time, didn’t he?

Some bits and pieces of who said what were nothing but blurs in the back of his mind, but one thing was obvious; he’d completely burned the bridge of friendship between them, the sturdy link that he would have thought was indestructible before all of this mess took place. He almost couldn’t believe the faded memories burned into the backs of his eyelids, but those vivid images of Kensuke glaring back at him, tears filling his eyes… there was no way it was a fabrication of his imagination.

Sighing, Kouki finally emerged from the safety of his sheets, squeezing his eyes shut tight before squinting them open, embracing the morning despite how much he wanted to ignore its presence. He decided that he couldn’t leave things like this, as much as he wanted to run away, to take cover and just pretend nothing had ever happened; deep down, he was well aware that he could never live with himself if he turned away from what he needed to do.

Slowly but surely, Kouki tried to adjust to the lights above him that felt as bright as the sun itself. He’d planned to contact Kensuke immediately, but… his head throbbed in protest to him sitting up, causing him to tangle his hands in his hair, pulling at blond locks of hair to provide a distraction from the pain as he waited for the intensity to subside. “Why did I even agree to drink,” he moaned, running his hands down his face and taking in a deep breath, allowing himself a few extra minutes to collect himself.

Everything had turned out like this all because he was such a coward. If he’d simply stood his ground, and explained why he didn’t want to partake in those sorts of activities with Kensuke… surely this entire situation could have been avoided. It hurt to think like that, but it really was true; everything up until now was his fault, it was his fault for not being strong enough.

“Whatever,” Kouki bit the inside of his cheek as he tried to keep the pain at a withstandable level, leaning over to grab onto the phone. His fingers shook with every press of a number, gradually dialing out his classmate’s number; he hesitated, his heart in his throat as he tried to get the courage to finally put the call through.

He needed to do this.

Holding his breath, Kouki slammed the call button, and screwed his eyes shut as he waited for what felt like an eternity, each ring making him feel less and less like he was even capable of going through with this. Maybe he should just hang up, after all, and--

“...Kou.”  
  


Kensuke’s voice sounded tired -- empty, even -- when he spoke the other’s name, and Kouki panicked a little. It had been silly of him to expect an enthusiastic greeting after everything he said, but it still made him feel so horrible, knowing how upset his friend was. “...Kensuke,” he murmured, his heart twisting and aching, head swimming with pain and misery. 

“Ken… Ken, listen, I… I’m really sorry for last night. Can… can we talk? Please?”

For a long moment, the other line was silent as the teen considered the request at hand; another pang hit Kouki at how long this moment of uncertainty lasted, since the other’s hesitation made it clear how much he didn’t want to speak to the blond right now. Which was fair, of course, but… it still hurt, so, so much. Kouki wished so badly that he could just take back everything he said, to start over and make things right.

But he couldn’t, so his only chance was to try to make amends now, he supposed.

“Yeah, fine,” Kensuke finally sighed, and fell quiet. It seemed like that was all he had to say, but when Kouki opened his mouth to speak his mind, he was cut off before he could even get a word out. “...I’m sorry, too! I-I mean… I shouldn’t have... made you drink, I know you weren’t very comfortable. But it was the only way I could get you to open up to me,” he explained quietly, “I-I guess… I was just desperate to find out what was going on. Sorry.”

Kouki really missed that carefree, energetic tone of his. Hearing such a dismal response from the boy he knew was supposed to be so bubbly, and had sounded so enthusiastic on all of their phone calls before… it was heart wrenching. He supposed he was thankful, at least, that he couldn’t see the other’s face right now, because those pain-filled expressions from last night that continued flooding his hazy memories were too much for him to bear.

“...Don’t apologize. I should have stood my ground in the first place. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Mm… it’s just… Like, if not for being drunk, would you ever even have talked to me about anything? Why wouldn’t you just admit that you weren’t comfortable with… with my lifestyle, or whatever you even want to call it,” the younger teen sighed, and there were sounds of him shifting on the other line. “I thought that I could trust you. I… I _wanted_ to trust you, because I didn’t even know who else I could turn to! So… so, for you to say those things to me… I don’t even know what to think.”

Pondering over what would be okay to say, Kouki gnawed on his lower lip. He really wasn’t sure how to get a proper apology across without making this whole conversation about himself; he wanted to explain why he felt the way he did, why he’d freaked out so badly, but how? Where would he even start?

“...I know. I know, and… and if you hate me, I really get it… I said such terrible things, and I know I can never take them back. But I want you to know that I… I never _wanted_ to say those things to you… I can’t deny that I judged you rather harshly when you opened up to me, but I never wanted to let those feelings become something that got in the way of our friendship. You’re… you’re my best friend, and I wanted nothing more than to support you wholeheartedly -- I still feel this way, but…”

“See, that’s the problem, Kou. There’s always a ‘but,’ isn’t there?”

Frustrated, the blond clutched onto the phone a little tighter, his knuckles painted white with the effort. “I just can’t wrap my head around it, as much as I wish I could,” Kouki murmured, closing his eyes. “Ken, I… I don’t want to think these types of things, or feel this way -- it makes me feel disgusting. I never would hate someone for who they choose to love, or what they want to do in life, and it hurts that I did something that… that would imply the exact opposite.”

“No, Kou, I know that already. I… I know you well enough to be able to tell that something is off, here, that you’d never truly… hate me for being gay. That’s why, I just want you to _trust me_ … Stop pretending like ignoring the issue is going to make it go away, please... What you said to me hurt, really badly -- can’t you just take responsibility for that and tell me what’s really going on?”

It was funny, because Kouki always had this inner fear that told him he _couldn’t_ say anything, that he wasn’t allowed. Sometimes, especially when he’d been living at home, he toyed with the idea of telling someone that he’d been abused, that his family was shaping him into a person he never wanted to be, but… he felt like there were eyes on him at all times, even now. It was like someone would know, someone would hear the instant he tried to cry out for help, and he’d be punished for it.

He knew it was ridiculous, that there was no way something like that was going to happen, because frankly his parents had much better things to do than pay any attention to what their child was doing anymore. They’d stopped caring so many years ago, and their eyes had been focused elsewhere as long as he could remember, so it was a little easier now to laugh off the thought -- just a little. Not much, because when Kouki took a deep breath to try to shed some light on his situation, his chest tightened with his escalating nerves, making it hard to speak. He tried several times, but his voice simply wouldn’t come out, and he began to tremble with fear. He supposed it was impossible, after all, but...

“...Can I ask you to come here? I-I… Sorry, I know you’re mad, so if it’s too much to ask, that’s fine. I just… don’t feel safe talking on the phone about this. I-I think… I think in person, I might be able to.”

There was another pause, and the patient half expected to be rejected, because he knew very well that his request was a bit much. However, Kouki found himself very lucky that perhaps their friendship hadn’t been totally destroyed in the flames, after all.

“Of course I’ll come. Listen, right now… sure, what happened last night really hurt, but… I don’t want you to think I’m not here for you. Hell, you’ve got it way worse than I do, so… haha, really, I’ll be fine. We’ll get through this, ‘kay? I’ll be down there soon.”

“Eh? Don’t you need to eat lunch first?” 

One of the biggest rituals in the Yaegashi family was eating together, since they were all so close-knit. Honestly, maybe the fact that they shared meals was why they shared such strong bonds… but regardless, this was a fact Kouki had learned very quickly, so it made him a little confused that he’d received such an instant promise.

“O-Oi, wait…” 

Kensuke burst into laughter, struggling to even continue his sentence between snickers. The blond didn’t understand what was so funny, feeling incredibly confused as he waited for some sort of coherent explanation; though, he had to admit the other’s laughter was a bit contagious, making the tiniest of smiles spread across this face.

“Please, aha… don’t tell me you just woke up. Did you?”

Raising an eyebrow, Kouki nodded slowly, trying to make sense of the question. “Well, yeah… I woke up around thirty minutes ago, I think,” he recalled the time he’d spent attempting to force himself back to sleep, lazing around in bed for what had felt like hours, but… he was sure it hadn’t been that long, maybe twenty minutes at the longest.

“K-Kou,” Kensuke choked out the other’s name between chuckles, almost in a chiding way, “it’s two thirty. Like, pm.” The words shot a jolt down Kouki’s spine, pale blue eyes widening in shock as he shot his gaze towards the clock on the wall; sure enough, the hands on the clock pointed at just a few minutes ahead of half past two in the afternoon. He made a noise of pure shock, blinking rapidly in an attempt to get the sight before him to change. “N-No way…”

“Oh man, this is too good…  _ The _ Etou Kouki, waking up hours past noon?! You must have been really hungover,” the blue-haired teen continued laughing, making the tips of Kouki’s ears burn red in embarrassment at the teasing comment. He’d thought maybe it was eleven, at the latest, but… for him to have slept this late…

He couldn’t even offer a response at first, simply frowning as his blush spread like wildfire to the rest of his face, wondering just how this morning must have gone over; surely his nurse would have tried to come in and give him breakfast, and then lunch, a-and....

“That’s so humiliating,” he groaned, but he let out a small laugh along with his friend. “S-So then, I guess... are you coming over now, then?” Desperately changing the subject, Kouki tried to steer the conversation away from how late he’d slept in without even realizing, fearing he might overheat at this rate if they kept talking about it. Really, he just hoped that no one had tried to wake him up, and he’d just refused to open his eyes, or something...

It especially made him a bit nervous that he was in a situation where he could have been tested in his sleep. What if his nurse had thought he was falling into critical condition, or something, and tried to see what was wrong with his body? Would it have been obvious that he’d consumed any alcohol…? He honestly didn’t know, but he hoped not, for both his and Kensuke’s sake…

“Haha, yeah. I’ll head your way now -- try not to fall asleep!”

“K-Ken!” Pouting at the teasing comment, Kouki tried to think of a comeback, but the phone clicked, ending the call before he could make any sort of refute. Sighing, he took a few minutes to calm himself down, then promptly began gulping down the cup of water that had been left on his tray, his thirst hitting him like a pile of bricks now that he was fully awake.

He started to rehearse in the back of his mind, forming the details of what exactly he wanted to say to Kensuke since he didn’t quite trust himself to speak properly if he just left it up to his natural conversation skills. Even to Mamoru, Kouki had never opened up about his home situation, or what kind of past he’d had until now, because it felt like a forbidden topic. On top of that, he worried that people would look at him differently upon learning the kinds of things that went on in his personal life… just like he’d so horribly feared his classmates finding out he was sick, all those years ago… he really didn’t want to be pitied. 

At this point, though, he probably owed Kensuke the explanation of what was going on behind the scenes; it was the least he could do, after all the years they’d known each other, and especially after what had transpired last night. Now was the best time to confess why he acted the way he did, and… well, it made sense to start with the most relevant situation, and work his way deeper from there as time went on, so… 

With that in mind, he spent the next fifteen minutes or so trying to decide how to start when the door suddenly flew open, a loud thud resounding in the hallway as Kensuke made his usual brash entrance; he never knocked, only yanked the sliding door so hard that it always made the blond wonder if it would fly off its hinges. 

“Yo!” The blue-haired teen waved nonchalantly, letting himself into the room and closing the door behind him. “...Woah, you look absolutely terrible,” he commented the second his eyes landed on the blond, whistling as if impressed by this fact. “Gee, thank you, Ken,” Kouki laughed, rubbing at his eyes as if it would make the dark circles underneath them magically vanish. He hadn’t even glanced in the mirror yet this morning -- afternoon, he reminded himself, not morning -- but he had figured he looked just as bad as he felt.

“Haha, sorry, you know I’m just playing.”

“I do,” Kouki agreed with a small smile, though his stomach twisted into knots as he noted how superficial every interaction between them felt; it made sense, of course, considering how nasty their fight had been, but… it didn’t make what the blond needed to do any easier, that was for sure. His nerves only amplified tenfold upon the way Kensuke’s smile fell quickly upon the end of their brief conversation, silently taking a seat next to him.

“Ken, I’m really sorry--”

“Don’t. Kou, I don’t want you to apologize anymore, okay? I know,” the taller boy sighed as he tried his best to relax against the back of the chair, leaning against the wooden surface. “I already know you’re sorry, so… stop. That’s not what I came here to hear, and we both know that.”

Gritting his teeth, Kouki nodded, and another apology was already on his lips before he could stop it. “Okay… I’m s-... I-I mean…” Fidgeting uncomfortably, it took all of his effort not to let the phrase come out again. All his life, the best he’d been able to do was apologize, so it was only natural that he wanted to do so in every situation; he’d always felt this way, wondered whether if he said he was sorry enough times, that maybe he’d stop getting such cold glares from his parents, such painful strikes from his father.

Apologizing was his only defense mechanism, it felt like, to keep himself from getting hurt too badly, to put some sort of shell around himself.

Luckily, though, Kensuke let out a tiny laugh at the other’s struggle to say something different, easing the tension that was like boiling water about to spill over the edges of a pot. “Hey, I’m not _mad_ that you’re apologizing, just… Tell me what’s going on, okay? I’m here, I’m listening.”

Kouki nodded again. He took in a deep breath, and closed his eyes. But… he couldn’t get the words to come out, no matter how hard he tried; it felt like someone had stuffed a dozen feathers down his throat. His voice got stuck, refusing to form the words on his lips.

“I-It… it’s really… okay, right?” 

Kensuke felt his heart drop at how frail his friend sounded when he asked, and the clear fear glittering in those blue eyes of his. “Of course,” he exhaled, gazing at the patient perched on the bed with concern. “Listen, if… if you really don’t think you can say it, even here, then I don’t want to force you, maybe you can write it down--”

“Remember when you came out to me, and you said you were lucky that you weren’t from a family of ‘religious freaks?’” 

Kouki finally managed to get the words out, biting the inside of his cheek as soon as they’d been said. He knew that if he couldn’t say it here, now, to his best friend, after everything that’s happened… he’d never forgive himself. Writing it down? That was such a cowardly way of having this conversation. It wasn’t fair… it wouldn’t be fair to do that, after all the pain he put Kensuke through.

“Eh…? U-Um, yeah, I remember.”

“That’s the kind of family I’m from,” the blond laughed a little, a sound of nerves and bitterness, and the pieces began to come together with just that short statement. Kensuke’s eyes widened, but it was clear that wasn’t all there was to say, so he waited in silence for his friend to continue.

“I… grew up in a family where everything I did was monitored. Once it was clear I would be in the hospital, they stopped caring, since I was basically useless to them by that point, but… those years I was going to school were absolute torture, you know? I…”

Something warm and wet splashed onto Kouki’s hospital gown. 

In surprise, the blond reached up to his face, tracing his fingers along his cheeks, to find that his skin was wet, too. It took a long moment for him to connect the dots, to realize that he’d started crying; though, once he put it together, he only started crying harder, curling his hands into fists against his now closed eyes. “S...hrk, I-I’m sorry,” he gasped out another apology, and the room went silent for a moment, the only sound being that of Kouki’s short, staccato inhales for breath as panic settled in.

Kensuke leaned forward and wrapped his arms around the blond, gritting his teeth. “Take your time,” he soothed, running the palms of his hands up and down Kouki’s back in an attempt to calm him down. “I’m right here... It’s okay. It’s okay to cry, Kou.”

The statement seemed to drag even harder sobs from the hospital patient, and he clung to Kensuke’s back like his life depended on it, as if he would vanish into thin air if he let go for even a second. He felt so pathetic for crying when he’d barely even gotten into the story, hardly managed to scrape the surface of what he needed to say.

“M-My mother… always told me that boys don’t cry,” he choked out against Kensuke’s shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut because he was scared if he opened them he’d find his family watching him snitch about his private life, judging him. “When… when my father would hit me, and I’d cry, b-because it hurt, he’d just hit me harder… Usually, I’d be hit until I blacked out, but then it wouldn’t… stop…a-and…” 

Kouki’s words began to slur together, and in his trauma-induced panic, he started speaking faster and faster until his words were barely intelligible. Kensuke did his best to pick up what he could, though, nodding through it as he held his friend close to his chest; hearing these things made his chest ache with a pain he’d never known before, and he felt disgusted by all of these facts coming to light.

“No matter… no-- no matter what I did, I was hit, and no matter what I did, I didn’t deserve any praise. I tried so… so hard, to do everything I was told and more, but it was n-never enough. I’ve never been enough,” the older boy sobbed, his entire body trembling in the other’s arms. Honestly, he felt as if he might be sick, but he didn’t want to let go.  
  


He was so scared, but the words wouldn’t stop now, the opposite of how he’d had to force them to start coming out in the beginning.

“I-I’d…. gghh… My father would come in, reeking of alcohol, and just beat me until I couldn’t… move… anymore, and, and… and…”

Kensuke felt the whole world stop for a moment, all of his muscles freezing. If Kouki continued to speak, then, well… he didn’t hear anything but the blood rushing past his eardrums, his own pulse deafening him upon hearing such things from his friend and realizing what those words meant. “Kou,” he exhaled, his fingers shaking against Kouki’s shoulder blades. He felt like he was going to be sick, which he felt was rich coming from the person who wasn’t even the center of all of this mess.

“...Kou, oh my God, Kou, I… I didn’t… I had no idea, I’m sorry, fuck… _fuck,_ if I’d known, I never would have…”

“You didn’t know!” Kouki yelled, shocking the blue-haired teen into silence. “You couldn’t have known, because… because I’ve been a coward all these years, because I couldn’t tell you! It’s my fault for being s-so pathetic! So please… please, don’t blame yourself, Ken, if I had just stood up for myself I know you would have backed off, so… I… I’m just a coward,” he gasped for breath between sobs, his shoulders jumping up sporadically as he cried. 

“I’m so scared of being disliked, of… of being hated for saying no, because of how my life has been until now,” the sick boy continued, curling closer against Kensuke as he made the confession. “In my head, saying no, or disagreeing means that… means… I’ll get punished for it. It terrifies me, I… I just… I’m not strong enough, I can’t do anything, so everything is my f--”

“Kou, listen to yourself! Stop it, please! You’re… you’re so strong, stronger than me, stronger than anyone I know. Do you understand how much courage it takes to speak out about… about being _abused_? What you’re doing right now is the bravest thing you could do. Of course you can’t help feeling scared, you know?! It’s perfectly human to be fearful, to worry that you’re going to mess everything up if you don’t just fake a smile and blend in with the rest of the crowd!

“But what’s the point in that? If you want to cry, then cry! If you want to laugh, if you want to scream… just do it. No one is going to stop you, and the world wants to hear how you’re feeling deep down in your heart. God, hearing all this makes me want to kill your parents for all the shit they’ve put you through,” muttering the last comment with nothing but venom in his voice, Kensuke grabbed on a little tighter, pulled Kouki a little closer to him as if doing so would protect him from all the bad in the world.

“Don’t,” Kouki begged, his voice desperate. “Please don’t do that, Ken. They didn’t mean to hurt me,” he insisted, a little afraid of the anger in his friend’s voice; it seemed like he was perfectly content with doing such a horrible thing just after hearing the blond’s story.

“Do… do you _actually_ believe that, Kou?” Kensuke pulled himself away, hovering a few inches away. He grabbed onto Kouki’s shoulders tightly and stared straight at him, his gaze unwavering. “Can you look me in the eyes, and tell me that your own parents would _hit_ you for any other reason than to hurt you?”

At that, the frail boy didn’t know how to respond, and he most definitely wasn’t able to lift his tear-filled eyes to meet Kensuke’s. “I know it’s easy to defend them,” the tall teen continued when he didn’t receive a response, sighing, “but that’s just not right. You never deserved any of this. They’re the real cowards, Kou! They never even come to visit their own _child_ who… who’s rotting away in this hospital all by himself! If it wasn’t for me, or- or for Mamoru, you’d be totally alone for the rest of your life! That’s **_unforgivable!_ ** They’re so ashamed of how they’ve treated you that they’re running away, that they won’t even face you after everything they’ve done. They know damn well that they ruined your life, and they won’t even own up to it.”

Kouki simply cried even more at these words, knowing how true they rang in his mind, but feeling so conflicted about it at the same time. It was his parents they were talking about, after all; could he really just deem them as being terrible people so easily? Was it okay to acknowledge the pain he’d been through because of the home he grew up in? It seemed… ungrateful, to him, to just ignore that he was given the world. His parents had been prepared to pay for entrance fees to a big-shot school in Tokyo, to basically ensure his success, so… it didn’t make sense to believe they wanted to cause him harm. As he was thinking this, Kensuke frowned, and decided to continue speaking despite the lack of a reply.

“...Besides, am I right in assuming that you’re telling me all this because they’re the reason you said what you said to me last night?”

A tiny nod was all he could manage in response to Kensuke’s question, but it was enough to give him the answer he needed to continue. “Okay, well… think about it. If they got into your head that much to make you think… think that being gay was a sin, or whatever, and to make you yell at your own friend over it, then... what do you think they would have done in your case, if you suddenly told them you liked boys?”

Kouki’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, but he toyed with the concept for a second, going along with the provided scenario. “Well, I was told that no matter what, I… I shouldn’t associate with anyone who was gay, because they were t-terrible… people… so, I… well, I don’t really know. I’m sure it wouldn’t have been good, b-but… I _don’t_ like boys, so that’s a bit of a pointless question to wonder about.”

The awkward silence that filled the room made the blond panic a little bit, unsure what he’d said that made Kensuke’s face scrunch up with some sort of hesitancy. There was a fear sizzling within him, sloshing around in his stomach that made him feel like curling up in his blankets and closing his eyes until it went away.

“....Um…. Listen, Kou. I asked that question for a reason, not just because it was a silly ‘what if’ sort of thing… I… Well, let me try asking this instead. Are you against the idea of being gay, personally? Really dig down deep and think whether you actually believe it’s wrong, or if that’s just what you were raised to think.”

Before Kouki could open his mouth to ask why Kensuke was barraging him with such odd questions, the teen suddenly continued, a defeated look on his face. “If it helps you, I guess you can just think of it as me trying to solve this issue between us. Obviously, you… were really upset, to say those kinds of things to me before, and your words hurt me really badly, but… what really matters is whether or not you truly believe that sort of thing. Do you think it’s wrong to love a boy? Do you hate me for it, think I’m disgusting? To answer that kind of question, I think it’s a little easier to look inside yourself.”

The blond simply stared wide-eyed for a minute at the way Kensuke spoke, eyes downcast as he casually murmured such serious words; it was so unlike the usual way he talked, joking constantly and never getting too grim in his topics. He had always been the mood maker of any group, keeping the smiles going and the laughs coming so that things wouldn’t get tense or awkward...

But, it wasn’t necessarily a bad change of pace, either. It made Kouki really admire his friend for addressing this issue so maturely, and diving into such a complex topic with no hesitation… unlike him, who’d dwelled on it for weeks and weeks until it had exploded in the both of their faces.

“...Wow,” was all he could manage at first, laughing a bit tiredly. “Um, yeah, you’re right… I guess, like…” 

_Like, what?_

Kouki genuinely wasn’t sure how to respond, completely speechless. He’d never thought about it before, because he hadn’t really found himself wanting to date anyone at all before; he was rather young, after all, and well… he didn’t exactly know anyone, either. As someone who’d been cooped up in this hospital for so long, Kouki didn’t really have the leisure of fantasizing of a silly romance where he was happy and in love like sappy novels wrote of. 

So instead, he chose to ignore the main question, dodging it brilliantly with a completely different answer than what Kensuke was looking for.

“...I think… that I said something like this before, but… I would never dislike someone based on something so irrelevant as who they date, or their religion, or… anything like that, really. A person’s words and actions speak way louder than any of those base facts about them, that’s what I think. It’s just… hard, after being told for so long that these kinds of things are disgusting and horrible, that I can’t help but be scared over it. Because I just… don’t understand,” Kouki admitted quietly, his hands resting in his lap.

“What is there not to get?” Kensuke asked patiently, his eyes gentle and curious; he wanted nothing more than to help his friend sort through these feelings of his, and get to some point of mutual understanding.

“Like… What made you realize that you felt this way? How can you even tell that sort of thing?”

“Kou… you know that you already have all the answers to this question, right? If you just think back a little… when I told you I was dating Ryou, I did my best to explain exactly how I felt to you, but… ahah, I guess maybe it was a little hard to understand then, so don’t worry… 

“In my case, I really tried to get myself to care for girls enough to want to go out with them, but I failed every time; I always ended up turning down their confessions, even though I thought they were pretty and nice. It felt weird to me, because what else was there? If someone was a good person, and attractive, then why couldn’t I harbor any feelings for them?

“And then, I would have this subconscious thought, that in the end, the one I wanted to be with was Ryou. It took me a long time to acknowledge this fact for what it was, like, at first I just thought things like ‘I would make Ryou upset if I had a girlfriend, anyways,’ or… ‘I’d rather spend my time with Ryou.’ Things like that, that I thought were perfectly normal until I examined my feelings a little closer… when you love someone, they fill your thoughts all the time, and you think that you’d be perfectly content with spending the rest of your life with them, you know? You see a future with them, staying by their side no matter what, and wishing for them to stay by your side, too. You find all the good in their flaws, and find yourself lucky to even know them… these sorts of things.”

The more Kouki listened to the other speak, the more he wanted to close off his ears, tune the words out and ignore them. His heart was pitter-pattering in his chest at a pace that felt near impossibly fast, threatening to jump up out of his mouth at any moment; somewhere deep down, he knew why he was having this reaction, but he chose to play the fool and wonder why he was so nervous listening to a description of someone else’s feelings. 

_It has nothing to do with me,_ he assured himself, wiping the backs of his palms on his hospital gown to dry the accumulating sweat off of them. He was just a little overwhelmed, trying to understand where his friend was coming from despite how he’d been taught to hate homosexuality from a young age -- that’s all there was to it.

“I see,” Kouki breathed, offering a small nod of his head. “I guess that explains why you would always talk about him, since you were thinking about him all the time, huh,” he laughed, reminiscing on all the long phone calls and chit chats about the silver-haired student. The river swarming with things to say about him had never dried out when it came to Kensuke, a school of minnows thriving within the teen’s mind; even if it ran low, it would just fill back up again from the beginning, overflowing with a mix of compliments and aggravated comments that had always been so clearly thought out, like he’d spent night after night thinking about the student.

“Mhm. But…” 

Kensuke took a deep breath, like he was hesitating to continue with his sentence. Teal eyes shifted nervously to the side, then to the ground, until eventually he fixed Kouki with an intense stare. “...That sounds a little too familiar, doesn’t it, Kou?”

Gulping, Kouki felt a cold sweat prickling at the back of his neck at the question that seemed to pinpoint that exact insecurity he’d just buried deep within himself and drag it back to the surface again. “W-What do you mean…?”  
  
“You know what I mean,” the blue-haired boy sighed, finally moving back a few paces to put some space between them when he sensed how badly he was stressing the other out. “Don’t try to ignore this any longer, please, Kou… do you think I haven’t noticed? I’m really glad that you spoke with me today about your past, and I’m sure that was probably the hardest thing you’ve ever had to tell someone. I don’t want to ignore that fact, or brush it off at all; I’m really… really sorry for everything you’ve been through, and for making things worse for you by bringing alcohol and pressuring you into drinking. I’m sorry that I ignored your feelings, and that I didn’t reach out to you sooner, didn’t try to help before it got too bad. I know you’ve been going through so much because of your parents, because of the Hell they’ve put you through. But that’s… that’s not it, right Kou? That’s not why you lashed out at me. You didn’t say such hurtful things because you were upset with _me_ ...”  
  


_ Stop, stop, please, stop, _ Kouki tried to find his voice to beg the other to stop talking, but all he could do was silently plead as his breath hitched in his throat, squeezing his eyes shut and bracing himself for those words he didn’t want to hear. He felt his fingers grasping, pulling at the tattered fabric of his clothes, holding on for dear life so that the pause between words that lasted an eternity wouldn’t drive him into madness.

“...You said them because you were upset with _yourself_ for having these same feelings, right? You took it out on me, because you knew, deep down, that you were growing too attached to Mamoru, and you didn’t know how to handle it.”

Shoulders slumping, the blond couldn’t offer a response this time, either. He felt his chest ache, then twist and turn in every angle, every direction... tugging and pulling until he felt he was going to cry again, or even throw up. “How...?” He finally whispered, frustration rippling inside of his very core.

He was tired of acting, tired of trying to fight back at this point. He felt defeated by the other’s words, to the point where he wasn’t even sure how he’d been so obvious, how it was so easy to put his struggle that he’d been running away from for weeks into a simple few sentences. 

Was he that much of an open book? It wasn’t fair.

Kensuke grinned, then, and reached out to lightly pat Kouki’s shoulder. “I’m not blind. The way your eyes light up whenever you tell me about him, how you always seem so excited to tell stories about the times you two spend together… it’s painfully clear how much you care for Mamoru, that you’d do anything for him. I’ve… I’ve never seen you happier than when you’re talking about him, y’know? Of course I’d pick up on that, Kou. You’re my best friend.”

The blond shook his head, biting his lip. “Listen, I… I really don’t think it’s like that, okay? I’ve… never had any friends except for you, so it’s only natural that I’d get a little attached to him… a-and he’s just taught me so much, and been so kind to me, that I can’t help it. But I don’t…”

“Kou, it’s fine. If you’re not ready to accept it, that’s fine, but… your reaction to what I’ve said has already told me everything I need to know, so you don’t need to keep trying to defend yourself like this. I just want to tell you that… it’s okay. Hell, even if you wanna continue down this path and insist that you don’t like him, that’s fine, too. But what I _need_ you to know, right now, is that it’s _okay_ to love him. It’s okay to want to be with him, and it’s okay to embrace these feelings of yours; in fact, you’ll feel a lot better once you do. 

“Like I said earlier, expressing yourself is perfectly natural, so… you shouldn’t keep holding yourself back. Allow yourself to be happy, please… don’t keep beating yourself up over your feelings. I know that you don’t really believe that being gay is just a phase, or fooling around, so… be honest with me, when you feel that you can, but… most importantly, just be honest with yourself. Okay?”

  
  
The words were absorbed by every fiber of Kouki’s flesh, divided up into the smallest of portions to fill every individual cell in his body. They resonated within him, in a way that managed to both fill him with sorrow and happiness at the same time, made him tremble with rage and confusion but also love and gratefulness. He wasn’t sure which emotion to grab onto from this swirling storm of conflicting feelings.

“...Again, I think you’ve got it wrong,” he mumbled, though his argument was much less spirited this time; it was clear his walls were coming down, that he wasn’t capable of putting up a fight for much longer on the subject. 

Not wanting to push his friend too far, though, Kensuke decided to retreat from there and leave the other to ponder over what he’d said today. He leaned forward, giving the blond one last hug filled with comfort, inhaling deeply. “Haha, sure, sure. If I’ve got it wrong, then that’s fine… but just don’t try to force yourself to believe that. Accept whatever you’re feeling inside and work with it; you don’t have to tell anyone -- not even me! -- if you decide to embrace these feelings, because what’s most important is that you feel safe. But, do know that you can trust in me… After all, you know I’ve been through the exact same thing… So… take some time, okay? Think about what I’ve said, that’s all I’ll ask of you.”

“Mm. Thank you, Kensuke…”

“Don’t sweat it!” Kensuke smiled as he pulled away from their embrace, standing up tall. “I’m happy to hear you speaking your mind, even if it’s still a little hard to sort through all these feelings right now… I prefer this Kou much more than the one who tries to hide all his problems from his best friend. That Kou is no fun.” With a playful pout, he shook his head disapprovingly, then gave a tiny laugh to show he was just messing around as he turned to head for the door. 

“...I’ve got plans tonight, so I do need to head out now, but… please call me, anytime you need to talk. Whether it’s about what we just discussed, or your family, or… anything at all, really. I’m here, ready to dash down in an instant if you need me! Hell, even if visiting hours are over, I’ll sneak my way in to help! You know I’m dead serious when I say I don’t mind breaking a few rules for you. ‘Kay?”

“Haha, yeah… got it. Are you going out with Ryou?”

The words still felt a little tense on his tongue, made him stiffen a bit on instinct, but most of the weight had been lifted off Kouki’s shoulders after their conversation. He didn’t feel physically sick at the thought of the two spending time together like he would have before, though it did make him a little nervous.

“Yup! We’re gonna eat dinner at my place and then maybe play some games or something. Not totally sure.”

  
  


“I see,” Kouki murmured and offered a soft smile, a genuine expression. Maybe he felt uncertain about everything happening in his life, and it was as if he could topple over at any moment under the force of all these confusing thoughts and feelings, but…

“...Sounds like fun. Tell him I said hello, alright?”

At his words of encouragement, that tone of true acceptance, Kensuke almost looked like he was going to tear up right there, a blinding expression of joy forming on his face as his eyes shone over with wetness in the dim lighting of the hospital room. That last glance as he nodded violently, waving goodbye to his friend and turning on his heel, made Kouki feel a bit more confident. 

In that moment, he decided that he wanted nothing more than to support Kensuke, and so he assured himself that everything would work out if they just continued moving forward like this. They were in this together, after all, just like they had been for all of these years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mamoru hasnt showed up in 3 chapters how are we feeling lads. didn't mean to make so many chapters ken-central but its hard to split these up properly aha... he will be back next chapter though do not worry.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no warnings for this chapter really, just slight internalized homophobia and also teeth rotting sappiness

_“You took it out on me, because you knew, deep down, that you were growing too attached to Mamoru, and you didn’t know how to handle it.”_

Kouki laid back in his bed, his friend’s words ringing in the back of his skull. Being alone with his thoughts, having to reflect on these deep, hidden parts of himself with no one to help him… the young boy really hated it, after all. It was frustrating how Kensuke had seen right through him, before he’d even been able to address this issue churning inside his gut. 

Now, after having scarfed down his dinner, Kouki had the whole night to debate everything he’d talked about with Kensuke, to be left wondering just what was going on anymore… How was he supposed to feel, really? Usually, on nights like these, he’d spend the rest of his time before bed growing excited that he would be able to see Mamoru again tomorrow, but...

When he caught himself with that bubbly, floating feeling surfacing to the very top of his chest at the mere thought of seeing the other teen, he felt a pang of guilt, because maybe Kensuke was right. Maybe these feelings of his weren’t just some sort of friendly admiration, and… he had let his guard down too much around the musician who’d been dedicating so much of his time to making Kouki feel happy, lighting up his world like never before.

Surely it wasn’t too late, right? He wasn’t gay, he just happened to share some similar experiences and thoughts that his friend had shared with him; that didn’t mean he was into boys, or that he had anything to worry about, right? Despite everything, he still found himself digging for excuses, trying to reassure himself that there was no way. Surely, if he tried testing the waters, he’d realize that this was all silly, and he didn’t want anything more than friendship from the older teen.

Surely… _surely,_ he wasn’t…

Shaking his head, Kouki let out an exasperated sigh. It was pointless to be concerning himself so much about this. In the first place, it was bad for him to keep trying so hard to refute any possibility of being gay, since he’d just talked to Kensuke about not having any real issue with it, but… in the end, it was still worrying. He supposed it would take a while for him to truly come to terms with the concept of it, to be able to absolutely accept his friend and support him like he should have done so many weeks ago when he first came out.

It wasn’t worth regretting now, though, he reprimanded himself as he began to fall into a light sleep. All he could do now was try to redeem himself for the mistakes he’d made, for the pain he’d caused because of his internalized issue with homosexuality; he didn’t want to hurt Kensuke again by being unable to sort through his feelings properly.

Once he’d woken up in the morning, he had to continue to remind himself of this fact as he nibbled on a small bowl of rice, mindlessly popping the end of his chopsticks into his mouth and chewing. Today, he was going to find some peace of mind, even if the thought of facing his feelings was gnawing at the ends of his nerves mercilessly hard.

The hands of the clock ticked and ticked as the blond remained curled up on his bed, his heart refusing to slow down in its fast pace, thudding against his ribcage. He was unable to calm down, and even when he heard that knock at his door at ten o’clock his heartrate only increased further.

“Kou-kun! Good morning,” Mamoru grinned as he stepped into the room, tucking a strand of fuschia hair behind his right ear. It had been getting longer, and while it was worn down today, whenever the musician pulled it back it was a more full ponytail than it had been the first few visits. “How are you feeling today?” 

Kouki bit down on his quivering lip, taking in shallow breaths through his nose. The sweet, calming sound of the other’s voice was only having the opposite effect on him today, after everything he’d talked to Kensuke about, and the inner knowledge that he really needed to focus on his feelings today.

“I-I’m good,” he stuttered out, and his voice sounded pathetic. “...Are you doing well, Mamoru?”

The brunet nodded, a cheerful hum escaping him. “I finished a new song today, so… I’m really happy with it. U-Um, if you’d like, I can sing it for you…” Pressing the tips of his fingers together, the tall boy sheepishly looked at the ground as he offered. Kouki’s eyes lit up, and he leaned forward against the rail of the bed. “Yes! I’d love to hear it, Mamoru!”

His excitement shone through as he quickly assured the other how much he wanted to hear him sing. “Your songs are always so lovely, I w-wish…” 

_I wish I could listen to you sing forever._

Kouki caught the thought as it flashed into his mind, and he remembered Kensuke’s words about how it was natural to want to spend your whole life with the person you love… blushing, he still decided to force the words out, no matter how embarrassing they were; it only felt like that because he was thinking too hard about it, that’s all!

“E-Eh…? Kou-kun, I’ve told you before… for as long as you want to listen to my songs, I’ll always be here to sing for you. I’m not going anywhere! So you don’t have to wish for something like that, okay?”

“Always…?” Kouki felt his heart doing somersaults in his chest, thumping and thumping until he was certain it was an audible sound; even if it wasn’t, the heart monitor on him easily gave away just how hard it was pounding. 

“Always. As in… I’m never going to leave your side, Kou-kun. Until the moment you decide you don’t want me around anymore, I’ll be here,” Mamoru started to move towards the bed to give the blond a comforting hug, but the smaller boy beat him to the chase. On instinct, he leaped forward from his seat on the bed to envelop Mamoru in a tight embrace, clinging to him as he snuggled up against the brunet’s chest.

Mamoru was at a loss of words at the sudden display of affection, his face going red as he sputtered out noises of shock and confusion. “...K-K...Kou-kun?! What’s gotten into you, so suddenly?” He finally managed as he wrapped his own arms around the hospital patient, returning the hug and holding him close. 

“...Mamoru is so warm,” Kouki breathed out, and tried to ignore how his heart swelled with such content from being in the other’s arms. With one last hug to Mamoru’s waist, he finally let his grip loosen, but remained pressed up against the older teen’s lower chest.

“So warm… I just... Feel so secure with Mamoru.” 

Smiling softly down at the young boy, Mamoru felt his heart melt at those words. “...I’m glad, Kou-kun. I’m so happy that I can be your safe place,” he murmured. The fact that Kouki’s heart hadn’t calmed down in the slightest during any of this made him think that maybe, just maybe… Kensuke had been right. Of course, he’d known that all along, hadn’t he? But actually admitting it to himself was an entirely different issue. Because…

Well, because, what if Mamoru thought that he was disgusting? What if he ruined everything by having these feelings, by yearning for more and more of that warmth the musician had; it was selfish, right, for him to want so much of the other? His selfishness could destroy their entire friendship within an instant if he wasn’t careful.

And yet, that fear felt like it was budding into something special, too, as Mamoru began singing to him the lovely melody he’d come up with over the past week, whispering the notes sweetly into the patient’s ear like it was a secret meant for only him to hear. The minutes passed by quickly as Kouki listened carefully to that angelic voice gently pulling him into that beautiful meadow of flowers in his conscious he’d stood in so many times before, that fluttery feeling bubbling up inside his chest that he’d ignored for so long that he felt like he was discovering it all over again in that moment.

“I… I… Mamoru, it’s okay, right? It’s okay for me to be so happy…?”

His eyes welled up with tears as he spoke, but they weren’t tears of bitterness, or remorse. He felt like he was finally starting to see just what was so ‘okay’ about loving someone, about allowing yourself to enjoy their presence so much that it totally swallows you up… he felt like maybe it was alright, to let this feeling last just a bit longer.

“...What are you talking about? Of course it is. You’re allowed to be happy, just like you’re allowed to be sad, or angry… there’s nothing wrong with however you want to feel, Kou-kun.”

Letting out a tiny sob, the blond made a twisted smile through his tears. Mamoru slid his arms out from underneath the other so that he could grab onto those small, fragile hands of his. Kouki was so happy to feel that radiating warmth against his palms, like flowered vines twining around all of his fingers individually and blooming. 

“...Thank you. Thank you, so much, Mamoru,” he sniffled, staring up at the brunet with big, wet eyes that twinkled with all the admiration in the world. Mamoru simply stared back, and Kouki felt like the other’s eyes were just as gentle, just as adoring, but maybe he was only letting himself see what he wanted to see. 

“...Silly. There’s nothing to thank me for. I’m only here because I want to be, because I want you to be happy… nothing makes me feel more glad than seeing you feel so content. So no matter what it takes, no matter what… I always want to help you find that smile of yours.” Reaching out a finger, Mamoru poked right next to Kouki’s mouth, which made the blond’s grin widen a bit as he giggled. 

“That’s the one,” he breathed, tilting his head as he admired the sight of Kouki looking so happy. “I love your smile. That’s why I’m here, why I keep fighting to do whatever I can… because I want you to realize that life is worth living. I told you that the first day we met, you know? I don’t want you to give up.”

Kouki blinked as the brunet grabbed back onto his hands, intertwining their fingers together and sharing his warmth into his own cold palms. “...Mamoru, if I can be with you forever, then this life isn’t so bad,” he confessed before he could really think about the weight of his words, letting out a happy little sigh. “Being by your side, hearing your music… learning all sorts of new things from you… I could never give up, not when you’re here with me.”

Mamoru stopped in his tracks at the words that had come out of left field, stunning him into silence for a long moment. “...Really? Do you... really feel that way, Kou-kun?” He sounded almost on the brink of tears, himself, but his eyes twinkled in a way that showed he wasn’t upset at all.

“Why would I say it if I didn’t mean it…? If I hadn’t met you, I would have given up long ago, you know. Your words that day, and every day I’ve seen you since then… they give me strength. You make me feel like maybe I can keep going, that maybe I’m strong enough to take another step forward.”

He smiled fondly as he spoke, and as much as he wished to keep rambling, he forced himself to fall into silence. Just for a little longer, he wanted to enjoy this peacefulness between them, to enjoy what the two of them had before ruining everything by going too far.

“Thank you, Kou-kun… Nothing makes me happier than that. Absolutely nothing,” Mamoru whispered, bringing the blond into another hug; this time, though, his hands were trembling as he held Kouki tight. Was he crying? It was impossible to tell with their position, but…

Just then, the shorter boy decided to sing.

He had never done so before, but as if on instinct, the melody Mamoru had gifted to him the day they first met came spilling from his lips. “My gloria,” he sang gently, with no clear confidence in his voice at all, but it still took Mamoru’s breath away. 

For a long moment, he simply listened to the patient’s unsteady voice, softly trying to keep the notes coming. Once he’d reached the chorus, though, Mamoru joined in, making it a duet. However, he sung a different set of notes than Kouki, a higher part that neatly complimented the words he murmured in the small hospital room, their voices blending together like all the colors of the sunrise they’d watched together that day so many weeks ago, painting the plain white room a brilliant combination of goldens and pinks. 

Kouki wasn’t sure what it was about the two parts coming together that managed to brighten the room so perfectly, the notes bouncing off the walls and absorbing into his skin. The music made him feel so whole, and so he kept singing, wishing the uplifting beauty of the song would never end. Of course, though, he had only managed to memorize the chorus, so once they’d reached the part that he wasn’t sure of, Mamoru finished up the last line, then giggled.

“Here’s where you fell down,” he stated, as if Kouki wasn’t already painfully aware of that fact. The blond went red in the face at this, looking away with a tiny pout. “Y-You don’t have to remind me,” he mumbled, huffing out a long breath of air. “Anyways, what was that…? What you sang just now, that was…?”

“It’s called a harmony,” the brunet explained with a nod of his head. “In songs where multiple people sing, it’s common to see combinations of notes to add color to the song, making the melody come out a whole lot more! I try to add harmonies to any song I write, even though… ahah, I’m usually the only person singing them… I just think they make the whole piece come together.”

Kouki smiled at how eager Mamoru was to tell the concept to him, fuschia eyes alight with a passionate fire as he rambled about how harmonies worked, and how there were different types of note combinations to make a song sound more solemn, or more happy than it might sound with just the melody.

“...A-Anyways, um, so that’s what it was. I was really excited to hear you sing my song, I… I can’t believe you really remembered the whole thing, Kou-kun, and… well, your voice was so perfectly fit for it! I’m so honored that you sang for me, uwaa…!”

Kouki shrunk under the compliments, growing flustered at the praise he received. “I-It surely wasn’t that good,” he mumbled, refusing to look up. “It’s just because it was your song that is so lovely, even a bad voice like mine wouldn’t be able to ruin it…”

“Don’t say that! I’m flattered you think my songs are that good, but, really… I mean it when I say your voice is beautiful. Your singing is amazing, Kou-kun! Ah, if you’d like, I can try to teach you some more of my songs, and we can sing together lots to pass the time, okay?!”  
  
With a tiny nod, Kouki looked up at the other with a tentative expression. “If you’re sure you really want me singing them,” he murmured, frowning, and Mamoru made a small noise of disapproval at the comment. “I already told you, of course I do! I want to hear you sing lots more. Maybe in the future, once you get out of here, we can put on some sort of show for the townsfolk and perform together… I think we make a great pair, you know!”

“E-Eh?!”

Desperately trying to reassure himself that no, Mamoru did not mean to make that last comment sound the way that his mind immediately took it, Kouki’s face burned with embarrassment. He splayed his hands over his face to hide just how pink his cheeks were, whining as he tried to calm himself down. “A-Ah, um… I, um, I mean… I… I t-think we… make a great… p-..p-pair, too…”

God, this was absolutely humiliating. The way he got so flustered despite knowing the context of the sentence, and the way it was so hard to get the words out, himself… how embarrassing. Kouki sighed as he willed his cheeks to return to their normal pale color, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment.

“Ahah, I’m glad. So…” 

Mamoru grabbed onto Kouki’s shoulders, forcing him to move his hands away from his face; that in itself was already embarrassing enough, since he was still noticeably red, but… 

  
Then, the brunet leaned in close, until their noses were mere inches apart, and the blond thought he’d died in that moment. His heart skipped a bit, or maybe even stopped completely -- he wasn’t quite sure -- as he tried to process how close the other teen was, so close that… that if he were to move his head forward, just a little bit, surely…

“M-Mamoru?!” 

His voice came out as a high-pitched squeak, and he could feel his own breath bounce off of the other’s face from how close they were from each other. “U-U-U...Um, uh… is… is s-something the matter?” He tried asking, completely bewildered with the situation; he wanted to rip the electrodes off his skin that were so blatantly announcing his heart failure to the very same boy who was causing it to happen.

“Hehe, no, it’s nothing. I just thought Kou-kun is so cute when he gets all embarrassed like this,” Mamoru hummed as he shifted away, giving the blond his personal space back. “You’re usually so stiff and quiet, I can’t help but tease you sometimes.”

Kouki really was going to overheat. He couldn’t take it anymore. “I-I…. c-cu…. cute?! No, no, that’s not… true… I’m not cute…”

“Are too!” Mamoru laughed happily as he pressed at Kouki’s cheek, forming a small dip in the skin there. “Kou-kun is the cutest, I promise,” he hummed, crossing his hands over his chest and nodding like he’d just solved the world’s most difficult physics equation, or something. 

For a while, the two of them simply chit chatted like usual, and Mamoru even taught Kouki the rest of the song they’d sung together before; it was titled “My Gloria,” as the musician informed him, and the whole song was just as gorgeous as the one snippet he’d heard before. The two sung together happily, and Mamoru never left Kouki’s side until the end of the night.

Once visiting hours came to a close, and the brunet softly wished him a good night before slipping out the door, Kouki immediately fumbled for the phone beside his bed, Kensuke’s phone number on his fingers before he could even think twice. His heart pounded in his chest as he sat through two, three rings before there was a click.

“Hello?”

In the background, there was the soft sound of voices chattering on the television, and even a more prominent voice of what he quickly realized was Ryouta asking who was on the phone; Kouki raised an eyebrow at the fact that the two were still together at this hour, but it was more amusing now than concerning. 

“Hi, Ken. Sorry, is this a bad time?”

“O-Oh, oh, no, it’s not! It’s not like that, I swear, I was just watching a movie with Ryou, I--”

“Mhm, and you were ‘just watching a movie’ when you guys kissed, too, right?” Kouki laughed as he teased his friend, and he could practically see the way Kensuke grew flustered over his comments. “I’m kidding, I just couldn’t resist making a comment about it. But are you sure it’s not a bad time? I can call back in the morning, or something…”

“It’s really not! Um… is it serious? I can go outside or something if--”

“I’m in love with Mamoru,” the blond gasped out, unable to take the wait of keeping this information bottled up inside for even another second. The silence on the other line was deafening, and then he heard Kensuke tell his boyfriend that he would be right back before he received any real response, likely not wanting to speak on the issue with someone else listening in.

“Ok, wait, say that again, I didn’t quite get it the first time,” Kensuke said after a long pause of him finding a more private place to talk; Kouki could hear the soft breeze filtering in and out of the speakers, and it was the closest he’d been to being outside since the time he’d broken out months ago. The excitement and hint of laughter in his voice, though, made it clear that he absolutely had heard his confession, but...

“...I’m in love with Mamoru,” he said again, despite knowing fully well that he didn’t need to repeat himself; it was more for his own sake, to really confirm the words and the way they tingled on the tip of his tongue as he said them. He hated how he could feel so thrilled, yet so terrified at the same time by it.

“Well, yeah! So, what happened? What’s going on? Tell me everything!”

“I-I… I,” stuttering, trying to collect himself enough to get the words out, the blond bit the inside of his cheek. “W-Well… I tried to think about what you said, you know… and… everything… ok, well, really, the only thing I can think of right now is that, like, we came so close to kissing and I-I freaked out and I swear, my heart was going to stop, I kept thinking that he was right there and t-that if I just moved a little bit, we’d… we’d… and it made me really excited to think about, and so, so I… I realized, you know, that… I l-love him.”

Struggling to regain the air he’d lost from his lungs after rambling on and on so suddenly, Kouki drew in a shaky breath, clutching on tight to the black phone that he held close to his ear. 

“Woah, woah! Okay, so wait, but you guys didn’t kiss, right?”

“No, we didn’t, but I kind of wish we h-had and the fact that I even think that at all is probably real bad, because I’m sure it was a total accident, you know, that he got so close like that and I shouldn’t have--”

“You should have! Oh my God, Kou, that was totally an open invitation!” Groaning, Kensuke chided his friend with a frown. “Like, he was super close, right? Why else would he have gotten so close if he wasn’t testing you to see if you’d do it?! You totally should have kissed him!”

Laughing, Kouki fidgeted on the edge of the bed; butterflies rested in his stomach, not quite fluttering around but still clearly residing within him, crawling around carefully. Just the thought of kissing Mamoru, of what might have happened if he had…

“I-I don’t want to ruin things,” he insisted nervously, gnawing on his lower lip. “Like, what am I supposed to do now? I… I don’t even know what to do with these feelings, because I’m scared if I do anything, or if I tell him, he’s going to hate me. I’ve only known him for what, like...three months, now? Surely he’d be weirded out by me coming onto him… and God, I’m not even really sure how to deal with this, Ken…”

For a moment, it seemed like Kensuke didn’t really know how to deal with it, either. He thought about Kouki’s words in silence, making a small thoughtful hum every once in a while, until he finally spoke again.

“You love him, right? And you want to be with him, right?”

Swallowing the lump that had formed in this throat, Kouki nodded. “Yeah,” he agreed meekly, though he felt nervous admitting such a thing. At the very least, he was glad to know Kensuke wouldn’t judge him, no matter what, but… it was still really hard to deal with this situation, with everything from his past threatening to take over him and form a dark cloud of self hatred over his head.

“Then, that’s all that you need to think about right now. You don’t need to tell him until you feel ready to have that conversation, okay? You can wait for as long as you want -- hell, you can even decide to never tell him, because the only thing that matters now is enjoying the time you two have together. Nothing has to change! You two can just talk like always, and you can enjoy his presence just like before, without having to risk making things weird. But… I’ll tell you, right now, that I don’t even have to meet this Mamoru guy to know he totally is into you, too. So if you do decide you want to tell him… don’t hesitate, okay? It’s better to regret saying something, than to regret never saying it.”

Nodding along, Kouki closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. Yeah, that was right… he didn’t have to change anything. He’d be perfectly content just being by Mamoru’s side, being allowed the honor of basking in his presence for so many days. Right now, there was nothing that mattered more than that, not even his wish to become even closer with the brunet; that could come later, it could always come later…

“You’re right, Ken… Thank you. I guess I just got a little panicked when I realized everything, you know, because… I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I had to tell someone right away, so I called you, since I figured you’d know best how to handle this situation. Um… thank you, for being so understanding, and… supporting me so much. I’m sorry that I couldn’t have been this person for you when you needed it most, you know…?”

“Kouuuu, don’t start this. It’s fine, okay? You don’t need to keep apologizing for it; we’re here, now, and everything is okay, right? So stop fretting over the past, and focus on the now. Focus on the fact that, hell, you’ve managed to overcome this huge obstacle in your path and think about how much clearer things must be now that you’ve found some sort of inner peace. Got it?”

“Got it,” Kouki agreed with a small sigh, a grin spreading across his face. His eyes crinkled as he thanked the other one more time, then said goodbye to his friend; by now, it was around midnight. He felt a bit bad for having made this phone call so late, but Kensuke had always been a night owl, so it wasn’t as if he would have been sleeping in the first place.

For a while, the blond simply laid there and basked in the contentedness he felt, allowing his eyes to flutter shut as he reflected on his feelings. It was okay for him to feel like this, and it was okay for him to hold on to these emotions and be happy over them -- he wasn’t broken. It was only natural for him to feel this way, when Mamoru was someone as… _dazzling,_ as perfect as he was.

He allowed himself the freedom of knowing he didn’t have to do anything; not now, not anytime soon, or even ever, if he decided he wanted to keep this love of his a secret until the very end. There was no one there to force him to confess, so unless he decided on his own to offer up his heart to Mamoru on a silver plate....

Well, for the next few weeks, he was just fine with that. He spent his time with Mamoru laughing and smiling as usual, enjoying the musician’s presence even more than before; the two sang together, too, just as they had that day before. Kouki learned many songs that Mamoru had written all by himself and was awestruck by the absolute talent the composer had, by how much emotion and thought was put into every song that he wrote.

Then, about a month later, right at the beginning of July, it happened. It was an evening just like any other, and Mamoru had pulled up a chair to the side of Kouki’s hospital bed, but ultimately neglected the seat to simply lean against the mattress to be closer to the patient. They happily chatted back and forth, until it was pitch black outside, the lights in the room dimmed to signify the late hours.

“I should probably get going,” Mamoru murmured, frowning in disappointment at the turning of the clock. Kouki nodded, offering a small smile, because he knew that saying goodbye tonight only meant seeing each other again soon. And that should have been the end, where the brunet waltzed out of the room, but…

The blond wasn’t sure what came over him, couldn’t understand the reason his chest ached so painfully that he grabbed onto the brunet’s wrist before he could even walk to the door. His fingers curled tight around his hot skin, and they trembled like he was scared.

“Mamoru, wait,” he pleaded in a small voice, and as he was speaking he realized that wait, was he really going to do this right now? It was completely spontaneous, and he’d latched onto the brunet without a second thought, but… 

“Eh? Kou-kun? What’s the matter?” Confused, Mamoru simply turned to face the blond, whose face was twisted up in a display of many emotions that weren’t quite readable. He took a long moment to decide what he wanted to say; should he just come right out and say it? Or maybe he should lead up to it, but how?

“I need to tell you something,” he whispered, his voice barely even stirring the air around them. Mamoru could feel the other’s pulse as it pittered against his wrist, drumming out a fast tempo. The brunet was about to respond, but Kouki simply reached up to pull Mamoru forward, dragging him close until they were inches apart, just like before.

This was it. There was no turning back now, was there?

Leaning forward, the blond intended to kiss the other, but… in the end, that seemed a little much, didn’t it? Panicking, he stopped before it was too late, pale blue eyes fixated on those soft, luscious lips of Mamoru’s, and how enticing they were. For him, though, he’d rather just say it, after all; whether that was better, or worse, he wasn’t even sure, but…

“Sorry, um,” laughing nervously, Kouki tried to pretend like he hadn’t been about to kiss Mamoru, his breath hot on the musician’s lips. “I… I like you. A lot, actually, like, um, I shouldn’t even say that I like you, because, well… I… l-love you, I love you a lot, and want to be with you forever, but I know that’s probably really weird to say and that’s why I wanted to tell you before you leave because then if you decide you don’t want to come back or something then that’s okay, I understand and--”

Mamoru moved closer, and Kouki felt his world stop, stunned so badly that his words fell short immediately. 

But their lips never made contact, even after the blond’s eyes fluttered shut like he was expecting it, ready for it. Instead, he felt a brief wetness at his cheek as Mamoru gave him a light peck, then pulled away enough to stare down at the shorter boy. “I’m not gonna steal your first kiss just yet,” Mamoru giggled as Kouki raised a hand to his cheek in confusion, blinking a few times. 

“Yet…?” Kouki confirmed in a croak, struggling to process what those words meant for him, for the confession he’d just blurted out so suddenly. Did that mean…?

“Yet,” Mamoru repeated, smiling. “Meaning, sometime in the future, I’ll give you a real kiss. It’s more romantic if there’s some buildup involved, wouldn’t you say~? Fufu… of course, that means I’m going to come back, so don’t say such silly things like that.”

Still confused, the hospital patient simply stared at Mamoru, dumbfounded as he tried to understand. His hand remained splayed across his cheek, not wanting to remove it in case he’d forget what had just happened. 

“I’m _saying_ ,” the brunet huffed, grabbing Kouki by the shoulders, “that I accept your confession, Kou-kun. Talking with you so often, even just standing by your side, I… I’ve never been happier than now, you know…? My one wish was for you to want to live, to see that the world isn’t all that bad, so I thought that I’d be happy just supporting you and helping you get to that point, but… in the end, I really want to be with Kou-kun, too.”

The tears welling up in Kouki’s eyes were filled to the brim with joy, with disbelief that something so wonderful could truly be happening to him right now. He nodded, and they spilled from his eyes, dripping down his cheeks and off his chin as he sniffled. “T-Thank you, Mamoru,” he weeped, nuzzling the other’s neck.

“Mm, no need to thank me. I’m just as happy as you are, trust me,” the brunet laughed and he ran his hand through the fluffy locks of blond hair upon Kouki’s head as he buried his face in the crook of Mamoru’s neck. “But, I’m sure I’m probably gonna get kicked out any second, so… until tomorrow, okay? And, well… because I, um… didn’t say it, before… you know,” stammering, the brunet seemed to grow flustered as he pulled back. Even though he wanted to turn away out of embarrassment, he knew he owed Kouki this much, to look at him straight on as he spoke.

“...I love you, Kou-kun. Goodnight.”

And with that, he was gone, before the younger boy even had a chance to process those words, blushing heavily as he hurried out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE MADE IT BOYS!!!!!! everyone say congrats mamokou on the marriage


	10. Chapter 10

Kouki was barely able to get a wink of sleep that night, his heart racing in his chest as he laid awake in the late hours of the night, thinking of Mamoru. Part of him wondered if he was just dreaming, to have the boy he’d grown to love accept his confession just like that, but… these feelings bubbling up in his chest were too real to be a figment of his imagination, surely. With a dumb grin, he lay on his side, squirming a little bit in an attempt to lessen the excitement coursing through his entire body; it was so overwhelming, burning every inch of his skin with a fiery hot passion that made it physically impossible to stay still. 

In his head, he could hear the brunet telling him that he loved him, like a broken record repeating the same three words over and over into his brain. Kouki couldn’t get enough of it, frankly; every time he remembered those words, followed by that ever-so-gentle murmur of his name, he felt another burst of dopamine flooding his senses. Sleep wasn’t exactly probable for him at this rate, even after he’d already spent a good three hours on the phone with Kensuke, gushing about how he’d confessed and admitting how hard it was to believe that the two of them were actually together, now. The blue-haired teen had even offered to stay up and talk with him as long as he wanted, but Kouki had ultimately decided he didn’t want to take up  _ all  _ of his time, so… he’d decided to allow the rest of his gleeful feelings to flutter around in stomach, along with the dozens of butterflies that lived inside him.

A pleased sigh escaped him, his smile refusing to leave his face as he curled in on himself, hugging his knees tightly. For Kouki, this was the first time he’d had to do this motion out of joy, rather than fear or sadness; he’d never felt so many of these positive emotions at once, overwhelming him to the point of having to grab onto something just to keep himself grounded. It felt as if he would simply float up to the ceiling at any moment, with the happiness filling him like helium into an empty balloon. 

Eventually, around four or so in the morning, Kouki was able to fall asleep for a few hours, but in the end he’d woken up at sunrise with the knowledge he’d be able to see… his  _ boyfriend  _ this morning. Not just his friend, he told himself, and pride swelled within him as he repeated this fact in his head again. “My boyfriend,” he whispered aloud, tingling all over at the words and giggling to himself like a lovestruck schoolgirl.

For the rest of the morning, he simply waited not-so-patiently for the hours to pass by. When he’d deemed it a decent hour to call Kensuke, he’d immediately phoned him, shifting restlessly on the bed as he waited for someone to pick up. 

“...Hello,” a voice that was definitely  _ not  _ his friend’s answered, making his heart fall a little bit in disappointment when he realized Ryouta had picked up the phone for him. Darting his eyes from side to side, the blond tried to decide what to say, knowing he’d never really spoken much to the other party; in fact, he wasn’t sure if the two of them had  _ ever  _ had a real conversation before.

“...Hello? If you have nothing to say, I’ll just hang up. This is Kou, right?”

Laughing under his breath at the blunt, annoyed statement, Kouki tried to relax his stiffened shoulders. “Yeah. How’d you know?”

“Oh, give me a break,” the silver-haired teen sighed, and even over the phone he could imagine the boy rolling his eyes. After sharing a classroom with him for a few years, Kouki had picked up on how he’d always been rather… dramatic with his reactions to things, especially if they were negative reactions. “You two have been talking nonstop lately. Of course you’d be the only person trying to get a hold of him at  _ seven in the morning. _ He’s asleep, that’s why I answered, so... you’re out of luck.” 

Feeling a little guilty, Kouki gave a tiny nod on instinct. “O-Okay. I’m sorry to bother you, thanks for letting me know. Could… could you tell him to call me when he’s up? Please.”

“Sure, I’ll tell him. And, uh... by the way, I hope you’re doing okay. I feel bad that I haven’t come up to see you, or anything, and Ken always dotes on me for it… I just don’t feel that I’d be welcome there, you know, after everything. So I wanted to tell you that it’s not because I hate you, or anything -- I never did. In fact, I think you’re really smart, and it’s a shame that you’re too sick to do something amazing with your talents, but… I hope you get better soon, so that you can.”

Kouki’s mouth fell open, and for a moment he didn’t know how to respond to the sudden apology. At first, he just smiled, letting the words settle into his mind, making themselves cozy in the front of his head, but…

“...That’s all. Take care, Kou,” Ryouta seemed a little embarrassed as he quickly hung up the phone without even waiting for a response from Kouki, leaving the blond feeling rather confused, but happy. 

Happy, because he felt like he could finally truly accept everything that had been happening in his life. He’d be lying if he tried to say that knowing Kensuke was dating someone who’d been so cold to his friend was a fact he could be totally fine with, because as much as he tried to move past it and say that it was just a silly, immature thing to worry about, he’d always felt a little concerned. So now, knowing that Ryouta hadn’t acted that way towards him out of true hatred, or anything…

Things felt a bit clearer. 

It seemed being harsh with others was simply his nature, and Kouki remembered hearing from Kensuke about how the teen was just bad at expressing himself, so he supposed it all added up. With a quiet laugh, he finally set down the phone, once again waiting for the hands on the clock to move further, further, until an hour had passed.

The blond made quick work of his breakfast at eight o’clock, and then heard the phone ring at about eight thirty. Kensuke and him happily chatted about everything from the beginning once again, and Kouki was grateful from the bottom of his heart that his friend was so willing to listen to him talk for so long about Mamoru. The time flew by when he was telling Kensuke how excited he was to see his partner again, how he’d barely even slept because he’d been so nervous that his hands had been shaking nonstop, his eyes wide open as he’d felt so much love in his heart.

When it came time for visiting hours to start, Kouki hurriedly thanked his friend for speaking with him, his eyes trained upon the clock as the seconds hand charged ahead.

“Don’t have too much fun, now,” Kensuke teased with a giggle as they said goodbye, and Kouki blushed at the comment, huffing and hanging up the phone. As if waiting for his cue, there was a knock at the door right after he’d finished his conversation. Excitedly, the blond had invited his guest in, and he felt a little embarrassed at the way their eyes met right as Mamoru opened the door; both of them glanced away for a second, but then looked back at each other as if they couldn’t resist.

“Good morning, Kou-kun!” Mamoru greeted with a grin as he slid the door close behind him, stepping carefully into the small room and glancing around. “Morning, Mamoru,” Kouki offered in return, his fingers nervously slotting together and then moving about in his lap as he spoke. “I missed you,” he admitted, despite how silly it felt to say such a thing. They’d just seen each other no more than twelve hours ago, so it wasn’t as if it had been a long time, but… 

“I missed you, too,” Mamoru giggled, approaching the side of the bed and lifting his hand to give Kouki a light pat on the head. “But I’m here, now,” he assured, ducking down so that he could be at eye level with the blond and offering that radiant expression of happiness which never failed to blind the younger boy, make him feel like his insides were turning to mush. 

“You are,” Kouki agreed, and he did his best to return even half of that wonderful smile, laughing as he moved forward to loop his arms around Mamoru’s neck. For a moment, the two just stared at each other, an unspoken conversation glittering in their eyes; they didn’t have to speak to get their love across, just one glance was enough for a thousand words in their case. 

“So, listen,” Mamoru began as their moment came to a close, prompting the blond to move back a bit by grabbing onto one of his wrists and guiding it down. “...I, uh… It’s really cheesy, but… I’ve been working on a song. You know… a song about you,” he flushed a light pink as he admitted the fact, tearing his gaze away from his boyfriend with a shy noise. “I-It’s not done yet, I think it’s going to take another week or so, because… well, w-well because it’s hard to put into words how you make me feel. But I want you to wait for me to finish it, and listen, okay?”

Kouki’s eyes widened, and he felt like the most special person on this entire planet for knowing that his boyfriend -- his talented, wonderful composer of a boyfriend, who wrote the most angelic melodies with the kindest of lyrics -- was writing a whole song dedicated just to him. What could possibly be better than that? Nothing at all. 

“...Mamoru. You don’t even have to ask… of course I’ll wait. I’ll wait, and I’ll wait, as long as it takes, because I love everything about your songs. T-Th… the fact that you’re writing one about me… Ahah, I really could die happily, after that.”

“Don’t say that,” the brunet warned, wincing uncomfortably at his choice of words. “Please, don’t even imply something like that,” he whispered, sliding their fingers together and squeezing the patient’s hand comfortingly. “You’re not gonna die on me. Not now, and not ever, okay? What would I do without the one that I love so dearly, hm?”

The tips of Kouki’s ears burned at those words, and he simply giggled stupidly at them. To hear how much Mamoru loved him, to know that it wasn’t just a fever dream… surely it shouldn’t be possible to feel this complete, to feel like he was waltzing among the stars of the night sky. 

“S-Sorry.” 

Ducking his head apologetically, the blond let out another small laugh. “I promise you, I won’t die. I didn’t mean it to sound like that,” he breathed out, lightly tapping the tips of his fingers against Mamoru’s hand. “I just meant… well, you really know how to make me the happiest boy on Earth, don’t you…?”   
  
“E-Eh…? Uuu, Kou-kun, don’t tease me like that,” trying to hide the giddy expression that threatened to take over his face, Mamoru tilted his head to the side, huffing. Kouki thought to himself that his boyfriend really was just plain  _ adorable _ .

“I’m not teasing you,” he insisted, using his free hand to tilt Mamoru’s face back towards him with a gentle look in his eyes. His fingers dipped upward to brush those messy bangs back, examining the newly exposed skin with a hum. “Mamoru makes me happier than I’ve ever been before,” he whispered, leaning forward and letting his lips brush against the brunet’s bare forehead before pulling back just as quickly. 

Blushing, Mamoru stammered in surprise, splaying his hand over his mouth as he tried to calm down. “N… N-No fair, you’re no fair, Kou-kun…!” He whined, his fingers tracing over the heat spreading across his cheeks, light pinks and reds blossoming over his skin. 

“Hehe, it’s only payback for the kiss you gave me last night,” Kouki laughed, amused at the other’s reaction to a simple forehead kiss; he was so easily embarrassed, and the blond couldn’t help but take advantage of that, sometimes. “After all, you said real kisses are a no-go right now, so I might as well kiss you where I can,” he mumbled the words quietly enough that Mamoru had to strain to hear them.

“Hmph,” the older boy sighed, crossing his arms over his chest. “When the day comes that I decide to kiss you, I’m gonna sweep you off your feet! Just you wait,” he insisted, a small pout forming on his lips. Kouki grinned, raising an eyebrow at the comment; a little more teasing wouldn’t hurt, right?

“Mm, I’m sure,” he began slowly, nodding as if he was wholeheartedly agreeing with the brunet. “...But, what would happen if I decided to kiss you first? Wouldn’t that throw off your plans completely?” 

The question came as a surprise to Mamoru, and those fuschia eyes of his flashed with shock, and then some form of embarrassment as he glanced away shyly, his face remaining a bright red. “W-W…. Well, yeah, but… uuu, stop it, Kou-kun…!” 

“Sorry, sorry,” the hospital patient chuckled, clearly not apologetic at all for the proposition he’d made. However, despite his words, he intended to take things at the pace Mamoru wanted to; if the other didn’t want to kiss, then he would just have to respect that, until whenever they both felt ready. 

And it turned out, the time when that would come was on Mamoru’s birthday, a cool night in October after the two of them had spent all day together. Several months had passed, with many small events that meant the absolute world to both boys, but nothing of significance; they’d seen each other day after day, just like always, never seeming to love each other any less than the day before. 

Just as promised, Mamoru had shown Kouki the song he wrote for him about a week and a half after he’d brought the topic up, and the blond had swooned so happily at those sappy lyrics that made him feel so, so special, that bright melody that wrapped itself around his bones and crushed the marrow inside of them into stardust. 

Things remained peaceful, almost perfect. 

Kouki had tried his best to come up with a short song for the musician’s birthday, and offered it to him that morning; his voice was shy as he sung, and the notes didn’t quite fall as he wanted them to in his head, but Mamoru had still looked as if he couldn’t be happier the entire minute or so that it lasted. He’d praised Kouki over and over, showering him in compliments and tight hugs, thanking him for such a lovely present.

With the help of Kensuke, they’d also been able to share a small cake that the blue-haired teen had acquired from a family-owned bakery a few blocks down. Despite how humiliating it felt, Kouki had insisted on feeding Mamoru the first bite, taking a small sized piece onto the tip of the fork and holding it out to his boyfriend. “Say ‘ah,’” he’d hummed before popping the cake into the other’s mouth, some weird sense of pride filling him at the action.

Basically, his life felt like some cheesy romance novel, with the sort of things he’d done to try to make Mamoru feel even more special today; he didn’t exactly want the older teen to have to reflect badly on spending his eighteenth birthday in a rundown hospital. They’d spent the day much like every other day after that, talking back and forth about whatever came to mind. It was enough to simply enjoy the time they had together, grateful for each other’s presence.

The sun set, and it was around seven pm on that chilly October night; not that either of them could feel the autumn breeze in this isolated room. Kouki shifted on his bed, waiting for his nurse to take away the empty trays sitting on the side of his bed from dinner before he turned to his boyfriend, taking a deep breath.

“...Hey, Mamoru? Can I ask you for… a s-silly favor?” 

  
“Hm? Of course, you can ask me anything, Kou-kun.”

Even with those words of reassurance, the blond still felt a little uncertain about what he was going to ask, fidgeting nervously and pressing his fingers together subconsciously. “U-um… I was thinking, maybe, you know…”

Confused, the brunet leaned in closer, fixing the other with a careful stare as he tried to follow the other’s broken up statements; having Mamoru’s eyes on him, though, only made it even harder to get the words out. “...Ah… that is, I thought… Do you think you could climb up here? There’s not much room for two, really, but… I… thought that I’d really like to, um… If you want to lay with me, for a little bit…”

Mamoru blinked a few times, then he felt a gentle heat dusting his cheeks at the request he’d received in the end. “...A-Ah… Kou-kun, are you feeling lonely?”

“No!” Kouki was quick to refute the suggestion, his eyes flaring as if he was offended by such a proclamation. “That’s not it at all. I could never be lonely when you’re here, by my side. But… I just thought, maybe it would be nice if I could say that, and mean it in a more literal sense…”

Giggling, the brunet nodded, resting the palms on his hands against the flat surface of the mattress. “If this thing breaks, it was your idea, got it?” He warned before pushing all of his weight onto his hands, grunting and groaning with the effort of lifting his body up onto the bed.

For a moment, it was a tangle of limbs as Mamoru tried to find room for himself, but they managed to make it work; squeezing himself between the area next to Kouki and the rail on the back side of the bed, the musician was able to find just enough room to lay down next to his boyfriend. The two laughed at the silliness of their actions, and with the way their bodies pressed together, Kouki could feel the other’s stomach seizing against him as he chuckled. Everything felt so real, suddenly, when he was able to be so close to Mamoru, to be allowed to feel every breath, every heartbeat of the boy snuggled up against him.

“Thank you,” he murmured, sneaking his arms underneath the brunet’s so that he could hug his waist, cuddling affectionately up to the boy he loved so, so much. The world seemed to stop as they laid there, a bundle of warmth atop the shoddy hospital bed.

“Mm, it’s nothing. Being able to be so close with Kou-kun makes me really happy, after all…” Mamoru sighed contentedly, gazing into Kouki’s eyes and blinking a few times. “I can’t wait for the day that I can be so close with you whenever I want, without this ridiculous bed making things complicated. Once you get discharged, we can just relax on a comfy bed together, and sleep till noon without a care in the world! All the windows open, letting in the warmth from the sun that rose so many hours ago, but we’re still snoozing… hehe, doesn’t that sound lovely?”

It did. It really did, but…

“...Is such a thing really possible for me? It’s almost been a whole year, now, you know… I--”

“Shh,” the brunet soothed, a stern look on his face. “Don’t say that. If you just believe in yourself, and believe in getting better, then you’ll be on your feet again in no time. And you know what? Listen, Kou-kun… even if it  _ does  _ take a while. Even if it takes a few years before your sickness is completely gone, or if you have to come back every once in a while for visits… whatever happens, I don’t even care, I’m just trying to list examples… the point is…”

Kouki listened, just as he was instructed, every word of Mamoru’s drawing him in further, wanting to know just what the other intended to say. The lights were dim, making it harder to see the expressions on his face, but he still did his best to read every look, every glance to the best of his ability.

“...I’m not going to go anywhere. Ever. I’m gonna stay right here, by your side, no matter what happens, okay? I love you, so, so much, and… I need you to know how proud I am of you.”   
  
“Proud…?”

The word echoed in his mind, and his mouth fell open, struggling to comprehend what he’d just been told. For years, and years, all the teenager had ever wanted was to have someone tell him that they were proud of him, to be acknowledged for how hard he’d pushed himself ever since that first day of school; no one had ever been around to care, or see just how desperately he was fishing for the affection he’d stopped receiving so long ago, but…

“Y-You’re… proud of me? Mamoru?”

“ _ So _ proud. I feel so honored that my boyfriend is someone as wonderful as you, Kou-kun. That day so long ago, I saw something in you, but you’ve exceeded all of my expectations… to be able to see how happy you are now, how hard you’ve worked to get to this point where you aren’t  _ running away _ anymore, you know?! That takes a whole lot of work! So please, just know, I’m so proud of everything you’ve done. Your efforts haven’t gone unnoticed, and I’ll never stop admiring all the things you do just to live another day.”

The two simply stared at each other as Kouki struggled to think of something to say, any sort of response to those words he’d ached for all this time. His fingertips felt like they were on fire as they rested against Mamoru’s lower back, and he trembled with the effort of holding back the tears that welled up in those dazzling blue eyes of his. 

But, he quickly realized that he didn’t  _ need  _ to say anything, and so he didn’t. Instead, he cried, and Mamoru held him close until he stopped, soothing him with soft hums and coos. “It’s okay,” he would murmur every once in a while, and Kouki believed him. He cried, and he cried, until he eventually fell silent, and the two laid in silence, letting time pass peacefully.

“I love you, so much,” Kouki finally managed to gasp out, his voice strained. “Mamoru, I… I’m so horribly in love with you. Thank you for being in my life, for staying by my side. Th… thank you, for saving me,” he whispered, and he started to lean forward, but…

Stopping, the blond tried to carefully examine Mamoru’s face, looking for some sort of sign that he should stop what he was doing. What he saw was the exact opposite, a light of excitement in those fuschia orbs that stared up at him, inviting him closer. Kouki even swore that he saw the older boy’s chin tilt up a little, a tiny smile on his lips, and that was the final straw for him.

Throwing all caution to the wind, Kouki closed the gap between them, trembling all over as he felt his lips finally connect with Mamoru’s. All the distant machinery beeping in the background melded into nothingness, until all he could hear was the gentle exhale of relief they both gave, leaning closer into each other like this kiss was all they had. 

When Kouki began to move away, Mamoru lurched forward to grab onto his shoulders, simply capturing his lips once again before they had a chance to escape, before the moment could end. Smiling, the blond returned the embrace, gently working his mouth against his boyfriend’s and sighing happily into the kiss. No matter which angle he tried, he discovered it didn’t matter, that just kissing Mamoru was good enough for him, even in the times where it felt like their lips were barely slotting together.

It felt like an eternity before they both pulled back this time, and Kouki could feel his heart racing a million miles per hour in his chest. Mamoru’s breath was hot against his lips, and he hovered just a mere inch away for a while, as if he was debating kissing him again. Which, frankly, the blond would be perfectly content with, if that happened. “I love you,” the brunet whispered, sliding his right hand up into Kouki’s hair and tussling it a little bit.

“I love you too,” the blond breathed, his entire body relaxing as they gazed into each other’s eyes. He’d heard how meaningful your first kiss was supposed to be, and how it should be something to remember forever, but… nothing could have prepared him for the magical feeling pumping itself through his veins, pulsing in his wrists. 

It was their first kiss, but it certainly wouldn’t be their last, and for that Kouki was more than grateful. They shared many as the season passed slowly; the leaves began to fall off the trees, as the patient could see with one lone oak tree outside the tiny window in his room, his tiny glimpse into the outside world. The weather grew colder, and the nights grew longer, but with Mamoru there, none of that mattered. Even when the heating system refused to pump warm air into his room, the brunet would simply climb up into his bed and curl up with him, sharing that radiant warmth of his until he stopped shivering; but even then, he wouldn’t leave. Even once Kouki told him he wasn’t cold anymore, the musician simply hummed and snuggled even closer, sometimes even laying there with him until a nurse would inevitably kick him out upon realizing he was still in the room.

With this, the cold had nothing on the warmth Mamoru made Kouki feel, both figuratively and literally. Things were absolutely perfect, and by now, even Ryouta would sometimes tag along with Kensuke to visit him. The laughs he shared with his friends, the loving embraces and kisses he was given from Mamoru… he held onto them dearly, never letting go even for a second.

During the month of January, things got a little more hectic. His body grew a bit tired from all the constant socializing, and it was hard to keep up with life at times; by the second half of the month, he found himself falling asleep before Mamoru had even left, but the teen was kind enough to simply lay by his side and rest with him until he had to leave. Whenever Kouki tried to ask about it, Mamoru would just smile and say he’d been tired, too, and fallen asleep before he could check the time.

It became normal for him to sleep around eleven or twelve hours a day, and even then, he still felt exhausted by the time he woke up. Nurses began to keep a close watch on him, likely as a result of Mamoru telling them he’d been passing out without warning early in the night; every morning, there was someone asking him how he felt, and his answer was always the same -- tired. He was really, really, tired, as if he hadn’t slept at all, but in reality he knew he’d been out cold for the entire night…

It was easier for him to ignore the signs, though, and try to pretend he didn’t know exactly what this meant for him. He put on a smile and continued to live his life in the moment, not wanting to worry his friends, and especially not Mamoru, who was already so on edge with his increased tiredness.

“If you’re sleepy, please let me know, I won’t be offended or anything, so… I just want you to get as much rest as you need, Kou-kun,” he’d say, and Kouki’s stomach would twist into knots at the concerned expression on his face, those fuschia eyes looking almost pained as his eyebrows furrowed. The sick boy had nodded and promised to do so, but he’d always end up falling asleep unwillingly at some point in the evening, completely unable to catch himself before it happened. This went on for weeks, and no matter how much sleep he got, he continued to feel even more worn out.

Now, February had rolled around, and Valentine’s Day was drawing near. Kouki had never had a reason to care for this holiday, really, since he had never understood the meaning of it… in fact, even now it was a little confusing, because he knew the holiday was centered around girls handing homemade chocolate or candy to the boy they liked. So… what did that mean for him, and for Mamoru? Was he supposed to prepare a present for his boyfriend, or would it look weird if he did?

Those kinds of thoughts filled Kouki’s mind for the whole week until the holiday creeped up on him. He’d ended up with some store bought chocolates that he’d asked Kensuke to pick up for him, not wanting to be empty handed. He fretted over whether or not his boyfriend would enjoy them, examining the small, heart-shaped plastic container in the palms of his hands until that familiar knock was at his door, making his head jolt up.

Grinning, he tucked the box underneath the sheets, then wiggled off the edge of the bed, lowering himself until he felt his feet touch the cold tiles of the floor; normally, he was only supposed to get up when there was a nurse around to help, since there was a high risk of him collapsing, but…

He couldn’t help himself, really, from hurrying to the sliding door to open it himself, wanting to greet Mamoru as soon as possible. The brunet’s eyes widened in shock when he saw Kouki standing directly in front of him, looking brighter than the sun itself with how big his smile was, how dazzling his blue eyes were as they glittered with all the love and happiness in the world.

“Mamoru,” he gasped out with a joyful laugh, before diving forward to hug his boyfriend; making a noise of shock, the taller boy reached forward to accept the embrace, more worried about the blond falling than anything else right now. The hug they shared was warm, full of love, and it was like nothing even mattered; the door was still wide open, and a few nurses were staring in their direction to see what all the commotion was about, but neither of them cared about causing a scene.

“Good to see you, too,” Mamoru laughed, running a hand up and down the other’s back with a soft hum. “...But, is it okay for you to be out of bed right now…? I’m glad you’re happy to see me, but I really don’t want you pushing yourself, alright?” 

With a tiny nod, Kouki buried his face into his visitor’s lower chest, inhaling his comforting scent and letting the rest of the world disappear, fade to nothingness around him. Nothing else mattered, only how safe he felt in Mamoru’s arms, how content he would be staying here forever. He clung to the soft cotton material of his boyfriend’s flannel shirt, a neat purple and black plaid design striping up and across it and showing a plain black v-neck underneath it.

“It’s fine,” he murmured, even though something in him wondered if it really was, with how much the nurses had been fussing over his condition lately. “...Just a little longer, please.”

Unable to protest any further against that soft, pleading tone as the blond snuggled even closer to him, Mamoru simply sighed in defeat. He held the patient close, felt his heartbeat and the way his frame trembled a little against his torso. Humming a gentle tune, he let his hands roam into Kouki’s hair, admiring its softness and stroking blond locks that were growing longer by the day. 

After a few minutes, though, Mamoru grew nervous upon noticing how the sick boy seemed to shiver more violently, and his knees seemed as if they were about to give out. “A-Ah, okay, okay,” he mumbled quietly as he moved back, grabbing onto Kouki’s shoulders, “let’s get you back into bed, okay? You shouldn’t be standing this much.”

“W-Wait! One more thing, okay? I promise I’ll lay down after this,” the blond grinned excitedly, and staggered over to the side of the bed, pulling the box of chocolates out from the sheets and quickly hiding it behind his back. “Hold out your hands,” he instructed impatiently, waiting as the brunet did as he was told. Reaching out, Kouki placed the container of chocolates into his boyfriend’s hands, nervously awaiting a response; he desperately willed his legs to hold his weight up for just a few more minutes, feeling just how badly they were shaking underneath him.

“...K-Kou-kun,” Mamoru murmured in shock, gazing down at the small box in his hands. There was a clear, plastic guard on top that allowed him to see all the intricate chocolates displayed inside, some with a pink icing swirled around the edges, or a similar red design against the browns of the sweets. “This is…”

“Happy Valentine’s Day,” Kouki murmured, shifting so that he was standing on the balls of his feet. “I hope you… l-like it, I wasn’t sure…”

Before he could even finish his sentence, the blond’s knees suddenly buckled, sending him ungracefully to the cold ground with a thud. He could just barely make out the way Mamoru cried out his name, dashing forward to grab at his shoulders. With the way his world began spinning, it was clear that the other was shaking him, trying to get him to respond, but he couldn’t hear anything. Everything was blurry, as if he was watching the whole scene play out from far, far away, and the way Mamoru screamed for help was like cotton in his ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing this chapter hurt so much because it's so fluffy but... well... (gestures to it all slowly going to shit) hahah
> 
> WE'RE ALMOST THERE BOYS


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all i have to say before this is: i'm so fucking sorry

Kouki passed out not long after three nurses had scurried into the room, dragging him away from his boyfriend despite how badly he’d wanted to protest against it, to beg Mamoru to stay with him.  _ Don’t leave me _ , he’d thought, because honestly he hadn’t been sure if he’d ever wake up again. His world was fading to darkness against his will, after all, making his limbs heavier than bricks and his mind fogged to the point where he couldn’t think anymore; surely, that was what it felt like to die, right? He was going to die without being able to say goodbye to anyone, before he’d gotten to say sorry to Mamoru for being unable to keep their promise. All he could manage was thinking how horrible that was before he finally blacked out, waiting for death to take him.

But, in the end, it turned out that was wrong. Kouki did wake up, his chest heaving with shallow, uneven breaths as he emerged from the pitch blackness that had kept him hostage, taken over his body and held him under until he had no air left in his body, sinking, sinking…

His eyes shot open, and a gasp escaped him as he jolted upward, the top of his head colliding directly with something hard above him. “Ouch!” He hissed, raising his hands to rub at the area which now throbbed with a sharp pain. But that wasn’t his only problem; he heard another voice muttering a similar cry of shock, causing him to blink a few times in confusion.

“Y-You’re awake…” 

A familiar voice laughed beside him, and it took the blond a few moments to finally become aware of his surroundings, reality sinking its teeth into his neck. Mamoru was standing right next to the bed, with his hand splayed across his forehead, showing that the surface he’d just collided full force with...

“Ah…. ah! Mamoru!” Kou-kun cried out, trying to move forward to hug his boyfriend, but he felt his entire body freeze up, then ache like he’d never felt before. He coughed, hard, clutching onto his chest at the sudden seizing of his muscles, the pain that hooked onto him out of nowhere. It was like his skin was fiery hot, and then freezing cold, shifting so randomly that he couldn’t keep up, desperately trying to gulp down air.

When he’d pulled himself out of the choking fit enough to look at the other teen, he regretted making the decision to do so immediately. Those fuschia eyes of his looked sad, almost distant, filled with more pain than Kouki could possibly be experiencing right now… all because of him, because he’d fallen sick again.

“I’m… hrk, I’m f-fine,” he sputtered out desperately, biting his lip. “I’m fine, Mamoru,” he tried again, and his voice sounded so scared, so small, that it couldn’t have been his own. The words were almost worthless with that pathetic way he spat them out, clearly _ not  _ fine at all, but…

The words were enough to 

“You are,” Mamoru breathed out, leaning forward to give the patient the warm embrace he’d been seeking. Before either of them knew it, the brunet was crying, hot tears dripping off his chin and onto the shaking shoulders he held beneath him. “You’re… hh, you’re okay… I’m so happy, Kou-kun.” Sobs shuddered through the taller boy’s body as he clung to the blond a little tighter than he probably should be holding someone who was so drastically sick, but he couldn’t help himself.

“I’m so relieved... K-Kou...Kou-kun, you’ve been unconscious for days, I… I was so scared, I… Thank God.” His voice was strained, like he was forcing the words out, but also holding so much back at the same time. Kouki felt a twinge of guilt at how much trouble he must’ve caused, especially when he finally noticed that the two of them weren’t alone in the room; Kensuke was seated at the far end of the room, watching with careful eyes at the events that transpired. 

“You guys,” the teenager murmured, unable to stop his own tears from coming, flowing down his cheeks. For a long time, the three of them all bawled out their frustrations -- their fears, their sadness, their anger… everything. 

When the atmosphere had calmed down a bit, Kouki properly apologized for what had happened, hanging his head. The last thing he’d wanted to do was worry them this badly, to fall into this sorry state again; Kensuke had experienced something similar before, when he’d collapsed in his room, so he wasn’t nearly as fazed by the situation, but… Mamoru seemed totally traumatized, the tips of his fingers visibly trembling.

“...No, it’s my fault,” he’d confessed without hesitation, shaking his head firmly. “I knew you shouldn’t have been out of bed, but… you seemed so happy, I couldn’t bring myself to tell you to lay down… If I’d just said something, you wouldn’t have collapsed, I… I… I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t woken up, Kou-kun,” he whispered, his eyes glowing with that overwhelming sadness again as he allowed himself to think about the fears that had been gnawing at him all these days as he sat there waiting, praying for his boyfriend to open his eyes again.

“But I did,” the blond reminded him, putting on his best smile. “I’m here, now, Mamoru. It’s okay.” He leaned in close, pressing his nose into the crook of the brunet’s neck as he sighed. “Everything is okay now,” he repeated, as if saying it enough times would make sure it was a fact, and not just wishful hoping. Somewhere inside him, though, he knew better than that; he knew how bad his situation was, and wasn’t exactly sure if this was a situation where plain positivity could fix everything.

But Kouki pushed himself to try, because it pained him so much to see his boyfriend like this, worrying so much over his condition. He did his best to assure the other that this was just a little rough patch, and he’d be alright soon if he just got some rest, because he wanted that to be true more than anything. 

“...You’re right,” Mamoru agreed, forcing a small smile through his tears of concern, giving a small sigh. “We’re going to get through this -- together.”

With that, the brunet pulled Kouki away from the hiding spot he’d discovered in his neck, tilting his chin up to offer a chaste kiss. Kensuke whistled in response from the chair he’d nestled into, which made the both of them blush in embarrassment, scrambling away from each other upon remembering the third party’s presence.

“Oh, no, don’t mind me! I’m loving the show. Sucks that there’s no popcorn though,” the blue-haired teen joked, laughing as he teased the couple. Crossing one leg over the other, he waved a hand in the air before he rose to his feet, brushing off the front of his pants and then stretching as his inhale transformed into a rather loud yawn. “I’ll give you two some alone time, cuz I need to get to bed. I’d tell you to get some sleep, too, Kou-kun, but … I guess you did just sleep for like, three days or something, so maybe you’re all caught up, haha.”

Rolling his eyes, Kouki offered a small giggle in response to his friend’s comment. When he glanced curiously up at the clock, still hanging triumphantly on the dull wall of the hospital room, his eyes widened at what he saw -- it was a quarter past three in the morning. He hadn’t realized it was so late at night, and a pang of guilt hit him when he realized these two had probably been waiting up to see if he’d wake up.

“...Get some rest, Ken. Thank you for coming,” he murmured, a gentle smile on his face as he added another small apology for everything. The blue-haired teen had insisted it was fine before strolling out the door, leaving him alone with Mamoru.

“You should go, too, right?” The blond asked solemnly. As much as he didn’t want to say goodbye so soon, and as scared as he still was over the fact that he’d passed out for several days… he didn’t want to inconvenience his boyfriend by keeping him up any longer.

“...Hey, are you trying to get rid of me?” Dejected, the brunet pouted, his invisible tail drooping sadly. “I’m not going anywhere. Honestly, I’ve been here so much that I think the nurse has me mistaken as your brother or something, s-so… she hasn’t said anything about me needing to leave tonight. Meaning…”

“Meaning…?”

Kouki sort of got the idea of what the other was trying to say, but… it already made his heart flutter excitedly to think that Mamoru intended to stay there with him, to the point where he wanted to be a little selfish and hear the words from the boy himself.

“...Meaning, I’m going to spend the night with you. I’ll be by your side until morning comes. I-I… If that’s okay, of c-course! I didn’t really think about the fact that that’s probably a little… um… y-you know what I’m trying to say, okay?!”

Giggling, the blond gave a nod, tucking one of the longer strands that jutted out in front of his ear behind the nape of his neck. “How cute of you to get so embarrassed over that… I really love you so much, Mamoru,” he whispered, leaning forward to plant another kiss onto his boyfriend’s lips. “I love you, and I’d be so happy if you’d stay here with me tonight.”

And with that, the brunet scooted up his chair as close to the bed as he could manage, draping his arms over the mattress and curling up against the corner where Kouki’s head rested on that beaten up white pillow of his. As much as Mamoru wanted to crawl up onto the bed like he’d done so many nights before, he knew he’d probably get in huge trouble for it now, when the patient was on such close watch. 

So they made do with what they could. 

Kouki grabbed onto Mamoru’s hand as he closed his eyes, and the two of them sleepily chatted back and forth until the musician had fallen silent; the steady rise and fall of his shoulders when he breathed made Kouki decide he’d fallen asleep.

He’d never seen the other boy sleeping before… his face was peaceful as he rested away, his cheek pressing against the cool material of the sheets and his hand limply remaining in Kouki’s palm. For a few hours, the blond simply watched the other sleep, but he eventually managed to fall into a light slumber himself, thinking to himself one more time that everything was going to turn out alright.

The next morning, countermeasures were put into place to keep the teen safe. His nurse ordered him to remain in bed at all times, not even allowed to get up to use the restroom, and his visiting hours were cut down considerably so that he wouldn’t be pushing himself too hard with social interactions. It was painful, not being able to see those he cared about as often as he wanted to, but… he kept telling himself that it was for the better, so that he could pull through and get himself discharged one day.

Whenever he saw Mamoru, he tried to pour that belief into the short time they had together, embracing his boyfriend and whispering that he was trying his best. Promising to get better soon, so that he could get out of this hospital and live a better life with the other. And for a while, he truly believed in it with all his heart, felt that maybe, if he just did his best, the two of them could live together peacefully and move on from this mess.

That faith, though, began to fall apart quicker than he could have ever realized; the less he was able to see Mamoru, the less he was able to voice those thoughts to the person he trusted the most, the more he started to wonder if any of this was even worth it. He grew miserable, and even the time the two of them shared together wasn’t enough to lift his spirits back to the clouds, where they’d been weeks ago. 

At some point, he grew tired of motivating himself, so he simply stopped; it had taken him nearly a year to find true happiness, to be able to move towards a better future, but it had only taken mere weeks for that same peace to fall apart. Really, it was because he’d known from the start that he was always destined to be alone, that he was never going to get better, right? Why hadn’t he just listened to his gut and given up before any of this started? Why had he let himself fall under… under these  _ delusions  _ that his boyfriend had cast upon him? It would have hurt so much less to have never gotten his hopes up, to have believed in this ridiculous concept of “happiness.”

Yes, because that’s all that happiness was; a figment of his desires, something that had always been just out of reach for him, taunting him from afar. Someone like him wasn’t allowed to be happy. This was simple knowledge which he should have never forgotten, but he’d been weak -- so weak, he’d completely moved on from the fact and started a whole new life, not realizing it was still waiting for him in the shadows of his falsified happiness. Kouki slowly let it consume him again, that feeling that it was easier to just sit back and take it. It was painful, the way that Mamoru continued to stay by his side through it all, just as supportive as ever; even when the blond stopped offering that same enthusiasm right back, stopped reciprocating those sappy displays of affection that didn’t even matter anymore -- he was always there, rooting for him.

Before he knew it, a whole year had passed since the very day the two of them met, that day that changed Kouki’s life forever. Now, though, the young teen found himself wishing he’d never broken out of that hospital, never allowed himself that small taste of freedom that ultimately tore his life apart into shreds. Everything was so painful, now, that he just wanted it all to disappear.

On the last day of March, Mamoru sat down at the edge of the bed and sighed, tiredly. There was no cheerful greeting, no attempt at greeting the patient who was splayed out upon his bed with a dazed look on his face.

“...Kou-kun… I want to say I’m sorry.”

“...What for?” Staring up at the ceiling like there was something on it no one else could see, Kouki distractedly asked the question. There was no emotion to his voice, a monotone statement that made his boyfriend cringe at how distant he’d become. 

“...That… Well, I said I’d take you to see the cherry blossoms, remember? After they’d bloomed. So, I’m really sorry that I can’t do that this year; obviously, you’re too sick right now to even leave your bed. But… listen, it’s going to be okay! We’re gonna go next year, for sure. So… so please…”

Even though he’d tried so hard to close himself off emotionally, Kouki found he was still so weak to seeing the other suffer. So, when Mamoru’s voice dipped so desperately, so brokenly, like he was about to lose everything if those pleas didn’t reach him… the patient couldn’t take it. He plastered a smile onto his face, nodding slowly and trying to force out a response he knew wasn’t true; it was funny, in a bittersweet way, how their relationship had gradually turned into Kouki comforting Mamoru with blatant lies, instead of the blond letting himself be comforted. 

“It’s okay. Next year, for sure!”

Of course, there was no next year to be had -- Kouki knew that already. He knew it before anyone else, and certainly before his nurse came into his room during a lonely April night and told him that his situation was pretty much guaranteed to be irreversible. She’d offered her sincerest apologies, and told him that they’d tried everything they could, but his vitals kept getting worse, and his body was only getting weaker.

They’d tried physical therapy to see if he could get steady on his feet again, but he couldn’t even keep himself standing for more than a few seconds at a time before slumping onto the ground and sobbing in frustration at his helplessness. How pathetic he was for being unable to recover, no matter how many times he’d tried to assure his boyfriend that he’d get better for the both of their sakes. What kind of joke was it that he’d have to turn around and take it all back, to tell Mamoru that he probably didn’t even have a month left to live?

The brunet had continued telling Kouki how proud of him he was, even after he’d started becoming so emotionally distant that he couldn’t even form the words to express his love for Mamoru anymore -- did he even love him anymore? He couldn’t tell, because all he felt was a blackness in the core of his heart, swallowing up that happiness he used to feel fluttering around inside of him. 

There was nothing to be proud of. 

It haunted him, the way his boyfriend would assure him that things would be alright no matter how bad they got, the way he’d still leave the gentlest of kisses on his skin and whisper sweet nothings despite the fact that there wouldn’t be any response anymore. It wasn’t fair, really, and Kouki knew that he certainly didn’t deserve this one-sided affection anymore. Not when he was just going to die, leaving Mamoru all alone… what was supposed to happen then? He didn’t even want to think about it. 

And so, he’d come to a decision. Naturally, it made sense that he didn’t want the musician to waste anymore energy comforting him, because, well… he was a lost cause. All of the time Mamoru was spending by his bedside, singing songs that Kouki didn’t recognize anymore because he was too tired to think of anything… it was a complete waste.

Things couldn’t go on like this. He finally came to terms with this fact about a week after he’d found out he was going to die, and took a deep breath as his boyfriend walked in that morning; he’d stopped knocking, because the blond never had the energy to welcome him these days.

“...Mamoru,” he whispered hoarsely.

“Hm? What is it, Kou-kun...?” 

The softness to the blond’s voice made Mamoru feel uneasy, even more so than usual; it was as if the young teen would fade away at the slightest touch. 

Without answering at first, Kouki leaned over on the hospital bed, till his nose was hovering inches away from Mamoru’s, causing the tall boy’s heart to stop in his chest. Before he had the chance to question it, the younger boy had captured his lips in a kiss; Mamoru could feel the way his entire body trembled violently against his side during the one, two, three seconds before he pulled away.

“...I think you should stop coming here to see me.” 

His words spoke the opposite of what his actions implied, still holding onto one of Mamoru’s hands with a deathly tight grip like he was scared of letting go. The older teen thought it looked like there were tears in those pretty blue eyes of his, and that made his chest ache. 

“...I don’t think that’s something you should say to someone after... k-kissing them, is it?”

Mamoru laughed nervously, but Kouki simply frowned at his attempt to relieve the tension in the air, so he immediately fell silent with a tiny apology.

“I’m not kidding... I don’t...”

Taking a deep breath, the blond looked away, cursing internally when his eyes glossed over despite how hard he tried to stay calm; why now, after all these weeks of being so numb, were his emotions toying with him? 

“I don’t want to see you anymore. This isn’t going to work out.”

“...”

The both of them remained silent for what felt like an eternity, as tears splashed onto the hem of Kouki’s hospital gown; he turned as far away from Mamoru as he could manage in his bed, not wanting to be seen like this. If he was found out, if the other realized how torn he was about this, then… surely he’d try to change his mind, and Kouki wasn’t sure that he could handle that sort of thing.

“Do you really... mean that? Kouki?” 

Wincing at the pain in Mamoru’s voice along with the use of his full name, rather than that silly nickname of his, the blond grit his teeth. This was it; all or nothing, now. 

“...Yeah. Please don’t come to visit me again.”

If Kouki were the heroine of a shoujo manga, or the lead of a romance play, this would be where Mamoru would grab his shoulders and kiss him again, whispering how much he loved him and begging him to reconsider. But this was reality, not some cheesy love story. He’d realized that now; it had been silly to think any differently, to believe with all his heart that if he just offered his whole self to Mamoru, that everything would work out somehow… 

_ How stupid. _

“...I get it. It’s okay.” Rising to his feet, Mamoru dusted off the back of his pants, then offered one final glance over his shoulder at the slumped over patient on the hospital bed. “I just... hope I was able to bring some light to you, in this room. I hope that maybe someday, in the future, you’ll look back on all the time we spent together and smile. Because… Kouki, I really, really loved you, you know? I’d hoped that maybe we could be together forever, but… I understand, and I’m sorry.”

“...Mm.” Kouki doesn’t offer a concrete response, not trusting his voice to hold up. He wants nothing more than to assure the brunet that he was the  _ only  _ thing worth living for, the only thing that made him excited to wake up every day. Wanted to sob out how much he loved the musician, and how scared he was -- but those thoughts remained swimming in his head, never to be spoken. Mamoru would never realize that he was everything to Kouki, even now, and that made his heart ache so much that he wanted to cry out and stop him from leaving.

Maybe if he was a little stronger, he could have reached out and grabbed the musician’s hand once more, and asked him to stay.  _ Mamoru, I don’t want you to leave. Please, don’t go, please don’t leave me,  _ thoughts of panic began to swarm his mind, making him tremble even more than before. 

“I don’t want to die,” Kouki gasps out loud, and he doesn’t realize he’s spoken the words until Mamoru looks at him with bewildered eyes; he tries to neutralize his expression as quickly as possible, but in that split second, it was obvious how badly that comment had thrown him out of line. He offers a small smile, possibly more to himself rather than to Kouki, but it still filled his heart with that feeling he’d thought he’d lost months ago, managed to give him an overwhelming sense of comfort, even after everything that had happened until now.

“You’re strong, Kouki. You’re not going to die. So, please,” Mamoru assured, adjusting the collar of his shirt as if it were hot in the room; Kouki only felt cold drops of sweat prickling at the back of his neck, making him shiver. “Don’t worry so much. I believe in you.”

_ Say something, anything, _ the blond urged himself, but he didn’t trust himself to speak. If he spoke now, surely, he’d spill out all these thoughts racing through his head on repeat, begging him to turn this situation around before it was too late. The fear pounding in his heart was unbearable, making him want to scream, to beg Mamoru to stay by his side because he didn’t want to be alone when he died.

“...Bye, then,” the visitor sighed when he didn’t receive any response, approaching the exit with an air of solemnity that really didn’t fit him.

“Goodbye, Mamoru… and thank you.” 

With one last glance, Mamoru slid the hospital door open, stepped out, and then guided it closed with the expertise of someone who’d spent every day entering the room for months. Kouki could remember how much he’d fumbled with getting in and out when he’d first started visiting him, getting so flustered over a simple door -- he’d thought it was so cute, how he’d stumbled into the room with a beet-red face, apologizing for the fuss.

Once he was alone, Kouki finally let himself cry, curling in on himself and grabbing on tight to his knees. Sometimes, it really hurt to do the right thing, he realized. Right now, he was sure that he’d never experienced this much pain before, even through all of his years of being physically ill, and even after the nights he’d spent getting beat by his father till he blacked out; none of that even compared to the searing flames of emotion coiling around him and squeezing tight.

But, he couldn’t hurt the one that he’d grown to love so much. He’d rather suffer this unbearable pain now, then die knowing Mamoru was going to be traumatized because of him, because he’d stolen so much of his precious time only to pass away in the end, breaking the promise they’d made together. It was better if things ended like this, instead… the other would be able to move on if he simply broke up with him, so… this was the right decision. He was sure of it.

Admittedly, he knew he should have ended this long ago, if he truly was to be the selfless person he had always aimed to be, but he’d let himself have too much hope, roped the other along in his life for much too long. Mamoru’s bright smiles and kind words always made him believe that he’d get better, and his sickness would fade over time; even just earlier, when Mamoru had tried to reassure him that he would live, it still made him feel some glimmer of hope, deep within his aching heart. 

But the reality was that he was always going to die, right from the start. 

Kouki spent the next few days gradually trying to come to terms with this fact, laughing at himself for having been so foolish as to think that things would change. To think that he could live to grow stronger, maybe even be free from this hospital room, and  _ maybe _ , just maybe, have a future with Mamoru, who he admired so much that he wanted to spend every waking moment with him. He’d never stopped smiling when with the brunet, listening to his music and learning various songs from him; there were no dull moments to be had, at least not until he’d ruined it all with the palms of his own hands. Any hopes he'd had of spending the last of his days properly apologizing to the one he loved and explaining himself were crushed under his fingertips, smashed into dust.

Naturally, time seemed to stretch for an eternity with Mamoru gone.  The days felt like years to Kouki, especially when he couldn’t even sleep because he was so terrified, and he had no one to cry to anymore, no one to plead for help to and whisper his fears aloud to. All he could do was wonder when his time was going to come -- or even worse, he sometimes found himself wondering when Mamoru would come back to save him.

“Of course he’s not coming back…” Kouki laughed to himself -- but it was a weak sound, void of any emotion. His eyelids felt so, so heavy, maybe because he hadn’t gotten any rest in three days… Maybe he could finally just close his eyes and stop thinking for a while, be free from these thoughts haunting him day and night…

As he tried to get comfortable, he realized that his body wouldn’t move, but the thought didn’t faze him. Instead, it was almost relieving, in the oddest of ways; he felt a strong sense of calmness washing over him when his eyes finally slid shut, exhaling a long breath out from his nostrils as if it’d been trapped within his lungs for an eternity.

The static beeping noise from the monitor watching his heart rate fell to a single monotone note, reverberating through the hospital room to signify his slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and.... yeah. 
> 
> there you have it. special apology to kouki for putting him through this hell....
> 
> to anyone who's read through this entire fic, thank you so much. i've been working super hard to get this whole thing written, and what started out as maybe being 6 chapters at the maximum quickly grew larger and larger... i couldn't help myself, i got really into writing this and adding more and more;;; so i really hope it was enjoyable. 
> 
> any comments or kudos mean the absolute world to me! and i hope to see you guys again in another fic soon www

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading :> i will be posting chapters daily @ 2pm CST as best as I can!


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